Every "Penis size" thread ever.

[Brossel]

The mother of all questions, the bane of every man's existence, the male equivalent to "Does this dress make me look fat?".
Everybody knows, there is no correct way to answer the inevitable "Does size matter", yet at least every other day a new thread about it is born, taking countless commentors with it during its lifetime.
Each of these threads is fairly similar in nature and content. The following myTake will walk you through these common features, hopefully entertaining you in the process.
So please, enjoy this journey through the wondrous world of "Does size matter"...

Chapter 1: The question

Everything starts with a simple desire for an answer. The creator (usually a male, though the occasional curious female does find its way down this rabbit hole) of the thread has had enough of wondering and contemplating on their own, and sets out to ask the women of the world!
Surely, nobody before them has had this idea, so active and enthusiastic participation in the completely new subject is expected. No time to check Google beforehand, they want answers.
But make no mistake, some of them have already decided which answers are genuine and which aren't, they already know the answer. They simply want to test, if women are going to be honest about it, which of course they aren't. Because they don't speak for all women. Unless they say you have a big penis, then they do.

Some individuals add detailed information about their own size for extra points, which they can later exchange for gummy bears at the local ego-shop, should the responses be positive enough.

Chapter 2: What Girls Said

Of course, this thread is primarily directed at female readers and commentors, that are more than happy to assist in discussing this groundbreaking topic. There are various types of females with various types of opinions to be found in the comment section, I will now present the most prevalent ones.

Most Helpful Girl

She has spent more than just a few minutes formulating her opinion. Because she does not want to upset anyone, she makes sure that she is not being condescending or even mean, yet she makes her position very clear.
The reaffirming and honest "Don't worry", does not come without very direct criticism of the question itself.
Males tend to find their comments calming, other females support it in hopes that the males might eventually stop overthinking the sweet things in life.

The Veteran

She's been in the field many times, and has always come out alive. But the horrors of what she has witnessed there have taken a toll on her. She used to be the Most Helpful, but after years of reciting the same lines, she has become notably less sympathetic. She does not mean to hurt anyone's feelings, but she won't treat you like a baby any more. She thinks you're being a little stupid for worrying about it, and she will tell you.
Don't feel threatened by her, but if she gets too aggressive, tell her to stop. She will probably see her mistakes and apologize.

The mean Bitch

She may look like a Veteran from far away, but make no mistake, this one is venomous. Her intent is to crush male egos, and she know's just how to do it. What she actually thinks about the subject is not really important to her, all she sees is prey. Prey to be clawed to death.

Aunt Lisa

She's now in her 40s and lives a happy und fulfilling life with her husband (maybe even the second one). She ain't no hoe, but she's had a few. And she knows that bigger ain't always better. Infact, her best sexual experiences have been with guys on the smaller side, and she's not shy to talk about it. She never stopped being a Most Helpful at heart, but she has stepped back to give the young women a chance to speak for themselves.
Her intentions are good, and she's just lovely in general, but she tends to forget that this is mainly a problem for younger men, that don't have the amount of experience or confidence that she is used to from her partners.

The Virgin - Female Edition

This one is pretty self-explanatory. She hasn't had any serious sexual experiences yet, but she is here to learn about it. Little does she know that she just stepped into a very messy situation, and she survives by taking a neutral position. Some try to take part in the conversation by relying on statistics, which usually doesn't help them too much. Still, her presence is very much appreciated and encouraged.
Which of the previous and following types she will turn into, only time can tell.

The "What is an inch?"

She has never figured out how to use measuring tape and is honestly surprised to find out how long 8 inches actually are. Common phrases like "I think the average penis of 7 inches is completely fine" serve as unintentional amusement for more experienced commentors. Colloquially she is sometimes refered to as The Oxy-Moron.

While there are many more types of females, such as the Size Queen, the Porn is Evil or the Just use a Dildo, they are far less common than the one's listed above.

Chapter 3: What Guys Said

Most Helpful Guy

He's very similar to his female counterpart in attitude. But he has the advantage of having been there himself. This allows him to relate closely to our curious OC, and give in-depth advice as a consequence. He's still young himself, but he has some great tips on how to go about this subject. If you had aksed him about it in person over a nice beer, he'd have told you the same things he tells you online. "Don't worry too much, you can do it, and if she doesn't like your dick, get a new partner."

The Humble Brag

He's on the larger side, and he know's it. While he is not obsessed with his own size, he can't really hide that he is a little proud of it. Therefore he has designed a special technique to boast while being supportive at the same time.
He will say that size does not matter that much, that it's all technique, and that you shouldn't worry too much. He then conveniently puts his above average measurements and the end of his comment, showing that he is infact big. But hey, it's not that important right, so don't be jealous.
But Ladies, do be impressed, because he knows you are.

The Virgin - Male Edition

The same curiosity that motivated the OC to create the thread has made the male Virgin stick out its head, sniffing for information. It is a clever one, since it thought of searching the already existant threads for answers, instead of creating a new one. This curiosity leaves the male Virgin somewhat vulnerable, it may also be troubled by what it has seen in pictures and videos during its research.

This vulnerability can turn into a full-blown complex if the Virgin does not evolve into a new form for a long time, especially if they show low self-esteem. Therefore, they should be handled carefully in the beginning, but if they start to become more stuborn in their broderline-paranoia, do not be afraid to spray them with some water.

Uncle Phillip

Like Aunt Lisa, he used to be one of the Most Helpful, and has now reached his middle-ages. He's the guy that taught you how to make fire and took you out camping, now he's here to help you conquer your insecurities. While he was by no means a player. he's been around the block, and is therefore qualified to give you some good advice. He has dealt with pretty much every male insecurity, and he has come out alive and stronger. He knows he's not the biggest fella in the room, but he makes up for it in charme and dedication, and this is what he'll give you on your way. "Lay back and enjoy the ride" is his motto, and he believes it should be yours too.

The depressed little Guy

With this specimen, the best strategy is to ignore them and their ramblings about their sexual inadequacy. They may have had a traumatic experience with a female, or pornography has got them to this self loathing state, either way they have convinced themselves that their penis is too small to pleasure a woman. Do not interact with them, there is nothing you can say that would help them. Only an extremely enduring and reaffirming partner could help them out of this state.

The Big Dicked Troll, the Just ask for anal or the occasional Gay Guy usually stick to their own, specific habitats and only sometimes find their way to the GaG forum.

Chapter 4: Conclusion

Thus ends our journey through "Does size matter". We have seen many interesting individuals on our way, that can help us make our own decisions on how to answer this one question to rule them all.

Though we have to ask ourselves, how important is this question really?

It is justified of course, but hasn't everything been said already, and countless times at that?

I guess that it is not up for me to decide.

Still, I hope that you could find as much enjoyment in reading this myTake as I did in writing it. I am of course aware that I probably forgot about many more types of commentors, male and female, so please:

Do add your findings in the comments! I'm looking forward to your discoveries!

Thank you for you attention, and have a wonderful day!