Does anyone else have a kink they are afraid to share with their significant other for whatever reason?

[Anonymous]

I do, and I feel like I’m essentially hiding a huge part of my identity from her, and I hate it. I don’t know what her reaction would be though if I told her. We have been together for like 6 years now and we tell each other everything. Our communication is phenomenal in every aspect aside from this exact one, and really the only lack of communication is probably from my side.

I believe that communication is literally the biggest aspect of maintaining any relationship a human being has and my fear is that if I don’t tell her these things that the communication will suffer in other areas because of the lack of honesty in this one which will eventually lead to a breakup.

My other fear is that if I do tell her about it, and I’m honest about how important it is to me to feel fulfilled sexually, she will not be okay with any of it and either she will try it begrudgingly and then hate me for it, or she will outright refuse to entertain the idea at all, then I’ll be humiliated and withdraw emotionally unintentionally which will lead to issues.

So what would you all recommend for me to do in this situation?

Do I stay quiet and potentially go on unfulfilled forever and hope I do not grow to resent it?

Or do I tell her and risk the issues that could arise from that?

For context, here are the kinks I have that I want to tell her, and obviously I would never throw this all on her at one time. I know how to be tactful.

Cuckolding, chastity, female led relationship/femdom, bondage, tease/denial, and there are more I am sure but that’s enough for now.

Also, please do me a favor and don’t kink shame me. Frankly, it’s not going to have the effect you’re wanting it to have. I won’t feel ashamed or embarrassed, it’s just annoying. If it doesn’t hurt you, why would you give a fuck? You don’t have to like it, and I’ll never attempt to incorporate you into it if you don’t. Promise!

Thanks!

[Markm3212]

the first issue is that you are ashamed/embarrassed of them (just what i have interpreted from your writing). if you didn't care and were more comfortable with them then you would most probably have already had the conversation with your SO.

i understand and appreciate your situation and have been through a little of this with my own kinks. i have some very specific likes and wants and most ladies are turned off or unsure about them, so i know your pain. it took me a long time to open up and talk about them esp with partners. i found talking to people on line in forums and such to be invigorating and uplifting, it helps you understand that you are not alone and that there is a large community of people out there that like what you like. with that i gained confidence to talk about it to my partners. now fortunately for me, my kinks are clothing based and i was able to introduce things slowly and in a controlled manner. so i would suggest that you do the same. maybe have a conversation with your SO and ask that she takes the lead/instigate the next time you guys have sex or get intermit. but switch it around so the time after that you are the instigator, and slowly start introducing other things with time. a lot of ladies like to be restrained, maybe get a set of handcuffs and use them on her, afterwards, let her know that maybe next time she could use them on you and you would like to experience the feeling of being the one who is restrained. and keep going like that.

however all being said, i believe that you may encounter one issue. you are generally asking for her to be the dominant and you the submissive. this is normally a personality thing and people generally display this and from the sounds of it, your SO is not a dominant personality, other wise we would not have seen this question. now that being said so ladies do take to the role and would have never done it without being prompted to do it in the first place, so you need to take that chance and see where it leads.

if it is something that you need to be for filled in life, then i hate to say it, but you need to be prepared to maybe look for someone else. i know that i wanted a lady that would be up for what i wanted and as a result i ended a few relationships so that i could find someone that would for fill my fantasies. you dont want to wake up in 10-20 years time and say, i wasted my opportunities and be tied with marriage, mortgage, kids etc and wishing you had made the move, by then its too late and life has passed you buy. some of these decisions will be massive and hard to do. but anything in life thats worth while is never easy. i look back and am glad i made the decisions i did as if i didn't who knows where i would be. i found the lady that excepted me for me and allowed me to flourish into the person i am today

[RobT312]

Great post man. The answer for me is yes, I once hid a kink from my girlfriend and was unhappy. I fantasized about bdsm, really wanted to try a bunch of kinky stuff, even went to a store and bought leather, restraints, etc. I finally decided to tell her and she called me a freak. It revealed she was not the right girlfriend for me. Ihave since moved on and found a girl who embraces my kinks and I do the same for her.

so…my advice is tell her, go for it, enjoy your kinks. Most people have them! You may even find out about some of hers!

[481632]

My kinks aren't strong enough to make it a deal breaker if I can't enjoy them. I know others in your situation and I have sympathy for you. You already realize that resentment is a very real possibility. It will destroy your relationship and you are aware of this. If you tell her she might leave you. She might also be understanding. Only you know her well enough to hypothesize how she could react. Secrets are never good and always come to light. What are your roles in the relationship? Are you the dominant one? Is she? Is it an equal partnership? She may have a harder time wrapping her head around it if you're generally the more dominant partner. If she is then she may actually enjoy exploring your kinks with you. What is your sex life like? Is it same stuff every time? Is she happy with the way it is? Is she straight laced or is she adventurous? Is she comfortable using toys? Does she ever get freaky in the sheets? Or on the washer? In the car maybe? Is there any possibility that you need these kinks so badly you may eventually end up going behind her back? Pro dommes make the big bucks for a reason. Ultimately it's your decision and anyone who says indefinitely that you should or shouldn't may not understand the importance of your kinks, what they mean to you, their value in your life or the release and freedom that they give. You value honesty and communication. If you don't tell her you aren't communicating your needs. If you don't tell her you aren't being honest with her or yourself. If she isn't a total prude it might wig her out but with time she may accept it. Not necessarily like it but accept it. There are a lot of kinks that I'm not into. I am fully aware that kink doesn't necessarily mean sex. I, personally, would be okay with my partner having someone to "play/do a scene" with. I would only be as involved as I'm comfortable with. Flogging? Sure I can do that. CBT? Not my thing but let's find someone we're both comfortable with to help you out. I hope this helped some. Good luck with whatever you decide 🙂

[petitedollbabee]

I do. It’s a kink that I was shamed for in my longest relationship when I was a teen. They made me feel embarrassed and ashamed, so I promised myself I wouldn’t share that kink with another partner. However my current partner is very supportive of all my other kinks. He engages in them with me and hasn’t shamed me for anything, so maybe one day I’ll feel comfortable enough to share this specific kink with him. But until then, the fear of rejection and being shamed holds me back thanks to that one ex that made me feel horrible about it.

[Titlover01]

What is it?

[Chubbychick]

For years, my husband was embarrassed to admit he was into small penis humiliation. He finally admitted it about a year ago

[nolabels]

Yep.

I have many kinks. I've relayed that to my wife in the distant past and found it to be necessary to do so yet again in the past year. My level of kinky thoughts and behaviors has greatly increased over the years. She doesn't want to hear about them. Period.

It's been close to 25 years since we've had sex together. She states that she has no interest at all in sex, and I likewise have no interest in having sex with her. We get along platonically to an extent.

I enjoy my own solo sex life, indulging my kinks as much as possible in a solo setting. I would like to join with others sexually, but I don't find that desire to be overwhelming.

If it were to become overwhelming, I'd tell my wife, then go looking for a sex partner.

[dustybiker]

Nope. I enjoy shocking him.

[Jude_Wills]

How?

[Derrimar]

Sometime a kink it's just a phantasy that doesn't need to be put in practice. Would you feel comfortable to share it, even if you will never put it in practice? Would you be comfortable if she accepts to speak about it but doesn't agree to action? Maybe you need to work on what a sexual phantasy is. It could stay a phantasy, but be exiting anyway. I have a lot of phantasies about orgies, but I doubt I'll be comfortable acting them out. So I enjoy only the phantasy...

[In_Trance]

nope

[Charliefretz329]

It’s not healthy to live repressed. Be yourself. Mine is hard to share but I do.

[Anonymous]

Clowns turn me on. I think it's just a thing I've always had since Christina Aguilera. I don't think any woman will get that if I ask her to dress as one.