How do I get my boyfriend comfortable enough to have sex with me when he has anxiety about it?

[Anonymous]

I’ll preface this by saying that we’ve only been together for ~a week, but we have been friends for almost a year. I’ve had a huge crush on him for a long time and I’m so happy to be with him and to just be around him. He makes me feel safe and comfortable and I see myself always being with him.

I had a really bad previous relationship, and the summary is that it was so bad that I stopped dating and having sex for years afterward, and I didn’t think I was ever gonna date again until I met my current boyfriend. I did sleep around a lot when I was younger, and my current boyfriend is aware of this.

My boyfriend, on the other hand, has only had a handful of sexual partners and is self conscious about it. Apparently, in his few previous sexual experiences, he wasn’t able to last and the sex wasn’t that great.

I really don’t care how long he wants to wait to have sex. I just want to be with him. I enjoy my time around him so much, and I’m happy to just fall asleep in his arms and spend our days hanging out. Of course I want to have sex with him and feel that intimate closeness and connection to him, but I don’t need to any time soon. He, on the other hand, very much wants to have sex. He’s initiated twice and both times backed out because his anxiety got the best of him.

I’ve told him I really don’t care how bad it is. As long as the sex is with him, of course I’ll like it. And I’m willing to wait however long he needs. And that I’m willing to give him tons of blowjobs to help him last longer if that’s his issue. I told him I just want to be with him. But he’s told me he very much wants to have sex with me, his anxiety just gets in the way.

So, I need advice. I don’t want him to get so far in his head about it that he breaks up with me because he can’t have sex with me. I just want to make him as happy as he makes me. What can I do to make him more comfortable and ease his anxiety surrounding sex?

[PositiveFlight]

I think you need to communicate to him in a very easy going away that there is no pressure for him to perform or when.

I’ve said it many times on here and I’ll say it again. The brain is the largest sex organ in the body. Until a man or a woman can let go of everything else going on around, free the mind, relax, and let go of all anxieties and other thoughts, sex is not going to be enjoyable nor will there be climax.

You would do better right now to show him that it is him who really matters. To show him that you truly love him for who he is and that nothing else matters nor will it get in the way of your love. As he learns to trust that you truly love him and that there is absolutely no pressure on him, he will start to have stronger desires for those needs to be met.

When the time is right, things can be wonderful between the two of you. It’s important to note that both of you have a past. You should let your past go and he should let his go. We can either learn from the past to make a better future or it can continue to be a stumbling block to inhibit from an otherwise good future. You both have each other now, don’t waste a day not enjoying true love and eventual connecting and loving sex together. Seize the moment and enjoy life the way it’s meant to be

[Alex-Snow]

You are going to have to ease into it and slowly build his confidence. I think the key is to be open and honest and communicate. It is ok to talk about sex after all. You have a good plan... maybe just start out with a lot of handjobs then maybe bjs and then sex. How old is he?

[Asker]

We’re both in our mid/late 20s

[Alex-Snow]

I hope it works for you. Does he give you some orgasms with fingering or oral?

[Asker]

Haven’t even gotten that far yet, but he’s a great kisser. This is so foreign to me tbh bc I’ve only ever had the one relationship and multiple fwbs. I’m so used to sex being the first thing so this whole experience has been one for learning to me!

[Alex-Snow]

He is lucky to have you... has he gotten naked with you yet?

[Anonymous]

Best advice is to wait and do small things together! Tease snuggle and love each other!

Sex does not make a relationship work does and yes it is a lot of work!

Be patient and probably even masturbate together before let him watch you and you watch him!

If he cums fast the love on him! Give him tricks to last longer latter! You were both hurt and he has accepted your hurt give him time and accept his hurt sexually!

He needs to build trust sexually!

Congrats on getting together! My hubby and I were friends after break ups too!

[BoopBoopBeep]

Sounds like he needs a lot of therapy.

[tfan1]

Hug him, kiss him passionately, look in his eyes and nod suggestingly - then the sky’s the limit 🙂

[DextroShade]

Find yourself a real man who is not too much of a little bitch to have sex with a woman.