How do I just…. “Get over it”?

[GeekyGirl16]

My husband and I went to our marriage therapist the other day and in the middle of the appointment my husband said that his individual therapist told him that I should just “get the f*k over my trauma.” The trauma referred to was being r*ped at the age of four, no one believing me until last year when the guy was arrested and jailed for doing it to two other preschool girls who have now come forward. It’s made me… a bit hesitant with sex in addition to already having pain everytime we have tried and now I can’t help but disassociate during it and wait to get it over with…

When I heard those words come out of my husbands mouth… I froze completely… I couldn’t move or do anything… the therapist was taken aback, and my husband kinda tried to explain it away saying that it was before we were seeking therapy and whatnot…. But it just echoes through my brain… I couldn’t stop letting silent tears flow down my face for the rest of the appointment and the therapist had said that trauma isn’t something you just “get over.” But… idk…. I don’t know how to feel or move forward… I can’t even get over hearing my husband say those words aloud… it hurts everytime I remember it… what should I do?

[TheSpaceGnome]

Your husband and his therapist are right, you do have to get over it.

While what happened to you cannot be undone, you cannot place your fear or trauma from it onto sexual experiences that you have with your husband.

Otherwise you are essentially treating your husband like he's a rapist, and thats very unfair to him.

One man hurting you should not have you terrified of other men, especially not the one you married. Your stereotyping of men out of fear is going to ruin your marriage if you don't get over it and move on.

[ProbablyClueless]

You generally shouldn't be married to someone who doesn't have the empathy, respect and compassion required to let you work through things in your own process. On the other side of that coin, as someone who was also raped at a young age and made to feel like a piece of shit for it myself, until I was able to grow passed it in my mid twenties; there DOES come a certain point in life when you're making a choice to let childhood traumas inform your behavior as an adult.

[GeekyGirl16]

I guess I kinda ignored it until I moved out of my parents house and so I didn’t have a chance to work through it and now I’m trying to work through it… I just… I don't know.. I’m kinda feeling like I might never want to have sex and should have an open relationship so he can go have those needs met and I can just… live? Idk…. Anywho… thank you for your reply!

[ProbablyClueless]

I wouldn't recommend handling things that way, but your choice is your choice. You have to be proactive in however you choose to handle the situation though; that is what I know for sure.

[Anonymous]

I'd be divorcing him. I would also be finding out who that therapist is and leaving a bad review to warn others to not go to see them before making a formal complaint

[Anonymous]

Really get a recording and sue that therapist!

What they said you can sue them over and add mental aguash charges also!

What made you wanna date that man?

[GeekyGirl16]

He’s… a good man, just.. doesn’t watch his words well….

[Opinion Owner]

Does he show his love? Snuggles romantic dates and flowers?

[Opinion Owner]

What about toys for him so you don't have to go through physical trans and black it out?

[GeekyGirl16]

He tries—we’ve been working so much we don’t have a lot of time these days.

[GeekyGirl16]

He does have one I got him and he often goes into the bedroom to… play games and whatnot… just… I know it’s not fair to make him do that for a long time…

[Opinion Owner]

Is there anything you like? Massages or anything? My sister was raped she has sever struggles with her boyfriend well ex...

[DiegoO]

Sexual abuse is never something easy to deal with, no matter the age. Your husband reaction was terrible, considering the stigma you gotta face, day by day; beside the deep scar of being deprived of your childhood.

"Get the fuck over your trauma" is not something you say to someone you care about, but I need to know. What was the reason of going to marriage therapy? I mean, the specific reason.

You can PM if you like.

[GeekyGirl16]

We’ve been going to just kind of work on general communication and growth in our relationship… it’s nothing big or anything, just general stuff… and he technically was saying that that is what his individual therapist told him about me…. Idk…

[DiegoO]

Yeah, some therapist just don't fit for the job. Like bad doctors. I also think a therapist wouldn't just say that. Anyway, I think he needs to be honest with you. Does he really wants to be part of your healing process? That's the question. Your experience is not the problem in the relationship. The problem comes from how you both are dealing with that trauma as a couple. It has everything to do with how both are processing it. Also: an open relationship is just a gateway to a broken relation. I don't advice you to go that way. As to you not wanting to have sex at all. It brings me memories of a previous relation I had. LD, but, well, I wonder sometimes if she had a childhood trauma—its something I didn't dig for, because, it could have trigger nothing good in her, like certain memories, events or so. My point: seek for therapy, but ALWAYS go to a psychologist first, who should determine if you need a psychiatrist or not.

[DiegoO]

Can I PM you?

[AydenHazor]

You don't just get over it! If he truly cares about you he's going to want to support you through it and not push you to get over it or to have sex anyway. You deserve better than that.

[smahala1991]

You need out of that marriage immediately

[GeekyGirl16]

Technically… he did nothing wrong… he just brought up what his therapist said

[smahala1991]

It's just not easy to get over anything

[GeekyGirl16]

True… true that….