Sexual Relationships 
Sexual Health By far, the questions that I see asked the most about relationships concern whether or not being Friends With Benefits or FWB is a good idea. Is it good? Is it bad? Well, that depends on your perspective. Having experienced this in my own life, and watched my friends struggle through similar situations...I have to say that nine times out of ten, FWB is not a good idea.
Now, I’m not trying to be a hater on those of you who, by some miracle, manage to make this situation work for you. If you can, then more power to you. Who am I to judge what is appropriate for someone else’s lifestyle? What you do with your sex life doesn’t make you any better or any worse than me.
So, what is the one thing above all else that sabotages the FWB relationship? In this author’s humble opinion, it call an be reduced down to one little word.
Emotion.
The inability to keep emotion out of the Friends With Benefits equation is, without a doubt, the number one reason why these things fail. The FWB relationship, at it’s essence, is about having no-strings-attached. No emotions. No pressure. Just wham, bam, thank you ma’am. Don’t expect an all night cuddle session afterward and don’t expect breakfast in the morning.
At least, that’s how it supposed to go, right?
Quite often though, people tend to blur the lines between friendship and sex. Once this begins, emotion comes into play, and when emotion is introduced---the very fabric of the Friends With Benefits relationship comes apart.
So, why does this happen? Why does emotion always seem to come up in these situations? Why does one person, usually the woman, end up wanting a “real” relationship?
Because it’s never just sex.
Let’s take a look at the word “friend” for a minute. According to Dictionary.com, a friend is "a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard".
That, right there defeats the purpose of a no-strings-attached relationship. You don't become friends with someone because you have no connection to them. You become friends with them because you do connect with them on some level. You have things in common and you support one another.
How can you have a no-strings-attached anything with someone that you already care for? This is not to say that every friendship we have has the potential to turn sexual, but when you introduce sex into an otherwise platonic friendship where there is already some sort of a connection---you run the risk of that bond becoming more intense over time and eventually turning into love.
For at least one person, anyway.
And unfortunately, ladies, that's usually us.
Why? Ton's of reasons that we have all heard over and over. Women are wired differently. Women attach more meaning to sex. Women physiologically respond to sex differently from men. A woman's hormone's wreak havoc with her emotions.
While all these things may be true, what really gets me is that, when the FWB relationship fails because the woman wants more than just sex from the man and she's denied.....the resultant heartbreak and sorrow of the woman is twisted to make her look like she's crazy or unreasonable.
"You knew going in that it was just sex. We're not dating."
But, guys (and gals--I'm just using the male to female model since it's so common) let's be realistic here for a sec. You're sleeping with this chick who also happens to have been a good friend first. So, you do things that friends do. You hang out together, you go to the movies together, you chat on the phone, or message each other on the computer, you gripe to each other about that over bearing boss at work or the parents that are making your life miserable. All the things that friends do, but with one little difference.
You're having sex with your friend in the midst of all this.
Maybe you stayed up chatting about what you wanna do with your life after some late night booty. Maybe you stayed the night even though you really weren't supposed to. I mean, you were just really tired and it was too late to leave. Maybe you woke up and you were accidentally cuddling up next to your friend and you were just so comfy that you didn't want to move. You can't control what you do in your sleep, right? Maybe when you got up you went and made breakfast or brought her back some coffee. You were just being nice, right? How could your friend possibly misread your intentions? You told him/her that you're just friends. Friends who also have sex. There's no way anyone could possibly get the lines crossed here.
Right?
WAKE UP. If you're in a no-strings relationship and you begin to do all the conventional things that people in an exclusive relationship do---Lines will be crossed. Emotions are going to come up. Attachments will be made and eventually someone is going to want more.
While this shouldn't be surprising, people act like they've been blindsided when one person confesses having feelings for the other. "I thought I said this was just a friends with benefits thing". Yeah, you said, but then one person begins behaving contrary to their intentions (knowingly or unknowingly) and the other person began to follow their lead. Is it really that surprising that feelings would develop when two people who initially connected at a platonic level introduce sex into their "friendship"?
No, it's really not.
Because for the majority of people sex comes with emotion and it is increasingly difficult to divide one from the other.
So, the next time you you think about pursuing a FWB relationship with someone that you know really well, consider the fact that the very term itself is a bit of an oxymoron if you're looking for a no-strings-attached sexual relationship. Consider the wisdom of having sex with someone whom you're already connected to by the strings of friendship and all the emotional complications that could come out of it.
Sex without the emotions or expectations of being in a normal relationship sounds like a good idea at first, but, more often than not, it ends up being more complicated and emotionally draining than if you had just decided to date exclusively in the first place.
Friends With Benefits: A Contradiction
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What Girls & Guys Said
18 12I agree with you 100%
Bravo, great article! Everyone should read this. I almost found myself in this position- I slept with a friend and luckily I knew myself & could see serious feelings develop so I completely stopped seeing him, took a step back and looked at the situation. Realized I was being stupid & let my emotions fade & logic take over & now I'm completely fine. He wanted nothing more than sex so I'm lucky I didn't let myself get emotionally involved but I know if I would have if I had slept with him again.
Well said! I have FWB and so far things have stayed within boundaries, I don't have feelings for him and it's all good. However, it's only been two weeks so we'll see where this goes... Hopefully, I'm that one out of ten that doesn't end in heartbreak!
The problem is that when it comes to any thing to do with sex we have all this software in us to make us behave in cretin ways that are optimal for reproduction. We are machines, the only way we are going to own our sexuality is if we can dig into the genetic aspects of it and make some changes. Not today, but it's coming.
I have a very close girlfriend of mine who is in a friends with benefits situation with a man now for 7 years and he has a live in gf.
i also told her that this will not end until she ends it and will continue no matter if his girlfriend knows or not.
that if the girlfriend does suspect something all he'll do is lay low for awhile and eventually resurface
she should not be friends with benefits with a guy who has a gf.
Ur a genius
Well said!!!
Agreed. It is bad news, but I've been through a few and you gotta know when to get out otherwise you get hurt. And then you have to establish some rules to make sure it's strictly sex and no more, easier said that done I know all too well but if you want the benefits you gotta set the rules