How do I know? What can I do?

[tass5636]

I have been trying to find a way to get my wife to be more open about sex things. Anything outside of normal sex seems to be out of the question. I have tried talking with her about it and it just seems awkward. I can never tell if she's being honest, or just won't tell me, and I'm leaning towards the latter. She's been with a lot more guys than I have women (only her and one other) but seems to not know what she wants? It seems weird to me. I finally got the courage to tell her I wanted to explore some kinks and such and finally got her to wear a strap on. I really enjoy it, but she seems to not and I have tried asking what we can do to make it better or what else she would like to do. all I got is I don't know and when she decides to try again I feel awkward and don't want to. I never get a decent answer on anything from her. What can I do or how can I "make" her be honest?

[SueShe]

It seems that you are not communicating properly.

Like in many relations, sex is the catalyst that causes frictions because either the one or the other places so much importance on that sporting activity. Remember that the one with the weirdest, kinkiest or most deviant fantasies has always to adapt to the one that does not have such kinks.

I would suggest that you write down on a list how you see your sexual life and what kind of kinks you would want to practice. Ask your wife to do a similar list, independently from yours.

Then you sit together and go over both lists. The single points that both of you agree on will be the ones that you can practice. The others are just simply taboo.

It is wrong to try to put pressure on the other to attempt to do what the partner would like to practice.

[tass5636]

I have tried, and honestly it doesn't seem like she does. That's what's so hard about it. I love her and don't want to lose her. I have never once tried to put pressure on her for anything, I'm not that type of person. Like I said though, I just don't get any answers from her, it doesn't seem like she cares about it. She gets off way more than I do when we have sex, and I enjoy that. But I think it's been hurting her for me not to get off... it's not that I'm not attracted or anything, I just have good stamina

[SueShe]

Perhaps you should look into getting couple counseling. You know your wife better than anyone else. Could she have been traumatized in an earlier relation?

[tass5636]

I have thought about that (counseling), but outside of this we have a very good relationship. We have improved our communication and we work really well together on everything we do. We make an awesome team if I'm being honest. I just don't want to mention anything to make her think otherwise

[WhatTheHeckkkk]

You can’t “make” anyone be honest. What if she simply doesn’t know? Maybe you just have to be patient. Talking about and doing new kinks is oftentimes scary and awkward, it takes time to open up to it.

[tass5636]

That's why I put it in quotes. And I understand it's scary for sure which is why I opened up first and told her I wanted to be her bottom. It's been probably 6 to 7 years since that day and she hasn't once tried to do anything different

[tass5636]

Oh yeah by the way. I love her to death and we've been married for 9 years now

[WhatTheHeckkkk]

I would talk to her about it again. Ask her again if she wants to try anything. If there isn’t anything, then I don’t know what else you two can do because it’s impossible to really “make” someone do something they don’t want to do, ya know?

[tass5636]

Yeah, I completely understand. That's why I'm asking what I can do. And it's hard for me to bring it up to her because I just have this feeling she will have negative thoughts about herself and such.

[Anonymous]

I think sex kinks is something you need to talk about before marrige so that way you know if you and your partner are going to have sex problems.