How I am divided

[Jjpayne]

On girls ask guys it is my place to fully explore who I am. To explore what I experience and feel and seeing If people feel the same.

In my life I don't have many people that will allow me to explore choice outside of my faith. It is like in order to find myself I have to go into a closet to hide to fully understand what I truly feel.

It's super frustrating because there are some gaggers all over the spectrum. Some say of course I get where you are coming from, others say I don't agree but I understand while others say dude... that's going a little too far. I like to think that girls ask guys is a way to approach taboo topics but not every gagger feels that way. Aside from all this, girls ask guys is really my only outlet for sex right now. Considering I've never experienced it yet and it helps to be able to discuss the topic with other adults that do. It is has been quite a journey for me in my life and certain things have swayed me into different ways of thought.

It is the better man that waits for the right time then experiments at the wrong time. And that felt like has given me patience but has also kinda wrecked me because I'm kind of an emotional mess. I want to fully experience my sexuality but I have a plug not allowing me to do that. I feel like by waiting it makes me a better person but it really makes it hard to fully live my life as a man not being validated by a woman. To feel that by a woman that I am not just saying that you are a man but I am showing you that you are. I feel like sex is part of someone trusting you and wanting to be with you. It's a normal form of intimate life that I have never experienced yet. I am being honorable or am I emotionally harming myself?

Part of me clearly wants to do the right thing. To struggle with myself to condition myself to help others. To be the best person that I can be for this world. When people look back on my life what do I want them to say. I certainly would not want to hear well he was a nice creep/pervert. I know I have desires and I am trying to understand them but I don't want to be labeled for expressing them. To say that, the only real way is if I am thinking something taboo just don't say it and keep inside. I want to feel like I can try to understand the various parts of myself.

Like my love for pop culture

My love for fashion.

and helping people.

But I can't deny that sexuality is not a part of me. Because it is. I experience it every day. Parts me wish I could turn it off until I find the right person but I can't. Its also all around us on the internet and entertainment. I can't avoid so I caught having to process it and what that means to me in my life. Another thing that is incredibly hard is others acknowledging my age. What is a 36 year old doing with a kid in their early 20s. and at the time in my 20s I felt like I was on a crusade for righteousness now it feels like I missed the boat and I can't go back but enjoy the endless source of criticism telling me I can't associate with others outside of my age group. I honestly feel like my life has been held back since I was 12 years old of people telling me what I can't do and the journey has never stopped up to now. Waiting faithfully and patiently for the right timing that never happens year after year. I can only blame myself for not being as nearly proactive as I should but I've had so many people tell me how to live my life that I never really lived it for myself.

I feel like I have done this type of mytake about 5 times.... but I am just trying to find who I am and where I fit in. Not by other peoples ideas but by my own. Its so hard in my life to figure out where that is.... Starting in march I will be doing a fast with my church and taking a break from gag for a little over a month. I hope I can use it to gain a better focus and understanding of where I am now and the steps that I need to take in my future life.

[Anonymous]

Hi Jipayne. This is very long and my answer might not be acceptable by other readers.

It is really good that you are asking these questions. And it is good that you are struggling with them. I am going through the same dilemma right now. Back in the day, I have explored my sesuality and I can really say that I am very much successful. But you know what peril I am facing now that I chose to follow the right path of waiting? It became harder for me to abstain from my lustful cravings. I may have not slept with anyone since 2016 but I did other "safe" alternatives of satisfying myself which I am really not proud of.

And so because of my rebeliousness, I really feel empty right now. Actually, I am more emotionally messed up now than before.

Now I know more than ever why God forbids some things. It is because it is meant to protect us from harm. Not just to make us righteous and honorable. But ultimately, it exists to protect us from harm.

Sex in itself is not bad. God is actually the one who designed it but in the confines of marriage. I know the voice of the world is louder than our own convictions. But let me remind you of what Paul wrote to the Romans before: "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." (Romans 12:2 ESV)

I understand that the cravings of the flesh are everywhere. But God's grace is sufficient for us and His power is made perfect in weakness.

So please don't be torn or divided. You know deep in your heart what you want to follow. I can relate that it is super hard. But It doesn't mean that it is impossible.

We can do it.

As for the waiting for that someone, others answered that you should not just wait. It's true, know them, court them and pray for them. You are a man. The waiting game is actually a woman's ball game. But nevertheless, we should ask ourselves first: what am I doing while waiting? How are we waiting?

I think it is good to delight ourselves in God during this season of being single. Personally, I feel like I owe him my love first before expanding it to someone else because He loved us first by giving us salvation through Christ Jesus.

So you are right with your solution. Pray and fast. It will enable us to really seek God and get our hearts right before Him. I will do the same. I am planning to do it for 5 days this month.

You know this is my first time answering here on this app. I think God really lead me to your question so I can be corrected too! hehe

God bless you!

Let us fight the good fight of faith brother!

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Wanting to explore your sexuality is not wrong.
Waiting to have sex is not wrong.
What is wrong is if you let others beliefs and their beliefs of what you should do become more important than yours. No matter what you do someone , somewhere is going to have something to say. The point is care more about what you feel about yourself then people that don't have that right. You are a good person. Don't let haters keep you from being the real you. I will miss you on GaG.
😥 But, always know if you need an ear , well I got two tee hee 🤗

[kymberz]

oh thank heaven - a voice of reason! thank you for this!

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

@kymberz Back at you. Takes a voice of reason to recognize another🤗

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

@Jjpayne thanks for mho😊🤗

[Jjpayne]

No thank you! This was very helpful. I appreciate your help and support

[Lliam]

I respect your desire to be a good person and do the right thing, Jj. Don't ever compromise that ideal. But the way I look at relationships is, you can't wait for the "perfect" girl to come along. You can never know if she is the perfect girl unless you have a relationship with her for a while. That would include sex.
I think of someone like Thomas Edison. He would embark on an idea for an invention and fail repeatedly until he finally figured it out.
You don't have to commit to a life-long relationship with someone just because you have sex with them. The honorable thing to do is to enter the relationship with the intent of a life-long relationship, but know that it might not work out. Give it your all, but if it winds up not being what you want, be willing to walk away and start over. That doesn't make you a bad person. As you do that, you gain experience and knowledge. You also get to enjoy the wonder of sex with a real live girl.
As you continue to try, try and try again, you'll eventually find the woman who you know you want to spend your life with. You'll do that because, with all your experience and knowledge, you'll be able to recognize what you want in a partner. And it may not be what you thought you wanted when you were still waiting for the perfect woman.

[Ianto]

It is obvious you care profoundly about your faith and "honour" (in the sense of right behaviour). Is it possible that you let that intensity override common sense?
Please permit me to waffle a little here:
On area where I find Islam incomprehensible is the emphasis on covering female bodies. My viewpoint being that it cannot be right for man to conceal the beauty that god has created.
I see your position as similar - you are trying to follow a specific, man made interpretation of god's rules. But look at the evidence; God made women beautiful and sex fun. Why fight against the bounty he has provided? Embrace the joy! Revel in his beneficence!

[Ianto]

Thanks for the MHO.

[Jjpayne]

Thank you for the meaningful reply. It meant a lot

[AmandaYVR]

Dear Jj,
I feel for you. You are definitely struggling, trying to find your way. I like you and respect you, partly for that, and partly just for who you are.
I usually stay away from the topic of religion, but I clicked on your account to see what you’ve been up to lately, and I came across this post. This is really not my area [of expertise or whatever], and though I’ve had many good friends who have been very spiritual and/or religious and I have spoken with all of them about it, I tend to not give advice in this area because I have been a devout atheist all my life, and let’s face it, beliefs are beliefs.
But... I really did like what @Lliam and @sydneysentinel and @lanto said here. I wholeheartedly agree with them, and they are better at this than I. Though I just want to say one thing - Being a virgin at your age is not easy. I have another friend in the same situation, and I know the difficulty and frustration it causes. Only you can reconcile the expectations of the church, with your own actions. Clearly, there are many people like us who live differently, and we all believe we are not heathens. We live normal and moral lives, as best we can. We all make mistakes from time to time, but that’s being human, isn’t it?
You are not a man who is after just sex. You probably feel very conflicted about these feelings, but to desire to feel good, and share that with another, should never be seen as selfish or wrong, imho. It is clear from everything that you write, that you want more - companionship, friendship, appreciation... I could go on and on. But suffice to say, by abstaining (not just from sex, but from relationships) you are giving up so much. I presume you are open to finding someone, but haven’t yet. I know these things don’t just happen when you want them to.

[AmandaYVR]

Why don’t you think about the emotional aspects that you are missing out on. I know you are thinking about that, and I’m affirming that perhaps therein lies the answer. Talking about virginity and the church is really too much for me to get into. But from a secular POV, it is very possible to make (... sorry) too big a deal of it. It is a milestone of life, and I would never encourage anyone to rush it before they’re emotionally ready, but there does seem to come a point where it becomes an albatross, a burden or a weight, not just a right of passage. The longer you wait, the more stress and uncertainty will likely build up, and you’ll also have a hard time finding someone in the same boat because most people aren’t going to advertise that fact. Then there will be performance anxiety issues and doubts. “Will I be good enough, will I measure up to those of her past?” The internet has made information so readily available which in many ways is a good thing, but having too much theoretical knowledge without the practical experience can be a bit of a detriment, I believe. Easy to psych oneself out. But keep this in mind, two people don’t have to know anything about sex, not one thing, for it to happen. It’s natural and it just happens. It can be ok with many different people, but it can only be phenomenal when you both have a special connection emotionally. If that is your goal, how could that be wrong? Our, and my, opinions don’t really matter. But you are asking for guidance, and so take it only with a grain of salt - my opinion is that you are giving up more than you are gaining, and I mean that spiritually, by not embarking on a relationship. I don’t exactly believe in the idea of a soul which lives on, but that is beside the point. For atheists who don’t believe in an afterlife, every moment counts while on this planet (well, it should anyway, but we often have to remind ourselves of that.)

[AmandaYVR]

I think you need to share yourself, and have companionship, and be with a woman who appreciates you. And I would cast all other priorities, and doubts, and focus aside. As Liam so aptly said, your first may not be ‘the one’, but be realistic, have some perspective, and begin learning how to appreciate the time you do and will spend with others. As he said, how can you truly know if someone is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, until you have had some other experiences by which to compare? I believe we are on this planet, not just for ourselves, but to interact with others... in many forms and for many purposes. Some will become colleagues, some friends, and some lovers. This is what feeds our souls. Your soul, the essence, the emotional core of who you are belongs to no one else, Jj, only to yourself. Do you remember the old Simpsons episode where Millhouse convinces Bart to sell his soul to him for the measly sum of $5? Bart gladly does it, but eventually has a massive crisis of conscience and decides he does believe, and he desperately needs it back. Call this what you will, but my advice is to take ownership of it, and go and do what will make you happy. And I can say that to you with full confidence, because I don’t believe you would be so selfish as to forsake others and think only of yourself. You’re a good person. You deserve to be happy. It is time to unburden yourself. (D’oh, I definitely said more than one thing. Sorry. Blah blah blah I’ll shut up now...)

[Jjpayne]

Omg... Thank you! I'm am so fortunate to have you as a friend 😢 thank you this was all very sweet of you and I would not mind at all to hear more if you wish to share it. Thank you for everything!

[Lliam]

Amanda is wise.

[SydneySentinel]

Miss Amanda, you are so eloquently good at giving advice.

[Screenwriter]

You care about your religion and what it says about sexuality. You have standards. Why not explore your sexual feelings through therapy. You can clarify your values vs. your sexuality and how those two line up...

[kymberz]

oh zebra - i wish i knew the exact answer to tell you but i don't. so i am going with my gut and saying - please stop tormenting yourself. you are obviously a fun, kind, considerate guy with very deep and meaningful beliefs - it is why i follow you! and you can't let others sway you. you have to take all of the information and advice in, from friends, family, people here, your church leaders or any people you trust enough to share this with - but at the end of the day you must process that information and advice and then you have to ask yourself - and ask God for guidance - and let His Will flow through you - He loves you and would never want you to beat yourself up! there IS a girl out there for you but if you don't want to wait for her - if you feel that experimenting a bit before finding her is right for you - then do so. but don't let numbers or your age push you into doing something that doesn't feel good for your soul. and don't let other people's interpretations of God's Will force you into not doing something. i know this whole comment seems contradictory but all i want you to know is that only you can make this decision but i think if the right circumstances present themselves - do what feels right to you! and if there is any way i can help make this answer clearer - just ask k? and one last thing - are there no nice girls in your church?

[1stranger]

Sometimes you start reading a book. Most of what they read
are sad and boring things. Events begin to change on the following pages.
And the book ends with surprises that make you happy.

If we adapt it to human life, at the point where the book ends, the life of human starts again with all its beauty.

Keep reading the book.
Life is full of surprises.

[Poppykate]

Hello!
Firstly, don’t use need to be validated by a woman. Anyone who thinks this, is going down a dead end path.
Secondly, don’t worry about the age difference!. People will ALWAYS find something to criticise you for! Just live your life the best way you know how! You are the only person you have to answer to!

[JackSmy]

JJ, you ROCK!! BE YOU and NEVER let the haters get you down!! I doubt you could say something that would shock me, but if you need an 'ear' or a 'friend' just PM me, OK?

[SydneySentinel]

JJ, I have contemplated all day about what to say to you. You are such a special person, so encouraging to others, and such a fun outlook. I hate the idea of you being tormented by these feelings.
As human, we all have desires and exploring your sexuality is normal. It frustrates me a lot how religion stifles a lot of people. I'm not saying to go wild and do anything you want to. But I think that you may feel damned either way. If you explore it, you may feel guilt later. If you don't, you're going to be repressing that for all of your life.
Never try to be something you're not. If your curiosities are consensual explorations, there is nothing wrong with that.

[SydneySentinel]

*you MIGHT be repressing it for all of your life.

[SirRexington]

Would having sex with a random girl truly be a scenario where you are being validated? I'd suggest you try to find a girl you know or trust to some degree ( or meet one) and explain that you want to explore a little but are inexperienced and need someone to feel safe and comfortable with. This is obviously not something simple to accomplish but still, its worth a shot.

[Jjpayne]

Thank you

[SirRexington]

Good luck my friend. And you are very very welcome.

[anon1903]

I'm going to roughly round up what I feel about this.





FUCK WHAT THEY THINK.




haters gonna hate. always.


- it's your life, your choice.

[Sha84]

you would be wise to seek professional counseling rather than dependent on social media for advice

[SuccessfulHornDog]

are you giving up gag for lent?

[Jjpayne]

Basically. I spend a lot of time on it

[SuccessfulHornDog]

is that why?

[Jjpayne]

Basically. It's whatever takes up most of your time

[COMMODOREII]

Great my take. 😎

[SecretGardenBlood65]

Good take

[iowahrny85]

Tits and ass

[kymberz]

yes it was a very brutally honest and good my take!

[coolhandroo]

You're totally right that the whole point of this site is to be able to ask the weird questions you canr ask elsewhere and know that you're getting a reasonably honest answer because people can be honest without risking personal shame or community rejection. So when people get judgmental I want shake them myself. Like why are you on here? You have the rest of the internet to conform judge and troll

[Plitty-Tank]

We all have struggles, sir Jjpayne!

What condition do you have?

Good God, that woman in the black dress is hot!

You had a child at age 16 or younger?