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Editorial note: this post isn't meant to be a definitive statement on whether or not humans can be sorted into "alpha" versus "not alpha" groupings. I'm writing this on the basis of how the semantic usage of "alpha males" is widely understood. You may disagree about the existence of "alphaness" as an intrinsic attribute of any particular male, but we at least all have an idea of how the term exists in popular culture. Its from that linguistic starting point that I'm making these clarifications. The existence of these clarifications is not a commentary on the need for men to "be alphas", it's just a clarification of how I observe "real men" acting versus how these "fake alphas" tend to act. It is thus descriptive in nature, not prescriptive. I consider myself neither "alpha" or "beta" or anything in-between, but I recognise these terms carry semantic value; so I'll play the linguistic ball where it lies, rather than interject my own lexicon into the existing cultural conversation.
Fake alpha male: Obsessed with his own image, and especially how that image reflects his self-perceived "alpha status".
Real alpha male: Aware of what his image conveys to others, and makes deliberate choices in how he presents himself, but doesn't derive his sense of identity from the perception of others, and is unphased by whether or not others view him as "alpha" or not, and probably finds it tacky to draw attention to any such valuation. Embodies the ethos of "if you got it, you shouldn't need to announce it".
Fake Alpha male: Loud and boisterous; takes up space physically and verbally in an effort to seem "bigger" than he is. Manspreading and interrupting people may be symptoms of this artifical "enlargement". Uses eye contact as a "weapon", trying to stare down other men and "eye-fuck" random women, without regards to how he's endearing himself to the broader social context.
Real alpha male: neither shrinks away nor inflates his stature unnecessarily. Carries himself with a calm composed aura of quiet confidence. Makes eye contact easily with everyone, without feeling the need to invade others' personal space. Doesn't need to puff his chest or raise his voice, he has a healthy sense of his own power and his own capabilities, and doesn't need to display too much of it outwardly, he keeps his power for himself and only makes a show of force when absolutely critical for his safety or the safety of those under his care.
Fake Alpha male: as an extension of the aforementioned posturing, fake alphas are quick to become aggressive and wield the threat of violence to get what they want, whether or not they actually intend to follow through. It is often unclear whether they will back down or not when challenged, but generally speaking a man who's genuinely prepared to attack them viciously in response will make them think twice and back down (or wait for "backup", which is where the ACTUAL danger may lie, since strength in numbers is the great leveler in anti-social violence). These violent threats are typically accompanied by a great deal of verbal threats, yelling, getting up in people's faces, etc. These posturing signs are usually a sign of insecurity, as truly dangerous people do not give off so many "tells" of what they're planning to do. Truly violent people will often be quiet and reserved, until they're not, and the switch to violence is very sudden and not telegraphed, and they go much further in the extent of the violence itself. This is the difference between an anti-social fake Alpha, and an a asocial psychopath.
Real alpha male: is capable of inflicting violence and can respond tit for tat if provoked; but generally avoids "looking for a fight" as he has nothing to prove. Any use of violence on his part is solely an extension of his role as "protector", and once that role is fulfilled, he will disengage from further violence, knowing his limits well enough to know excessive force serves no purpose. Tends not to telegraph any use of violence, but will give his adversary multiple chances to walk away, knowing this would also fulfil his role as protector, as violence avoided is the same outcome as violence "won". (except in situations where avoiding violence just brings it back around later, for example, where his girlfriend is being spied on by a stalker.)
Fake alpha male: "Negs" women and puts women down to raise himself up. Borderline obsession with "taking the pussy off the pedestal", he refuses to make even the smallest concession to account for a woman's legitimate needs. This tendency may or may not intersect with an intense interest in "red pill" ideology and Internet communities based on advocacy for repealing women's rights. (Although such men also exist in the far-left, seeing women as powerless victims who need to be "saved" by 'pick-me', 'male savior' activists.)
Real alpha male: has a high self-esteem and treats women with the same regard and dignity with which he treats himself. He doesn't want women knocked off their pedestal, he puts himself on a pedestal and invites women to join him on the same pedestal together. Avoids extreme beliefs about controlling women's choices, but is also not afraid to call women out on bad behavior. He maintains high standards and is willing to walk away if necessary, but ultimately accepts women's nature as it is, and encourages women in his life to bring their best to all that they do, and he leads by example in his own conduct. Is comfortable taking the lead, but also recognises there's a "dance" of sorts wherein the woman ALLOWS him to lead (ever tried dancing the tango with a woman who won't allow the man to lead? It just doesn't work, so she actually has an equal amount of agency, because his leadership depends on her cooperation, which in turn must be earned by the total sum of the impression he makes in his conduct, behavior, attitude, etc.)
Fake Alpha male: spends a lot of energy on judging other men and trying to "prove" how other men are "subordinate" to him. May seek out positions of authority to reinforce this, but typically only rises so far before the "real alphas" put a muzzle on his ambitions. Consequently, these fake alphas are often found in middle management; HR positions where they have a mandate to enforce company policy over others; and team leader positions that have an illusion of authority that doesn't actually hold up next to the true decision makers in a company.
Real alpha male: Knows his worth and knows how to negotiate on the basis of his worth. But always allows his counterparts to feel respected and understood in negotiations. Uninterested in making other men "submit" to his will; he's solely focused on his goals, and negotiates with other people (especially other men, though not exclusively) on the basis of how his goals may intersect with theirs. His reputation for spirited yet respectful negotiation and self-restraint among his peers earns him the right to negotiate with the real decision makers in a company -- and thus he goes further than the fake alphas he ultimately gains influence over. This natural influence he has extends to all parts of his life, and so he maintains good relations with friends, family, and the people he interacts with in day to day life. He treats cashiers and waiters with the same respect and consideration he affords to company CEOs and business clients. Through all this he never loses sight of his boundaries and values, and remains willing to walk away from a "bad deal" or a position of authority that no longer correlates to his own goals. He'd rather start again from the ground up than cling to power for power's sake, if he believed starting over would better serve his goals.
I could probably keep going, but those are the big differences I see. What do you think? What do you see as the difference between "real" and "fake" alpha males?
What Girls & Guys Said
6 21This is a pretty good take. You could easily title it "real man" instead of alpha.
Wish "men" would get off alpha, beta, etc. garbage. We used to refer to alpha, etc. in training dogs but not anymore... so are men who use these terms stupider than dogs?
What you describe as an "alpha", a term found predominantly in American society but not often elsewhere, is what other countries/societies would call a natural-born leader.
What you describe as "fake alpha", a term found predominantly in American society but not often elsewhere, is what other countries/societies would call a loser, douchebag, piece of crap, etc.
As I said in the preface to my post, my use of these terms here shouldn't be construed as an endorsement of their usage. It would be better if everyone moved away from this terminology towards more useful descriptors, but language evolves of its own accord, and so if this is the terminology that exists in common parlance, then I'll happily use it as a building block for my own reinterpretation of its use. Getting too hung up on the words themselves kinda undermines the fact that this post is, at its core, a critique of their overuse, and not a blind affirmation thereof.
Condensed bullshit
Fake alpha male: has sex with loads of Tinder sluts at a time when getting laid has never been easier, and somehow thinks that this is something to brag about.
Real alpha male: marries a good woman and has a bunch of kids, raises them well.
I got better things to do then to read this long winded asinine shit
But you got time to comment...
Well said. Seen a lot of fake leaders thinking they can mimic and pretend to be one.