How do you fix your self esteem?

[Anonymous]

Hello! I haven't been dating for a while and I'm getting a lot insecure with guys, never had long-term relationship or a partner only multiple one night stands. Recently I met a guy with whom things seem to be going pretty well. Due to covid, we can't meet but exchange pictures and videos. So he asked me to send him dirty ones giving b* to dildo. I sent him a video but my insecurities are coming up that it's not good and he won't enjoy it. I feel miserable and think that he will break up with me if he doesn't like the way I do it. I'm ashamed cause I feel like I suck (lots of bad experiences with guys that sex wasn't good or were aggressive or finished too soon which left me traumatized like I'm blocking myself). A friend of mine told me that my negativity is exhausting them and that I see nothing positive about myself so I reflect bad energy. How do I work on this? Don't want to lose another relationship because I already decided the guy doesn't like me so either I pushed too hard to make it work which only makes them run away or I withdraw completely and pretend like I'm not interested if I felt like I couldn't please him. Every time I give stg from myself I feel like it's being ridiculed, guys are cruel and will do stg to push them away.

[Teamawkward]

It's hard but the key is to be consistent. I used to be like you, but after about a year of working on myself, I'm at a much better place.

First, you need to find comfort in yourself. Lose the judgment. Stop putting your thoughts and feelings in boxes, and instead start observing them with an open mind. Let's say you're going about your day, and suddenly the thought pops up: "I'm such an embarrassment". Don't let the thought spiral into more. Instead, just observe it, accept it's there, and then let it be followed by something comforting. For example: "Sometimes I do embarrassing things and that's okay. Everyone is embarrassing." ALWAYS comfort yourself when you feel that you're falling into negative thinking. After a while, you can start "forcing" positive thoughts into your day. Just start slow and don't try to silence your negative inner voice completely, since that might leave you feeling exhausted and make you give up on the whole thing.

Once you have learned to feel safe and accepting of yourself and your thoughts, letting other people into your life will be easier. Sure, there will always be the risk of getting hurt, but you won't fear it the same way when you know that you will always have yourself there to hold you if it all goes wrong.

Pro tip: Start listening to positive affirmations at night. There are videos on youtube and also sounds on Spotify you can play while sleeping. Start listening to those spreading self-love and after a while, it will feel way easier to stay positive about yourself.
Pro tip 2: Download the app Headspace and do courses about acceptance. Meditating in itself is a very effective way of getting to know yourself and stop self-judgment

[genericname85]

self esteem is generally created by setting yourself goals that you can achieve and then achieving.

how do you do that? by defining the smallest things as success. that's not being pathetic. many small successes build big success. so for example: make it your goal to "talk to a guy". after you achieved that goal, you keep doing that but set your next minor goal. like meet a guy. and you move up from there. that's how you know what you can do and that's what self esteem results from.

[Asker]

I almost always did that, used to be way more sociable had a lot of friends and sexual partners. Since I started working I've been dating less and less, job consumes most of my energy and time, now thar I'm back on the dating game I had lots of disappointments and failed encounters, I started gradually closing off and bombarding myself with negative thoughts about my sexual energy, skills and self worth. I'm at the very bottom and can't seem to get it up. It's like self fulfilling prophecy every time I date someone new

[genericname85]

ah i see. looks like you do struggle with setting your baseline value as a human being in general and not so much your self esteem with dating in particular. does that sound right to you?

[genericname85]

or is there an area of your life in which you'd say you're confident.

[Asker]

Yes it does. I'd say professionally I excel but dating and socializing is not the same as being at workplace. I work a lot with data and analysis kind of isolating environment. Most people feel threatened by me, find me socially weird and obsessed with money and success which is contradictory cause at work I feel super confident and once I'm out and have to be myself I come across as a scary little girl.

[genericname85]

why is it that you conclude most people feel threattened by you? do you face lots of professional competition that you have to be ahead of by means of being a scary person to them?

[Asker]

I felt this especially with men. Starting to compete with me who is more successful and smarter. I happen to date a series of men who preferred to downgrade me to feel good about themselves and I let it happen cause I didn't want to feel alone. They couldn't understand why I occupy my brain and work too much and started making me feel about it. One guy told me it's "not sexy not letting your feminine energy out". Now for the first time I met a man who is not so eager about success but understand my desire to work hard, but I get all worked up in myself that it's not going to work out cause he will also eventually feel threatened and not enjoy that I'm not having much feminine energy or whatever that is called. We are communicating around sex and he is giving me tips to improve but makes me feel embarrassed to the point I don't get how this guy is attracted to me, just guessing with myself how long will it lasts until he also bails out

[genericname85]

man you're giving me a lot of information. i'm not sure where to begin. let's try this first: so the mechanisms you must have adopted to defend yourself from guys that want to put you beneath them professionally and romantically, may have ended up deterring guys that you actually would like in your life. do you think that could be true?

[Asker]

Yes indeed, like a pattern of guys I attract and I also find attractive

[genericname85]

so you do attract people that you also find attractive? that doesn't sound too bad.

[Asker]

Yeah but it's not in my best interests

[genericname85]

in what sense?

[Anonymous]

Be yourself and don't do things you are uncomfortable with. It's a recipe for disaster if you pretend to be something you are not. A guy that's into you will love you just as your are. You may benefit from discussing your feelings about yourself with your doctor.

[Jahizamy]

First mistake you're making is basing the relationship on sex.

If you keep basing your relationships on sex you're going to run into guys that will only use you for that and nothing more.

[Asker]

You are so right#