How do I ask my fiancée to let me stay on my own for a while?

How do I ask my fiancée to let me stay on my own for a while?
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+1 y
I'm feeling sick and tired, and I'd really like to be on my own for a while to collect my thoughts. She's been sending me loving texts all day and some were quite suggestive, I understand she wants to make up and I do as well, but I don't want to sleep with her and I'd prefer to avoid intimate contact altogether for some days. Suggestions?
+1 y
We talked in depth about this and reached an agreement. She agrees on putting sex on the side for a some days, but not on sleeping separately. She said we need to slowly work out those issues on my part and distance would only make them worse. In her opinion, we need to slowly start back from the basics to make me more comfortable. She says that the issues aren't just my own - they are of us both and we have to work them out together.
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Most Helpful Guys

  • There's a lot of "she said" here, but not a lot of "here's what I have to say about that". You're posting these questions every other day, why don't you just go for couples therapy? If she's serious about being in it as a team, then she would surely support that.

    It seems like you have some issues with intimacy and have need for space that's not being met, whereas your partner seems to assume she knows what's best for you and won't entertain any alternatives to what she sees as "right". This is bread and butter stuff for any couples therapist worth their salt. You may even consider also doing some solo work with a therapist so you can speak freely without being influenced by your S. O''s opinions or expectations. I'm curious why can't you just communicate all this stuff directly to her, and instead need to ask 50 variations of the same basic question here on GaG, expecting to get some unique answer you never heard the last 50 times?

    I'm not trying to come off like a dick, it just seems like you're looking for some amazing insight that will rationalise whatever's already happening in your own internal reality. Rather than accepting the far more simple, more obvious answer that you need to speak to someone who actually works on this shit for a living.

    Like I say, if your girlfriend is serious about helping you work through whatever's happening inside you both, then there's no reason she wouldn't support this move. The only reason she wouldn't support it is if she didn't actually WANT you to be able to communicate and set healthy boundaries off your own back. Which itself would be a huge red flag imho. But I'm neither optimist nor pessimist, I'm inclined to assume she's sincere in her feelings of care towards you. But she needs to respect your boundaries, and you need to stand by them without looking to others for validation first.

    From the way you talk, I gather you're a pretty pragmatic and rational guy, so I hope you take this merely my own rational assessment, and not as some kind of dismissal of your question. The question itself is merely symptom of the deeper issue. I leave it with you to consider whether my theory has merit.

    • You have very accurate and excellent points on everything, I must admit. I don't have many people to talk about those issues irl, so I find it more comfortable to ask here even if I recognize it's getting repetitive. I'm already going to a therapist, but since this one is always dismissing many factors, I don't think she's a good professional, so I might change therapist.

    • I can certainly understand the motivation to seek intellectual or emotional refuge in forums such as GaG; I've leaned on the platform myself to help better understand some of my own "shit to sort out". We all carry a bucket full of shit with us, from the day we're born, and we each have to... sort it... lol... not a great visual metaphor... but you get the idea :P And yeah, any therapist who dismisses your valid concerns or issues is likely in that field for all the wrong reasons. Female therapists especially are more likely to subconsciously "take sides" with the woman in any couples problems. I mean, let me play devil's advocate for a moment. Let's say you were dating a 400lb bodybuilder woman who beat your ass 4 times a day. Terrified, you go to this therapist of yours and cry out for help. But then she dismisses it as "well you probably did something to bring it on yourself". That would be a pretty shitty therapist right? Okay, extreme hypotheticals aside (I realise that analogy was not socially "appropriate" thing to say, but sometimes one has to cut through the noise to make a point)… /ctd.

    • I think you should switch to a male therapist who can better to relate to your experiences as a man, rather than just dismiss them. I've heard finding good therapists can take a period of testing out different 'experts' and seeing for yourself who will give you the attentiveness and understanding and insight you require. After all, they are service providers, and you are the customer, so you have all the power really, coz you can always take your patronage to one of their competitors. If you took your car to the shop and it came back all dinged up worse than when it went in... you would find another garage with a better reputation of fixing the type of problem your particular type of car has. You'd ask around town to see which mechanics give good service, which ones are personable and professional and trustworthy. People think therapists are beyond judgement, but they're not clairvoyants, they exist to do a job, and if they don't do that job right, then the customer can leave any damn time and look elsewhere. Just get the job done right, even if you have to cycle through a few different therapists to get the right match. I imagine you'll know in your gut when you find the right one.

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  • There's no easy way to do that, or good one for that matter. Generally you get closer in a relationship. Getting farther apart... sometimes you can't undo that. Just be aware of that going into your decisions.

Most Helpful Girls

  • I am trying to make heads or tails of this and I get what you are saying. But no woman with whom you have been in an intimate relationship will is not going to understand that you are not wanting sex because you don't feel up to it. You are going to through this probably very clingy woman into a tailspin. She's going to be thinking is it something that she's done to make you take this vow of celibacy. I cannot help but to think that the issue is more with you and if it truly is you need to come right out and express that.

  • Be honest with her. By text.

    I’m gonna PM you.

    • Update: she's totally right. I may have judged her too harshly. I just get upset and worried when people say certain things.

    • Thanks 😊

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What Girls & Guys Said

4 10
  • You should probably seek counseling.

    Like does any of this seem... I don't know... like you’ve experienced this before... somehow?

    • No, she doesn't hit or insult me like my ex did.

    • I’m not placing blame on anyone.

  • go stay at ur parents house or ur best guy friends place. seems like a pre marriage jitters of questioning if ull miss her after no sex at all for a bit. sex isn't everything

    • She won't let me move out. I just want to sleep in separate beds and not have sex.

    • ur not moving silly, ur just taking a vacation till u get ur thoughts in a row :)

    • I understand, but I don't have any other place to go. My parents are separated and I don't talk with them, all my friends are women so I can't stay at their place.

    • Show All
  • How do you mean? Like she is with you all the time and you want some time without her?

    • No, I want to sleep separately and not have sex for a while.

    • In that case, just tell her you aren't in the mood, she can't go against that really.

    • I want to stop having sex with her, not just tonight but for some days or weeks.

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  • Better tell her in person and soften it by telling her you love her.

  • Break up with her entirely. If you do that. never look back.

    • I don't mean to break up and she'd never let me do that.

    • Let?

    • She believes in our relationship and so do I, she doesn't want any distance

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  • She's right. So you don't.

  • Just tell her but first write it down on paper this will give you certain degree of articulation. But don't tell this to her on text or call. Tell her by meeting her in person she'll understand believe me.

  • Hmmm... Q4 on this. DUDE!!!

    The bottom line is if you can't make it work together, you'll NEVER make it work apart.
    Consider it's just not a match. If you're reaching a point where the relationship is so toxic you can't stand to be near it, the writing is on the wall. Only YOU can know where this thing sits.

    Cutting and running WILL NOT FIX IT! I guarantee it.

  • straight out honesty is the best way to go, tell him why you want this change in lifestyle

  • Why on Earth would you want less sex?

    • Because I'm not up to it, because I have anxiety and don't enjoy it

    • Performance anxiety?

    • Somewhat, I have big difficulties enjoying it and have this irrational feeling something bad will happen if I don't satisfy her.

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  • Talk to her. She seems reasonable.

  • Just tell her straight up. It isn't that hard to speak up.

  • You say "i want my balls back, please"

  • I would just be straight up honest with her about the way you are feeling and maybe look into some counselling if you are able too