Does this technically count as rape, or not?

You ended up having unwanted sex with a guy, because after dinner, saying he’d drive you home, he instead drove you to a far away, unsafe suburb and took you to his room? You felt you had no choice, because you definitely couldn’t afford a taxi home and the only way you’d be taken home was if you allowed sex. This happened to me and I’m confused about what this would be regarded as.

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Superb Opinion

  • in my opinion, the second it was clear that he wasn't driving you home, you could have demanded that he do so, or that he pull over and let you out. Had you called the police, they would have gotten you a ride home, whether they drove you or found a free taxi ride for you (at least, this is true in the US, and likely in most western countries). Also, do you not have any friends who would have helped you? I've probably responded to a call like this a half-dozen times in my life, and went and picked up a girl to get her away from a guy she wasn't comfortable with.

    Also, did you really leave the house with no way of getting back home in an emergency? That doesn't seem to be very smart. You are ALWAYS responsible for your own safety, which means if you don't have a backup plan - and means to execute it - then you have no business going out, for EXACTLY the reason you ended up in.

    It's not clear from your story whether you told this guy "no" or "take me home" or "I don't consent to sex" or anything of the sort, but if you didn't, and you just went along with it, then even though I think the guy was a creep, it would not rise to the level of rape. Not having a ride home wouldn't reach the threshold of coercion in most places - there are too many alternatives.

    I'm sorry this happened to you, and I understand why you made the choices you made once you found yourself back at his house - but you allowed things to get out of hand and didn't stand up for yourself earlier, when it would have mattered, and you waited until you had no good options left. You failed to look out for your own safety, and you had that taken advantage of by an asshole.

    Please understand that I don't say any of this to make you feel bad - I say it hoping that you will LEARN and that you will take your own safety SERIOUSLY in the future, because no one, especially me, wants you to be hurt or forced to do something you don't want to do. But the only person who can really protect you is YOU, and that means making smart choices, and that might even mean turning down what would otherwise be a fun date if you don't have the means to rescue yourself from that date (in the form of a taxi/Uber) should it go badly.

    If you want to talk about date safety, either in general or in terms more specific to this event, I'm happy to to do, publicly or privately in DM. Your safety is always the most important thing - but if you don't do the things you need to do, then nothing anyone else does will matter when it counts, and bad things can happen. None of us wants that.

Most Helpful Guy

  • "You felt you had no choice, because you definitely couldn’t afford a taxi home and the only way you’d be taken home was if you allowed sex"

    - You had to allow sex? Did you say no when he started making moves on you? Did he try to force himself on you even though you said no? If so then yes, that's rape. If not, that's just you being passive to think you should have to have sex with some guy.

    • Both in that case would be rape: one being he was aware you didn't want it, and the other still being a rape, but he didn't know you didn't want it so it ain't really his fault.

    • @Valkyria Not knowing someone doesn't want sex, but they have sex with you anyway, is not rape.

Most Helpful Girls

  • Somewhat depends. I mean if you told him to drive you home and he instead drove you to his home, yes. If you didn't object to him driving not to your house, then I think that moves to the next set of questions=. Did you say no at any point? Did you suggest you didn't want to have sex with him? Did you give any indication you didn't wanna do it? Or did you just assume he wouldn't let you say no? Because if you assumed, then that's really unfair to him, he's not a mind reader. If not then yea it's probably rape.

  • It very well could depending on the law where you live. In many places, sexual coercion is covered in sexual assault statutes. Meaning, if you were intimidated in some way or threatened with a negative outcome if you did not comply, it would classify as rape. In those cases, it doesn’t even matter if you verbally said yes. Go talk to the district attorney in your area to see where you stand.

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • The police would have driven you home had you filed a complaint about this loser.

  • Not only is that rape, that is also kidnaping.

  • No, you chose to allow it... Walk home...

  • He put you in a situation where you couldn't safely say no. It doesn't matter whether the threats used to do that were explicit or implied, it was still forcing you. That's rape.

  • If at any point you said no, then its clearly rape.

    If there was no safe way for you to get home and he refused to take you home unless you had sex, then it likely counts as rape.

    If he took you somewhere while you were asking to stop, then its kidnapping.

    If you had some safe way to get home (calling a friend or something), then its probably not rape.

    But there is some grey area here. Regardless, its an extremely shitty thing he did, maybe also rape.

  • If you didn't say NO then this constitutes having consensual sex.

  • That’s definitely rape

  • Press charges.

    sounds like kidnapping and coercion

  • That's a slippery one. He didn't force you to have sex, you could have said No, but like you said, you would then have to find a way home. If it ever went to trial, rape woudl be hard to get a conviction; better would be kidnapping.

  • Yeap

  • It's not rape as you consented. I can understand you felt compelled to have sex in the circumstances and it had an element of duress about it - perhaps intentional, perhaps not.

    When did you realize he was driving you back to his place rather than your place? Did you try to redirect him?

  • I'm not sure you'll get a conviction on it. It's a shitty thing to do to someone though.

  • You let it happen in this case. You were okay with it. Not Rape.

  • Ehm... You made a choice. It's rape In a way, maybe. But you did not even try to say no? Did he force you? Threaten you? If he did not do any of that, then it sort of feels like your to blame. You could have said no.

  • I don't think so If you agreed to sex it's not rape but there might be some sexual assault by forced coercion or something. Next time you tell a creep like that your calling the police

  • Depends upon where you live. In California that could be rape. Here is how:

    Did he tell you that he would not take you home unless you had sex with him? I ask because legally duress is coercion, and coercion is not consent.

  • Morally that sounds wrong, but I don't know if the law would consider that rape. I personally would consider that rape tho.

  • There's a lot of missing information from this story. It sounds like you consented. Regret isn't rape.

  • Under UK law, yes, IF he demanded sex in return for a lift home, if you only assume this, then no,

  • #thingsThatNeverHappenned.

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