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Drunk, Drugged, or Naked: Rape is Never the Victims Fault

"Were you drinking?"

"What were you wearing?"

"You weren't taking anything were you?"

---

---

Almost two years ago now, I was molested by my stepfather.

I was not drunk.

I was not drugged.

I was wearing my pyjamas and was in bed.

No, I never said no. I was afraid of waking mum up, who was in the next room. I thought she would hate me if she saw what was going on.

I had turned seventeen only a couple months prior.

Before it happened I liked the guy. I trusted him.

How fucking dare I think I was safe with the man who was set to marry my mum.

And yes, I can talk to him again, and laugh with him again and tell a joke with him again. But that doesn't mean it never happened, or that I'm okay with it, or that I liked it. It simply means I learned how to cope.

And it doesn't mean I'll ever trust him again.

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Drunk, Drugged, or Naked. Rape is Never the Victims Fault.

--

There was a six year old girl on the news yesterday.

She wasn't shown, but her story was told.

Six years in age, and raped on two separate occasions by two twelve year old boys, in the girls toilet block at her school.

She was not drunk.

She was not drugged.

And she was wearing her school uniform.

But of course, you wouldn't ask a SIX year old those questions, would you?

I'd fucking hope not.

---

My little brother was forced to pull his pants down in front of the school.

Same deal.

No drugs.

No alcohol.

School uniform.

---

My mum was raped by her uncle.

I don't know the details, as it's not really something you tell your kids about. But,

no alcohol.

no drugs.

jeans and a button up. (I'm assuming from the pictures of mum as a teen)

---

Drunk, Drugged, or Naked: Rape is Never the Victims Fault

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Just in my experience, in my own experience, hearing from other people, it happening to family or even myself.

In each case, the victim was known to the perpetrator.

In each case, the victim was not under the influence.

In each case, the victim was not wearing anything innapropriate.

So how can anyone say, that whether or not somebody is sexually attacked, has anything to do with those three factors?

Because most of the time?

It has nothing to fucking do with it.

--

I'm not going to write anymore, it'll only serve to upset me.

And I know I'm going to get a few haters but really, nothing they say will affect me, it's a reflection on who THEY are. Nothing to do with me.

5 2

Most Helpful Girl

  • Know what? I was drunk. I got drunk of my own volition. I've gotten stupid drunk many times throughout my life.

    Out of the hundreds of times I've passed out drunk, I was raped ONE time. Know what the crazy part is? The time I was raped it was at a party where I knew everyone and trusted everyone - my attacker included.

    I've passed out in the "sleep off room" at my buddies's frat house in uni... didn't get raped.

    I've passed out at my male friends' houses many times... didn't get raped.

    I've left a bar drunk, by myself... didn't get raped.

    I've hosted parties at my own house where I later passed out in my room while people were still partying... didn't get raped.

    So yeah... getting drunk and passing out hasn't got a damn thing to do with it. For many years I blamed myself for allowing myself to get raped... for bringing it on even... but over time I've come to realize my drinking had nothing to do with it. I had every reason and every right to feel safe that night. The guy who raped me? If I hadn't passed out drunk he probably would have coerced me in one way or another anyways... he was a 26 year old man, who I have family ties to, and I was a drunk, naive 17 year old girl... he didn't need me to drink myself into a stupor to take what he wanted. It just so happened I did and that made it easy for him. That doesn't make it my fault. It makes him a fucking rapist.

    • Thank you so much for sharing!

Most Helpful Guy

  • Around 6% of the worldwide population are potential, or actual rapists. Small figure, but these deviants are enough to cause havoc.

    Rape victims are never guilty, but the moment you decide to go out and drink, and even do drugs you are exposing yourself. I get this take is just a way for you to channel your frustration, but if you actually want to do something about it, instead of reclarifiying who has the fault, share some of your own advices and precautions to avoid having one of these events.

    A good start: Don't go out drinking by yourself, or with just a couple of other females. Go in groups, and with responsabible people. Have fun and drink once in a while but don't take it as weekly routine, specially if you are easily predisposed to addictions. You know, stuff like that.

    The possibility of being abused/molested is just one of the risks you get for partying and walking/driving around drunk. Car accidents, getting into fights, knife/gun assaults, getting mugged, etc, are all risks.

    So if I walk into a dark alley full of maras, what good is it going to make saying "because it totally was my decision to walk in there that erased their morals".

    We're talking about sociopaths, rapists and all, and they only see easy targets at their disposal.

    So again, start advicing others and attack the "party girl" reckless mentality first and foremost.

    • I think the asker posted an excellent post! She is trying to do something about it. She is combatting the attitude that it is the fault of the victim! Too many people look at a story about rape and look no further. They just blame the victim. No point in attacking the "party girl" mentality when the problem is a stepfather who rapes you in your own bed, and fearing a mother who would side with the bastard instead of protecting her own daughter. Or a six year old raped in the toilet at her school by 12 year old boys! Society needs to stop coddling the rapists in these cases, and asker is fighting for that.

    • @Red_Arrow It's never the fault of the victim when it comes to real rape, but remember there's another faux version of rape that many women use these days. A lot of these cases, and many of the charges some men suffer are unjustified and simply unfair. Many men get their reputations destroyed for this. And congruently, people will take less and less seriously rape victims, and partly that's women (specifically feminists) own fault. Attack the party girl mentality, I say, and reckless lifestyles. Attack the women who take rape s lightly, that they use it out of misandry and revenge. Attack what mainstream hip hop songs and such are teaching to high school girls, and to other boys too, etc. The asker is simply stating she was raped, and she's making sure everyone knows her situation was real and that in her specific situation the abusers are at fault. It's fine if she want to channel it, but it's not really taking action on the roots of the problem here.

    • The "roots of the problem" happens to be (in this and many/most cases) that many men think it is okay to rape women, whether it be by physically forcing it on them or by raping them when they are unconscious. Or the victim was simply too scared to really resist. And she is attacking that problem.

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What Girls & Guys Said

5 17

  • It's not. I've never been raped myself, but I saw a study that said that 1 out of every 2 girls will get raped. That means i have a high chance. Now i'm constantly pulling down my skirt, dress, or shorts so that it covers my legs more. I can hardly walk my dog without seeing a couple of guys that are older than me, and being really afraid. Our world is messed up. I don't blame the whole race of males, just the ones that are out to hurt me.

    • Uh... yea 1 out of every 2 girls are not raped, that's a ridiculous statistic. That study is super inaccurate Like seriously, men are actually raped more than women, and it's not 1 out of 2 men. (And yes, this is a true fact, but prison rape is what basically causes that to be true.)

    • @Zinkr7 rape is the second most rare crime after murder in nearly every developed country so I have no idea where you got that statistic from.

    • @Hollyfox I didn't... And 1 out of every 2 people aren't murdered either...

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  • No one has ever said that rape victims are not victims or at fault they have mentioned that if your getting wasted around people you don't know then this is a bad situation and you need to not do that. Just like how I won't walk down a dark alley in an area known for muggings, I wouldn't be to blame for getting mugged but I would be an idiot for putting myself into needless harm. That's the difference so I really don't understand why people mix that up, no one said that rapist are not bad and its the victims fault nobody so why keep claiming some one has? Might as well claim its never okay to murder some one, your arguing against something that doesn't exist, no one is going to say otherwise. Also rape is actually rare, despite what people like to believe, so again I really don't understand what your trying to argue? That rape is bad? Well of course that's why every one hates rapist, that's why rapist usually have a very bad time in prison because even criminals hate rapist. You also neglected to mention male victims of rape which are about as much as female victims and you forgot to include male children as victims of rape and sexual molestation which are actually far more common then female ones. Now I have to then give my little disclaimer her that I as a child was raped and sexually molested (and beaten and starved near to death) by my mother and her boyfriend over the course of years so please don't tell me what its like or what have you because I know better then most (three years of my life was spent experiencing what most never do and a few only experience once). Now your also conflating child molestation with a full grown adult being raped by a stranger which is illogical as they are two very different situations.

    • Im sorry for what happened to you. But go back and reread because Im pretty sure I mentioned what happened to my brother (who is *gasp* male). All these accounts are either close to me or on my mind. I dont know of any male victims (except my grandfather but i did not think of him at time of writing the take nor do i have enough information (or a trustworthy source) to speak of that. ) Plus one of my uncles is a charged and convicted rapist so excuse me for being just a little biast.

    • What you described about your brother was bullying which is different then sexual assault. I am not going to excuse you for being bias, that's precisely why male victims which are just as common as female victims get completely ignored. Most male rapist where themselves raped almost always by a woman, again you ignore this and you just perpetuate the problem you wanted to make it female centric despite it being a non gendered issue. And again what your describing is unrelated to what those statements (intoxication and such) would be attributed to. The reason we ask about intoxication or point that out isn't to say they are not a victim of rape but to show that it could have been avoided if they simply used common sense. Yes it would be nice if every one was decent human being but until that happens you have to think things through.

    • Im not excluding male victims at all. And im not trying to focus on female victims only. Female victims just happen to be the only ones i know of. Any other victims i have only assumed are, or are only rumoured among friends to be. No confirmation so i thought it wrong to speak of them. I apologise that not enough people around me get raped for me to know any male victims. So fucking sorry. Quit replying to me. You are really only serving to piss me off.

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  • great take. gives me chills reading these things

    there are precautions people can take but no one asks to be raped or encourages someone to rape them. a victim is a victim... not you are a victim but...

    • I know what you mean. I'm going into the big city this weekend, and as much as I'd like to think I'd be safe, I know better than to find myself wandering the streets alone.

  • #preach This is goals <3 This was awesome to read and I'm so sorry about what happened to your brother and to you. It sucks that things like that happen in our world.

  • Blaming the victim is always a bad thing a person can do

  • If you decide to get drunk, it's the same as wandering around the forest with a blindfold on and no gun. You're just asking for a wolf to eat you.

    No you weren't in the wrong, it was the wolf who decided to eat you, but NOT BEING A FUCKING IDIOT might've lessened the chances of that happening.

    • But men aren't animals, they don't rape to survive. Rape is nothing but a malicious act done with full intent, women shouldn't have to stop going out or drinking, just because some men have no morals.

    • @ShaeNielson no, the men with no morals ARE animals that's my point. There's a reason they refer to them as "predators". This is real life honey, you can't rely on everyone else to be saintly and not take advantage of you.

    • No they aren't animals. Animals act on instinct, rapists act on their own shitty morals and disgusting pleasure. Im not relying on anything but Im sure not gonna be scared and stop having fun, just because there are sick individuals in this world, do you understand that, sweetness?

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  • Quite right, it most certainly is never the victims fault, whatever the circumstances.
    In nudist environments people of both genders and all ages are naked together, no big thing, and no assaults as far as I am aware.
    It is all in the perpetrators mind, often done because they know they can get away with it, and they have little or no concern for the effect on their victim, physically or mentally.
    People who do this disgust me, everybody has the right to not be violated by another person against their will.

  • no shit. what's next? tell us the sky's blue? lol

    jesus these posts are so stupid.

    let's put one up to remind mothers not to murder their children next... cuz that's about how this sounds to the rational mind.

  • did you tell your mother?

    • Yes. Id rather not get into that though. She has a way of making things bigger than they need to be.

    • i see. i'm sorry that happened to you. i hope you're ok

    • Yeah Im okay. Its sort of just melted in with the rest of my life. Like yeah that happened, but so did this and this and that and now I've got this other crap to worry about. I just can't be bothered being bothered by it half the time.

  • my sympathies go out to you, any man who does that needs his balls chopped off, no excuse, not all of us are like that, I am more of a soft and gentle type, can't understand why people want to hurt people, hope you can put this behind you,

  • I can't understand why people make these whole, "Well you were drinking" excuses,
    SERIOUSLY.
    To quote from one of my favorite fantasy books of mine.
    "There are names for people who take advantage of women who are not in full control of themselves, and none of those names will ever rightfully be applied to me."
    — Kvothe, The Name of the Wind

    • I hope you are doing better

    • Yeah I'm okay, just saw a question on here earlier that set me off a little.

  • Being a victim is not anyone's fault.
    Making sure to not be a victim again is.
    For instance:
    If I go down a dark alley and get mugged, then that's not my fault.

    If I go to the same or similar alley, and it happens again, then dude, WTF?

    You only get so many chances before you run out and die.

  • The vicitim shouldn't be blamed, but you shouldn't put yourself in a situation where you could be raped. For example, getting drunk at a party and passing out, is a terrible idea.

    • I agree, it is always a terrible idea to pass out full stop, but my I direct your attention to this image:

      cf.girlsaskguys.com/.../...0-9e9a-d314f81893e7.jpg

    • I agree, it shouldn't happen, but it still doesn't change the fact that being drunk makes you a easier target. Being drunk hurts your ability to defend yourself.

  • Before i start, dont get the wrong idea. I am not defending rapists.
    I think that this day in ge its a very gray line. If a girl says she was rapped people automatically believe her and assume the guy is guilty and it seems like everything is considered rape these days you meet a girl and youve been flirting all night you gets a little tipsy fast forward to the end of the night all you do is give her a little smooch on the cheek cause you guys seemed to have such a great night she wakes up in the morning and cries rape after sobering out dont
    im not saying the guy would be found guilty but just being accused will put a damper on his life... its a real possibility to be falsly accused of rape this day in age and its terrifying as a guy who would never never ever even think of hurting a woman

    Also i dont like the whole "its not the mini skirt" or "not shirt no concent" to me it feels likte its implying women catn rape men... my make friend was raped by a woman in high school

    • I ran out of letters All im saying is that it can be a very grey area these days and its scary to think about how it can ruin your life if you're falsely accused If we are talking about peope that are drunk have done drugs, have passed out for what ever reason, have been forced into what wver the situation then yes ofcourse its the rapists fault and fuck that person for being so evil

    • a false accusation of rape should carry THE SAME SENTENCE AS RAPE.

  • Drunk, Drugged, Naked or full of shit. Rape is Never the accusers Fault.

  • assuming the victim got any kind of fault is just another form of rape to me.

  • If a girl gets drunk and acts like a slut, and then has sex with a guy... Ten wakes up the next day and thinks to herself she doesn't really like the guy after all, is it rape? No. The problem is not trying to define 'rape', the problem is the society where people are acting like idiots. Feminists have destroyed morality and now they complain about people acting like animals. Well, duh, you did it. You destroyed the patriarchy, now you get irresponsible men and women who don't care about morality and are only interested in casual sex.

    • Where did I try to define rape? No, regretting sex is not the same as rape and anyone I meet who tries to claim otherwise will receive a well deserved slap, but that's still got nothing to do with what I wrote here.

    • Let's be realistic. A drunk woman who acts like a slut is asking for it. It IS her fault. Just as it IS your fault to leave your car with the doors unlocked in Detroit.

    • @plinkett "There are names for people who take advantage of women who are not in full control of themselves, and none of those names will ever rightfully be applied to me." — Kvothe, The Name of the Wind

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  • Anyone who begins to sexualise an individual, item (clothing) or a group, has already began to break away from being civilised within themselves, because if your sexualise something or someone you already see that thing what ever it is as nothing more than an object for you to objectify. So rape is a serious moral wrong.

    I never have experienced any horrific incident such as this however know a close friend who has, the victim for some reason always feels ashamed, they shouldn't and should take the opportunity to expose evil in this world and make the perpetrator feel ashamed with guilt otherwise if not they have won.

  • I wish the world was a place where you could go out, wear what you want, act however you wanted, and there be no risk whatsoever of rape. It hurts me that, as sentient, thinking humans, this is even still a problem in society.

    However, the fact of the matter is that there are rapists out there, the same way as there are wild animals and drug dealers and murderers. And unfortunately, dressing and acting in certain ways attracts these horrible people, the same way as holding up your posh phone or full wallet in a bad neighbourhood will probably result in them getting stolen.

    Until we've changed society - and this is an effort that will take a long time - I believe people should take certain precautions like not walking alone at night in a short skirt and crop top. I don't mean that offensively, but I mean it logically. Again, that should NOT have to be the case. But in this world, that's the way things are.

    If you swim in the sea, be prepared for sharks.

  • I know this too well.
    The others said "You were drunk. You just imagined it. We didn't see anybody." because fled when I was giving some resistence and went loud so that others noticed it. They even said that I opened and put half down my trousers myself. It wasn't until more attacks by the same on people who were not drunk that I was believed.

    • Sorry that happened to you :( Fucking sucks doesn't it.

    • @Sara413 yes, especially since being still free because plice didn't want to do anything

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