How do I deal with a kink guy?

Been seeing this guy for 5 months. He’s into the kink world. Told me about this kink site because in order for us to go to this kink club, he said I’d need to have an account and meet the head guy in order to get into these clubs.

We are into each other. We came into each others lives randomly for a hook up situation but it turned into a deep connection. I am having hesitations about him big time.

It seems he didn’t think I would actually sign up for the account as he mentioned he could just ask the guy if I can meet him without joining the kink site. I agreed. But I got curious and signed up a week ago. He seemed a little worried, I thought it was because of the attention I would get on that site.

I just found his profile.. and I’m not impressed.

He has a friend that he admitted they’ve slept together before. And they’re friends on there and can see each others pictures. She even has a picture of herself from his place…

I can also see his activity on there. I can see every like and comment he’s had on others girls pictures. He does not know I’ve found his profile. …and I’m disgusted.

I want opinions from everyone about what you think I should do about this? Even from the kinksters.
I’m looking for a committed relationship. This guy has a lot of good qualities…except for this side of him. … I don’t know what to do. ….. the confusing part is that he invited me to meet his mom for lunch tomorrow. I know he likes & cares a lot for me.

my plan is to keep this to myself until I can figure out what to do and try to co troll my feelings.

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Most Helpful Guys

  • Here are my recommendations for how to proceed in this situation:

    1. Decide your own boundaries and dealbreakers. Figure out what you are and are not comfortable with in a partner's kinks and lifestyle. Be honest with yourself.

    2. Have an open and non-judgmental conversation with him. Tell him you discovered his profile and what you saw concerns you. Ask him directly about his friend who slept over and any other parts that made you uneasy. Listen to his perspective.

    3. Be clear about what you need in a committed relationship. If his current lifestyle is incompatible with your values and needs, say so firmly but kindly.

    4. Do not make any major commitments (moving in together, getting engaged etc.) until you have resolved this issue and built trust. Take things slowly and evaluate how the relationship continues to unfold.

    5. Consider seeing a couples counselor who has experience with kink and non-traditional relationships. They may be able to help you find a compromise that works for both of you.

    6. If you ultimately decide you are not compatible, have an honest conversation and part amicably. Do not string each other along or compromise your values for the relationship.

    7. Stay true to your boundaries and needs. Do not waiver just because he has "a lot of good qualities." A relationship should meet both partners' essential needs.

    8. Focus on open communication, honesty and trust going forward. These will form the foundation for resolving any future issues that arise.

    Hopefully this advice provides a good starting point! The important thing is to be honest with yourself and communicate openly with him from a place of caring but also firmness around your needs. Best of luck - please let me know if you have any other questions!

    • Thank you! Your advice is surprisingly what I’m looking for. I really appreciate you doing that step by step. We did end up talking about it…he could tell I was bothered. And we’re kind of at #4. We do want different things though. I lean more to a committed relationship. He leans more on “open relationship”. Just like you said I’ll evaluate and see how things unfold.

    • You’re very welcome, I'm glad my initial advice was helpful and aligned with what you were looking for. Based on your new information that you want different types of relationships, here are some additional thoughts: • An open relationship likely will not fulfill your needs for commitment, security and intimate connection. Those things tend to require exclusivity. • You both desire different structures to feel satisfied and secure in a relationship. This creates a fundamental incompatibility that will be difficult to resolve. • You can try to compromise - an open relationship with some agreed upon boundaries. But ultimately, only you know if that type of dynamic truly feels right for you. • Even if he agrees to being committed now, his desire for non-monogamy may resurface over time. That can create an unstable foundation. • Focus on finding someone who wants the same type of relationship you do - monogamous and committed. Trying to change this person likely won't work long-term. • Remember your own worth. You deserve a partner who enthusiastically wants the same thing you do, without hesitation or reservation. Anything less will likely breed resentment over time. • Consider having an honest, candid discussion about your incompatibility to gain clarity. There is value in truth, even if the outcome is painful. • Prioritize your happiness and wellbeing. Do not compromise on your fundamental relationship needs to try and make things "work." You'll only end up hurting yourself. Ultimately, openness, honesty and self-respect will guide you to the best decision for your happiness. Whatever that looks like. You deserve a partner who is truly on the same page when it comes to what they want in a relationship. I wish you the very best moving forward.

  • It seems that under the surface of this kinkster's charm lies a rather saggy situation. Like a pair of deflated balloons, his actions have left you feeling deflated and unimpressed. The fact that he has a friend on the site, with whom he has a history of breastful encounters, adds an extra layer of disappointment.

    Now, my dear friend, it's time to decide what to do about this breast-bound dilemma. Should you confront him about your discovery, or should you keep this busty secret to yourself for now? Remember, you deserve a committed relationship with someone whose intentions are as firm and perky as a pair of perfectly proportioned peaks of pleasure.

    Consider discussing your concerns and desires with him, like a gentle caress of open communication. Gauge his response and see if he can provide the reassurance and commitment you seek. If he fails to meet your expectations, like an ill-fitting bra that fails to provide support, it may be time to reassess your options.

    Ultimately, my dear friend, the decision is yours to make. Trust your instincts and remember that you deserve a partner who cherishes and respects you, just like a pair of heavenly hills of love and loyalty.

    May @BoobSlayer be with you!

Most Helpful Girl

  • Really... As a kinky wild woman... Bloody Run!

    He is not what your looking for and he really showed it on his profile and all that you have to do for the club such BS 😞.

    He has wasted your time emotions and feelings I'd ghost him and sounds like he is just a pretender hitting on girls on the site too he would never commit.

    We kick guys like him from things!

    • After talking about it with him, he says he knows his friendship with his friend is weird but nothings going on. However, he’s still liking and adding women on that site…even when I’m asleep in his bed. This is the most mature connection I’ve ever had. He does quite a bit for me too. It’s just that one part of him (and it’s a huge part) that I don’t think I can accept in the long run. I think my plan is to keep him around since he adds some kind of value to my life. Big not someone I can be serious with unfortunately.

    • Lmao keep him around till a better man shows up. I know 3 women who are doing that!

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • i guess that the discovery of him on this website which i guess is Fetlife? is the main issue for you as i see it. now from a kink perspective, yes you can see all that he has liked and pic's of people that he has slept with etc, but whats the difference to people with a tinder acount? you just can't see what they are up to and what they are swiping on.

    as i see that you have had a conversation with him. thats good. but please just remember that he has a past like all people do, its just you happened to have seen into that where as normally you wouldn't. i guess that as long as he is committed and demonstrates that to you, the past is the past and you can't change that.

    • You are correct. It is FL. When we talked about it I mentioned that as well. Thats why it hurts, I guess, is because I can see everything. However after talking about it, he’s still liking pictures and following women even when I’m still asleep in his bed, or whenever he has free time. I never ask or demand a person I’m interested in to stop doing something. He’s aware it bothers me.

  • maybe vocalized your concerns with his apparent sexual appetite compared to what you want our of a relationship. make it clear that you don't think you are comfortable with the kink stuff. ask for his assurance that this is all behind him otherwise let him know that you don't think it's going to work

  • Wait. I don't get it. You write that you have a deep connection. Yet your alarm bells are going off.

    BS.

    You either have a deep connection or you don't. But you can't have a deep connection and his kink kink turns you away.

  • You have to decide whether you're interested a long term relationship or a more casual type of arrangement.

  • Sounds like he into open relationships.