Sexual Relationships 
Sexual Health 
When I grew up and entered the adult world, tons of people told me that sex was meaningless and I was just being on old-fashioned Priss. Being naive (and trusting the wrong people) I had a one night stand at the urging of so called friends.
I recall nervously telling the guy that it was my first time in that realm. He sneered at me and said "Most women say that so you won't think they're a slut..." At that moment I felt very cheapened. Later, the one girl who had coaxed me into the one night stand laughed and replied, "See, now you are no better than me, and you can't say anything to me!"
I cried.
I never had another one night stand again, and learned some valuable lessons. Despite how nonchalant people try to be about sex, it is far more complicated than many would have us believe. As I matured, I made other sexual missteps, but of a different nature. Because of this, I slowly realized a pattern of behavior. MOST people, MEN INCLUDED, do not really take sex lightly, they merely run from various implications of it.
Now, this may not be the case with all people who enjoy a liberated lifestyle, but I will say that the MAJORITY of men and women I found who engaged in wanton, free sex, be it with stranger or friend, were either afraid of commitment, or running from something.
Invariably, if I sat down to talk with these people (I have a way of making people feel comfortable enough to bare their souls) they spill on old ghosts, fears, childhoods, that hint at why they don't desire to have an adult, give and take, one on one sexual relationship.
There were always two main culprits, which is always at the heart of emotional issues.
Fear and anger:
- Fear is borne from individuals who believe that they are damaged, and don't want to let anyone in enough to see flaws. As soon as someone gets too close, they run like scared rabbits.
- Anger emerged from those who were hurt by a man or woman, or as a child, culminating in an immature, almost sociopathic rage that only served to perpetuate the cycle of pain that we inflict on one another - such a response solves nothing.
Immature individuals also feel they deserve to have what they want free of expectations or respect to the person they want to obtain it from. In this way, meaningless sex allows them to have the perks of a relationship, without having to deal with the needs of someone else.
People must realize that anything that has worth, kids, love, marriage, come with a price--nothing is free. You can't just walk into a store and walk out with diamond--you pay for it. Sex has its price as well, and we can't circumvent it.
Did we not learn anything from the past? The free love sixties fell by the wayside with a thud. Why? Because Human beings are by and large, emotional and spiritual beings. We are not Vulcans who can push aside our natural responses with a "logical pact". Our emotional side is just as valid as the intellectual one.
We are biologically engineered to bond after sex. For example, a woman release a hormone called oxytocin when she orgasms during sex. This hormone is also released when she breastfeeds her baby, so that she bonds with it. Some studies indicate men also release a hormone that causes an attachment to the female partner. We are SUPPOSED to want to be with one another after a sexual experience -- it is the nature of the human creatures design.
As I told one poster, it ain't nice to fool with mother nature!
Want to know why FWB doesn't work--because sex does mean something--we know in our hearts this is true, no matter what we tell ourselves -- going against our hearts and spirits has always been the height of human folly, but also of man's learning and evolution.
What Girls & Guys Said
37 12Very wise words! *applauds*
I'm sorry that so called friend hurt you like that, that's just horrible to do to someone. =[
Lovely! I just absolutly love this article! great job! very eye opening!
I'm a huge fan of Seinfeld, and an episode of that show called "The Deal" (regarding a prospective FWB relationship between Elaine and Jerry) was a comedic illustration of this very principle. There are some exceptions of course, and certain people can be 100% rational in this arrangement without getting emotionally invested in the other person. However, by and large, FWB often fails due to the reasons outlined here by Alicia and more.
I agree with you 100 percent here, and I couldn't say it any better! Really great article! I made a similar comment about FWB on another question about it. I'm happy to see morality, affection, respect, and decency make a reappearance here!
I have to disagree to some level. I had a FWB and it worked out well. The important thing to remember is that the "friend" comes before the benefit. I knew my FWB for over six years before we added those benefits and we laid down clear ground rules. When neither one of us was in a relationship, we would. You are right about the maturity level that it takes to have a FWB. Most people don't want to invest in that though.
Besides, I did try it, and I am just not made that way. I stopped apologizing a long time ago for being someone who wanted something deeper, so I won't start now...
I didn't say it couldn't happen, but the odds are so slim that it is a big risk to take. If one takes that step, they must be sure to be honest about how they feel about one another ( if one is in love and the other not then it is a recipe for disaster) and also, about what they want from relationships. If both of you can be casual about it then got for it--you are in a rare percentile...
I agree with yah Mango--but I do think that people who are mature, caring and loving enough to make
it work are rare as the human animal appears to be very survivalistic and out for self most times...just my observation...
Left hand, while I peronsonally didn't do it because I know I wouldn't have the heart to just be casual, I know waay too many girls and guys for that matter who had their hearts broken or destroyed friendships with FWB so while it can work for a few, from what I have seen in general, it tends to only cause problems.
Hey Semphonee--I think my main point here is that most people are going against their true desires and instincts when they pursue a FWB--a girl may think she can get a guy to fall in love by having sex with him. A guy may desire a relationship when homegirl is just experimenting. This is immaturity to an extent but I don't think having an FWB necessarily makes one mature or not mature--it is simply a matter of what you really want from relationships and being honest about it to cut drama.
Archer--if you were really one of the GOOD guys you wouldn't be thinking o f women as simple devices to get off with...
Amen motor boater! I firmly believe that men experience emotional connections with sex, but society makes them feel as if they should be ashamed of this aspect. Not to say that it couldn't be casual, but that men can bond physiologically and emotionally as well
I have met guys who get emotionality attached but are afraid to say so ue to societal pressure. I don't know how many guys I have "counseled" who had their hearts broken by a chick who had sex with them and left.
Thank you! I have learned so much the hard way and I hope I can spare others from making the same mistakes...
If you can do that, then you have beat out 99.9 percent of the rest of the population. Bravisimo!
Best article yet. 5 stars.
Due to the fact that I am not in a position to settle down a create a home at this point in my life you would rather that I go without sex... I'm forced to distant parts of the globe for years at a time, so I arrange FWB to deal with my sexdrive and relive my needs. Is that so wrong, sure I've had the girls I get with become attached but I never have, this way It has always been safe, D&D free.
I like the way you think!...........In this world with little morality your writings always give me hope that nice people are still there living.
Of course it can work as long as both have established the rules and seperate hook ups with just hanging out as friends. Of course, friends with benefits relationships don't last forever because just like a normal relationship, you could most possibly get bored and just go back as being normal friends without the benefits.
Actually, as I understand it, women advancing into their 30s and 40s become MORE sexually aggressive than in their 20s, while at the same time men are losing testosterone production and are in decline. I know of more than a few divorcees in their 40s who are happily enjoying "friends with benefits" of various description. It can be done successfully if everyone involved understands the conditions and does not expect commitment. And it certainly is true that women can emotionally wound men.