Sexual Relationships 
Sexual Health 
I don't know if there's already something on this platform like this but ngl there's a scary lack of acknowledgment for sexual violence.
Sexual violence is more than just a "women's problem." Men, both gay and straight, can become victims of sexual violence. It can happen to anyone. Rape is mostly a crime that's committed against women by men and the threat of it can create mistrust and become a barrier for the formation of healthy relationships between men and women. Sexual assault affects us all, even people that aren't survivors.
I expect people to respond to this post and get angry saying that "not all men are rapists" which is so obvious!! Most men are definitely NOT rapists. It's the PEOPLE who are rapists, not just male offenders.
During sex, consent can be revoked at any time. There is never any scenario where anyone ever "owes" anyone sexual favors. People who don't come forward about sexual assault aren't "wusses", they're afraid of the rejection that they most often do face when they come forward. They're afraid of being blamed for something so vile that only their rapist can be blamed for. Sexual assault false accusations are RARE, and it's wrong to assume everyone who makes an accusation is a liar. The clothing someone wears doesn't mean they want sex and definitely doesn't mean they owe you sex.
Sexual assault isn't something to brush under the rug. It's a serious crime with incredibly harmful consequences. There is never any excuse for sexual assault.
When a friend comes to you and tells you that they've been sexually assaulted, it can be hard to know what to say or how to respond. It takes a lot of courage for a survivor to share their story with someone. Though sometimes when someone confides in us, we're stalled and don't how to help. It doesn't require an expert to support a survivor.
The DON'Ts
When a survivor trusts you enough to help and support them, it's important that you make sure to help them rather than cause harm or additional stress. To be on the safe side, here are the absolute DO NOTS for survivor support.
Pressure them into doing things. While it's great to help and support your friend, it's important that they're not pressured into doing anything they're not comfortable with. Additionally, sexual assault strips the power from a survivor and makes them feel as though they're not allowed to decide for themselves. It's important that you allow them to make the decisions for themselves so they can regain power.
Ask them "Why?" or make them share details. It's important to keep an open mind when, if they do, share their story with you. It's common for survivors to leave details out or repeat themselves; it's tough to revisit. Pressuring them into sharing additional details might make them feel like they're being forced to share quite possibly, painful, details. Asking them why will seem as though they're being blamed for what happened. Whether it be asking them why they wore what they wore or why they had a drink.
Murmur or say nothing. Not knowing what to say is completely fine; it can be shocking to know what happened to your friend. But, they need support and it could make them worry about what you think.
If you don't know what to say try something similar that offers more:
"I don't know what to say at the moment. I cannot begin to understand how you feel. But, I'm here for you and want to help you. If there's anything I can do to support you, please ask."
Some DON'T Phrases:
"I can' believe that."
"They[Perpetrator] seemed so nice, I don't believe they could do such a thing!"
"Did you try to stop them?"
"Why are you only coming forward now?"
"Why didn't you go to the police?"
The Don'ts
The Do's
So, we've covered what you shouldn't do to support a survivor but what about what you should do?
Tell them you believe them and support them. One of the biggest fears many survivors have is the fear of being rejected, blamed, or people not believing their stories. Telling your friend that you believe them and they can rely on you as an ongoing source of support will help them tremendously.
Ask what you can do to support them. When a survivor is sexually assaulted, their power is stripped from them and their right to choose is suddenly gone. Allowing your friend to decide what's next is important for not only recovery but also for allowing them to know that they have power in their own life. Additionally, allowing them to decide things at their own pace helps them be more comfortable without added stress.
DO encourage them to seek medical attention if it was recent. You shouldn't pressure your friend into getting any treatments or counseling but, you should encourage your friend to seek medical attention. ER doctors can do what's commonly called rape kits to test for physical damage, sexually transmitted diseases, and pregnancy possibilities. Additionally, if they do choose to press charges in the future, the case is typically stronger if they have physical evidence.
Keep an open mind and let them choose the pace. If a survivor does choose to share their story with you, it's important to keep an open mind and remind them that you'll support them. It's common for survivors to revisit moments while telling their story or skip around. Let them share at their own speed. There is no "perfect victim" and it's essential that you understand that many victims don't immediately recover, it takes time; some longer than others.
Be a source of support even after they begin to recover. Sexual assault can take a large psychological toll on survivors. Many of them carry trauma and some suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder(PTSD). It's important to remind a survivor that you'll be there for them even after their bruises fade. Once they begin to recover, if they're too exhausted to look into counseling, you could kindly offer to look into trauma-specialized therapists.
Take care of yourself. While it might sound odd to say that you should take care of yourself, it's very important that you do so. Taking care of a friend or even just being an additional source of support can take an emotional toll on some allies. Sometimes, it reminds caretakers of past trauma or can cause a sort of secondary trauma from helping a friend. Don't neglect yourself!
Educate Yourself. It's never the responsibility of a survivor to educate you on how you can be helpful and it'd be a good idea to know the possible impact sexual assault can have on survivors. Informing yourself on sexual assault effects can help you improve as a support beacon.
RAINN(Rape Abuse and Incest National Network) has many resources you can read and also a section on post-abuse recovery.
Understanding trauma triggers and how some survivors disassociate.
Avoidance of touching or sexual interactions. It's common for survivors to feel uncomfortable with either touch or sexual interactions. Not wanting to revisit specific actions or sex altogether.
The Joyful Heart Foundation also has many resources on the effects of sexual abuse. joyfulheartfoundation.org/learn
Knowing your Resources. It's important to know the resources you have, both locally and nationally. You can find more resources on our crisis support page.
Helpful Phrases:
"I believe you."
"What happened isn't your fault."
"The only person to blame is __(the person who did this)."
"What happened was consensual, it was abuse."
"It doesn't matter if you did or didn't ___. It's not your fault."
"Choosing to ___ doesn't mean you chose this."
"Don't feel pressured into reporting. No matter what you do, I'll be here for you. Okay?"
--
P.S. Denim Day 2022 is on April 29! If you don't know what Denim Day is, it's a campaign to raise awareness about sexual assault. denimdayinfo.org
P.P.S. I can already see the comments I'm gonna get about being a "raging feminist" or something else 🥱😒
What Girls & Guys Said
3 25Yeah, I disagree pretty much with all of these.
In one fairly traumatic incident my therapist said "this wouldn't have happened if you weren't such a push over and kept better company."
She was fucking right, so much I tried removing myself from the situation and only didn't because of peer pressure.
And then I was a pushover attention whore and it happened again, so I corrected that.
I like being warm and allowing people space, specially because I love entertaining people, so it's hard to know what kind of distance to keep, but one thing is for sure, I'm not doing body shots ever again.
That actually helps, believe it or not. Next aim is not drinking so much, and trying not to never pass out at parties, I'm too old for that.
Trauma is your brain trying it's best to teach you about something very important.
It's either unwarranted, which means you need to learn it's not a big deal if you know how to handle it, or it's a huge deal and you need to learn how to guard against it.
But I don't disagree one shouldn't push too hard, but walking on eggshells around victims only serves to isolate them.
It's sorta akin to "exposure therapy", except it's kinda the opposite, instead of being exposed to what's out, one has to deal with what's in.
I certainly didn't mean to tiptoe around the victim. I apologize if it wasn't properly worded. What I meant was that you should allow them to set the pace of their recovery without dominating their decisions. But you should treat them like your friend, not an alien.
Yeah, it's quite pointless to be paternalistic in any way. Be it being harsh or soft.
Unfortunately, now, with roe v. wade, she'll have to have the kid too, if she's assaulted, or raped
Passing yourself off as an expert on rape or sexual assault and then lecturing people on GaG is really a cheap trick at best and quite reprehensible. Being a victim or I think in your case a want to be victim does not make you an expert at anything other than annoying people.
So you work in healthcare as do I what would your advice for victims be? Actual victims I mean not people making false accusations. My advice as a registered nurse would be for them to seek medical attention and to get emergency contraception or HIV prevention if a condom hasn’t been used. I would also encourage them to get counseling as well. It would totally be up to them if they wanted to go the legal route which should be handled by one law enforcement and the court system of course.
For a topic as sensitive as sexual violence, you feel that you can freely throw around terms like "wannabe victim".
Also on top of that, I'm as you said, not a medical professional with experiencce, but you know nothing about me. I'm currently on a bs/md program and have always been passionate about topics surrounding sexual violence awareness. So sure, I'm not a trained medical professional but hoping that I soon will be. This wasn't at all intended to be a lecture (?), and rather just an awareness post.
@whirled_up_girl My advice is always "please talk to a person who is qualified to advise you - I will refer you to one of those people". I know better than to give advice about things I don't know about, and all I DO know is who in our organization IS qualified to give advice about things like rape.
Yes, I can use that term. Research has shown that attaining sympathy - ie, victim status - is often very important to people who make false accusations.
Being passionate about a topic is not the same as being an expert in it. Being in an academic program is laudable but not the same as having a degree or experience.
@ msc545 Well that is good, I agree knowing when we are out of scope of practice is important, particularly with something this important. I always encourage medical attention right away, this is within my scope because if there is medical evidence, that is important to the case if collected right away, also if HIV exposure is a risk the sooner treatment the better, same with emergency contraception for a female not on birthcontrol. In any case I agree that if someone presents to anyone as a potental victim the most important thing to have them do is go through the proper channels.
@whirled_up_girl Ok that seems more reasonable. Thank you.
To give you more context, I'm close with one of my professors and he had been willing to check this over 💀💀 And said he agreed with the points. This post has nothing to do with the procedures of how medical professionals should deal with victims. It's a piece of basic information for friends of survivors on the basic things of how to support your friend.
Good! Have your professor post that here, along with a copy of his CV, and have him use his real name. Anything less and you are deemed a liar.
Im kidding!
Dw I'd kinda assume you were 🦩But even then, you don't really have to be a medical professional to say "hey here are just a few ways to help your friend and make sure they are safe".
Ironically, there's a FRIGHTENING lack of knowledge on sexual violence towards men, as shown by OP.
"Sexual violence is more than just a "women's problem." Men, both gay and straight, can become victims of sexual violence. It can happen to anyone."
@jltakk - I guess one of the first lines was far too complex for you to comprehend, huh?
Thank you for this and doing this God bless you
I think the more serious problem is the amount of unborn babies that are murdered through abortion.
@stephen_77 - and would you rather they were put into foster care, shuffled between homes like a stray unwanted mongrel, exposed to potential physical and sexual abuse? With case workers that don't care. And neighbors afraid of saying anything... Just wondering. My father worked youth protections for 28 years. Some of what he say, reported on, and eventually blew the whistle on the federal government - suing the government even - would make you shit & piss your panties.
@APrettyLittleLady87 I'm very well aware of all the child sex rings within governments and inside the "care" system. My point was that millions of unborn are murdered every year by careless, irresponsible women and the evil doctors. Women always love to throw mud at men so I'll do the same to women.
@stephen_77 - and what of the irresponsible "men" - more like children stuck in adult bodies - who said that they would be fathers, etc. help. Is a woman supposed to raise a child alone because her boyfriend or husband turned out to be a worthless turd
@APrettyLittleLady87 Oh, so if a man leaves then that gives a woman the right to kill her unborn baby? Great logic. And besides, women can get benefits off the government. Look at how many women dump their boyfriends and become single mums and claim benefits. And then often use their children as a weapon. Women today are just self entitled spoiled brats.
@stephen_77 - not everyone is such trash that they think welfare is the only option in the world. Never mind that most welfare "parents" are not parents. They barely care for their children, they just see them as cheques on legs. I know this very well because my father was a social worker overseeing such vermin "parents" --- filthy trash that would spend their child support money on booze & drugs then come to the office begging for more. And that I worked in addictions where welfare & parents went hand in hand.
@APrettyLittleLady87 So what is your point?
@stephen_77 - if a man can't accept he is also responsible for a babe then he has no fucking rights of any say in what a woman does. If she gets an abortion or not. And why should he? He likely would've contributed nothing of value to the child's life anyway.
@APrettyLittleLady87 It has nothing to do with a man's opinion. There are plenty of women that recognize abortion is murder.
Nice my take