Have you resolved libido and sexual issues in your relationship?

When we were dating, we expressed our expectations around sex. Now, things I expressed are going unmet. I know it can be very easy to judge quickly and make assumptions about either person, I'd appreciate it if you could be kind to each of us here.

The expectations that were set before we moved in were:

- Regularity: I said that my needs for sex are at least once a week, with sexual play and flirtation throughout the day to day. She agreed and even used sexual acts as a reason to move in (She played with me one morning in particular and said "If you move in, we can do this more often")

- Curiosity: I explained that because of my christian background I missed a lot of opportunities. I showed an interest in exploring the many different acts, positions, and dynamics of sex. At the time she matched my curiosity, telling me of her thoughts about three ways, pleasure parties, and role play.

Once I'd moved in, I started to notice the regularity was not what we'd 'agreed' upon. These things can fluctuate, so I waited, and kept waiting. It's been 1.5 years now. We do have sex, less than once a week. Earlier she said living together would mean more sex. Now, tiny requests lead to her feeling exhausted and reluctant. Weariness and low libido happen (even to me), my issue is in the expectations we set, and the fact that the moment I moved in, she no longer met them. I feel like a chore.

Also, her curiosity was hypothetical. The girl who wanted to try new things disappeared. What remained was a wonderful human who never feels like sex. I created a space where she could do 'bare minimum' sex, to have less stress about performing. Bare minimum means she mainly lies there, and I do the work and take care of her. But I expected more fun and play, imagination and mutual pleasure. It feels bland and one sided. But she loves the sex, I'm very attentive.

Has anyone been in this situation, and have any of you worked through these issues and built a healthy, fair, balanced sex life?

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Superb Opinion

  • That’s a bummer that expectations haven’t been met. I did have a few questions to clarify:


    - Are you having sex mostly at night or the morning?


    - does she seem more willing before or around her period?


    - how often are you planning dates and going out?


    - have you both been focused on health and been to the doctor?

    • - The timing varies. We usually aim for daytime, that is, between morning and early evening (10:00am-6:00pm). The trouble is, she struggles to enjoy sex in the morning because she feels like she has to do things on her To-Do list first. She can't enjoy herself knowing that there's either a list of things to do, or even knowing that should could be tidying up and organising. Afternoon seems like a good idea, but she will often get stuck in her To-Do list or will start doing something like tidying her cupboard, trying a new categorising system for things around the house, so by the time she's finished with that, it is now evening and she is tired. - The sex is too inconsistent to say. Sometimes I think she might be more into the idea, but she doesn't like mess so she prefers to just wait till her period is over. - Admittedly our date life is a bit repetitive at the moment. We generally order food and watch a movie together. We're very tight for money at the moment, she is exhausted from work, and I have some fatigue from some health conditions. Dates seem a little out of reach due to the requirement of time and energy/money. - I'm in the middle of a lot of doctors appointments, I may not be in good health, but I am focused on improving it. She hasn't seen a doctor in a while, I know she wants to be in better health, but I think she feels unable to do anything about it.

    • Yep all those answers are part of the reasons why the dreams in the beginning are not reality. Start with the health issues and hope she gets to the doctor. You can take a walk and do a free activity for a date. She needs intimacy and romance Regarding a mess, use a towel (I’m sure you do) and you take a leading effort in the laundry. Asked about the time as your testosterone peaks in the early morning. Try to wake up 1 hour earlier for sex

    • But I’d say overall you talk to her and remind her your need for a more sexual connection. It’s never perfect but you can work together to make it better

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Turn to christ He will take ALL impure thoughts away. If you truly love this woman for who she is then lust of the flesh shall not be an issue.
    I still struggle with lust but when I give Jesus Christ my ALL, lust really does disappear. Is this woman a Godly woman? And even if she isn't, her love is for you, and not your flesh (aka body).

    • I hear you. I don't think it's as simple as lust and flesh. My desire and love is for her, and I committed to her, ready to share the love and kindness I have to offer. What do you do when the contents of your heart are rejected. Once? That's fine. Twice? Tricky but it's ok. Over time though, two issues grow worse over time. First, your body has a certain design, and the physical effect of not engaging in sex leads to build up of sexual pressure. Secondly, the emotional pain, when you become vulnerable again and again, wanting to be close emotionally, there is build of pain and resentment. When you exhaust the "correct" choices in front of you, even if you will never choose the 'wrong' choices, all you feel is your loved one denying you release, and whilst yearning but resisting actions that would do harm but would provide you with sexual release, but also the embrace and nurturing of your bruised heart that has been neglected too long.

    • 1. Is she a Christian first off? 2. Are you? 3. Have you been together for at least 1 year? 4. Does she know your past and do you know her past? Because if this is your 3rd or more time and this is her 1st or 2nd time I'm a relationship she may not have the best understanding on what to do. 5. Tell her exactly what is bothering you, so you may both work through it. 6. Maybe she is waiting for marriage with the right guy. 7. I have never gone on an actual date, but have seen enough to know and learn some things through friends and family. I have always been single. <<JUST AN FYI.

    • That’s dumb

Most Helpful Girl

  • I never had sexual relationships in my life so I can't relate to your situation. Nor I can't help you but wish you the best.

    • Why do people comment on things they can't help with

    • She was trying to uplift the asker. Not a bad thing to be kind

    • @HateyouxD that's me and you don't have to understand it.

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • I can totally relate

    I have no idea and it's worse being married

    • Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone