Sexual Relationships 
Sexual Health 
Before you continue to read this myTake, yes, I am going to talk about my sex life and, no, I’m not looking for anyone to tell me to get over it. It’s pretty explicit…and I’m not sure if it will be removed. If it is, so be it. But I write this experience not for anyone’s sexual fantasies. No…I write this only because I can’t hold it in anymore. I can’t keep replaying the events over and over again in my head without anyone knowing. I write this any man who is doing this to his girl and for any girl who is allowing this to be done to them so that they may learn from my mistake. Hopefully, they won’t repeat it.
As some of you already know, my boyfriend of one year ghosted me the last Friday in April. I remember it like it was yesterday. Cliché, but true…
I woke up. 7:34a.m. I looked to my right and saw my boyfriend laying next to me. My tan skin next to his white skin was the first thing I noticed. My little beagle was sitting at the end of the bed on his side. He rolled over…wanted to have sex. Again.
The previous night came to mind. 10:52p.m. I remembered it vividly. I remember lying on my bed, not making any noises. I remember him cupping my breasts and kissing my neck and feeling nothing. I remember him telling me to give him head. I told him I didn’t want to. He didn’t care. I asked if he would do it back to me. He said no. He said he didn’t want to.
Then I remember him entering me. In and out. I felt nothing. His eyes were closed. He was sweating. I was not. I roll over onto my knees and let him have at it from the back. It seemed like an eternity. I stared at my headboard, waiting for it to finally end, praying God would still love me even though I wasn’t doing the right thing. I heard him gasp loudly and knew he finished. He rolled off, threw the condom on the floor, and asked when I was getting back on birth control. I looked at my phone. 12:17a.m.
No…I didn’t want to. I didn’t want sex. He couldn’t understand why. I told him because in the year that we were together, I never met his family. He never took me on a date. He never introduced me to his friends. He hardly called me, rarely texted me, and could go days without hearing my voice. He still had his dating profile he created around Christmas that he promised he’d take down over and over again. He didn’t even tell his co-workers that I was black. He must have been ashamed of me. He just wanted sex.
Of course, he swore up and down I was being ridiculous, and that he was done with that argument. It wasn’t the first time I said it. This same conversation has come up at least twice a week since Halloween. We’d have sex two, maybe three times a week, but that wasn’t enough for him. He still thirsted for more. He needed more. Five. Six. Seven, if possible. If he didn't get it, he would tell me to get out. He wouldn't call me. He wouldn't see me. He'd leave in the middle of the night. He even called me a stupid fucking bitch.
I couldn’t do it… But I wanted to. I wanted to please him. I wanted to make him happy. He needed to be happy. If I couldn’t make him happy because maybe, just maybe, if I could finally do it, he’d smile at me. Call me beautiful for the first time. Tell me he loved me. Hold a conversation with me that was about something I was interested in.
However, it wasn’t to play out that way. He told me I was ridiculous. I told him not everyone needs sex and he told me my answer was uneducated. This man of twenty-seven years who graduated high school by the skin of his teeth told me, a twenty-six year old bachelor degree wielding professional, that my views had no educational basis. He’s a man, he told me. He needs sex.
That’s when I remembered a few weeks earlier before he left on another out of town work trip. He traveled for his job every weekend. I remember checking his okCupid profile to see often he logged in a day. The most I counted was four. And I remember on that day, he showed me a girl on Tinder that messaged him, saying she was cute, telling me he was going to meet her.
Then I’m back in my room. He was putting his jeans on. He told me he was hanging out with some friends tonight so he wouldn’t see me. I wasn’t invited. He asked if I had sent him his resume that I wrote for him. He needed me to do it, he said. I’m an English teacher, albeit, an uneducated one.
I said yes. He put his shoes on, grabbed his things, and left.
I never saw him again. I texted him a few times over the weekend, and no response. I looked up his okCupid profile, and saw that he added three new pictures and completely updated his ‘About Me’ section.
It took me a while to realize what he did and when it finally hit, I was mad. I was angry. I was hurt. I threw things. I pulled my hair out. I banged my head against the wall, causing the drywall to crumble to the floor. I tore my apartment to pieces. My dog hid under my bed. What did I do wrong? I didn’t give him sex, I told myself. It’s just sex. Who cares if you never had an orgasm? He didn’t. In fact, he told me that he never tried to give me one. He told me he didn’t care because most women don’t get them.
I looked at the floor, my black hair strands scattered across the beige carpeting. I peered into my T.V.’s screen. My cheeks were red, my eyes puffy, my hair a mess...
Weeks have gone. The sun bowed to the moon over and over again and yet, every time I gaze at the stars through my window, I still find myself asking why. I just want to know why. Why what, you ask? Why wasn’t I good enough? Why was I so embarrassing? Why was he with me? But mostly…
Why didn’t I at least deserve a goodbye?
I don’t have the answer to this question, and I probably never will. And as I stated before, no, I didn’t share this in an effort to throw a pity party nor do I need anyone to tell me to move on.
I just want everyone to know. I just need people to understand the way you treat someone, especially someone who loves you, can possibly shape their view on others and the world. I wasn’t strong enough to leave. I wasn’t brave enough to demand better. Now I’m not secure enough to be with a man.
I’m living in hell. I want love but can’t accept it. I crave a man’s touch yet gag at the very thought of one even giving me a hug. I yearn for the presence of another and do my best to make sure that other side of my bed is empty.
But I can't. I let my boyfriend ruin my sex life. I allowed him to take and take and take and take from me every night without so much as a peep. I gave him permission to use my body as he saw fit. Now I don't know if I'll ever let another man in.
Don’t make my mistake. Be stronger than me. Treat each other right.
Please.
What Girls & Guys Said
32 35Honestly, that man is just a typical dude these days. Typical dudes just want sex and only sex. He wasn't even trying to manipulate you. You enabled his behavior and when you had enough he disappeared. At least he was honest about what he wanted from you. If he never called you beautiful, had conversations that were meaningful, and didn't appreciate you, I think you are partly to blame too and you said it in your post. To be blunt, I don't feel bad for you, and I think you shouldn't be as hurt as you feel. We can agree to disagree but you're overreacting. You got played big time and you probably learned from this experience. Grow from it and move on from it. Be glad he ghosted you because you got rid of him.
So i get pretty much everything else but why would he tell his coworkers you were black?
He said that he didn't want them knowing because they talked smack about a lot of black people and they think we are disgusting. I'm not sure how believable that was. I just thought it was weird that he never showed them a picture of me. He said they showed off their girlfriends and wives but he wouldn't do it for me.
Im sorry. I really am. I hope that you will move on someday and find a bettee guy.
Also, he didn't see you as a girlfriend. He only tought of you as a fuckbuddy or something. You need to set your boundaries with guys. Some can be stupid. I hope everything will turn out well.
Dude whats with all the hate from the men on here? Callin gher names and shit then saying this is why we're jerks. Nah, men are jerks because they wanna be. Chill the fuck out for real...
Just do you ellie, you will find the right guy.
Good guy Tony. We love you. <3
'How my fuckbuddy ruined my sex life.'
Fixed it for you.
Yes, I don't see how she calls this man her boyfriend.
@Amanda2 Called*
Oh yea its past tense now
It was quite evident from the very start that he was in just for the sex.
As a man, I want love too, but young women want cocky and funny, more than just love.
It wasn't evident to her. Some guys are good at manipulation and lying.
@Hannah591 in this case it was, if she was too dazed in love to see it, not my fault..
We didn't have sex until a few months into the relationship.
Good job in figuring out that some players are patient
He just wanted sex, as you so eloquently put it. Is this a revelation, then? You live and learn, that's how it goes.
It is and a bitter one because all the signs were there by I ignored them. I just want other people to learn from me and pay attention to the red flags.
Ouch...
It was obvious he wanted sex and only that. He knew you'd give it to him so he took advantage.
great take
Sorry that you went through all this.
The man is a total jerk.
You are fine, and you will be fine.
I don't know how scum like him are even able to attract women in the first place, while more deserving men are being turned down.
Hey I'm this cum
i think its mostly cause girls in general like bad boys... i mean 4 out of 5 of my girl friends tell me they prefer the bad boy than the good guy... smh
Damn, what an asshole.
love is the greatest gift from GOD to all human beings , u loved him but he did not he just wanted sex and sex and sex and sex nothing more , by the ure black , 90 % of black women are so damn sexy and funny so from deep inside of my heart u didn't choose the right guy u could have chose me instead :) , so lets put it this way u made a wrong decision and now its time to choose right :)
Thank you for your kind words. I need some time alone first before I put myself back out there.
Well, I would love a woman if she loved me and if she didn't want sex, that's okay too. But most young women want cocky and funny as well, not serious men like myself.
This is sadly common and have nothing to do with your race at all. he is just the type of insecure man who wants just sex, very selfish and just shitty person. insecure because they always take the more easy targets , insecure , low self asteem girls so he can use them. you need to respect yourself if you want others to respect you, dont waste your life on peoole who clearly dont give a shit about you, wtf how could you love him if you didn't t even enjoy sex and sex was the only thing you guys had, according to your story.
Anyways, be strong love yourself and dont let jerks in your life*hugs
I don't think I did actually 'love' him. He just temporarily cured my loneliness but that's about it.
I will never understand why women keep going for and staying with these types of guys. Why do so many women want to get the guy that has to be fixed? Why do they try to change him when it NEVER works? Why are women so desperate and in love with the idea of being the one girl who changed him from an abusive, asshole, player, into a good man?
The first few months he was cool. It was after j fell for him. I let my heart take over instead of my brain.
But I'm sure the same personality traits were there to give off red flags of him being a cheater and abusive. It's mostly the confident ones. Who girls tends to go after.
He's not confident at all. He's kinda weird actually.
Right from the beginning?
Yeah. I mean, no dates or anything, but he started being asshole-y after a few months
Still can't understand why girl fall for these guys when it's so easy for other guys to notice an asshole. Did any of your friends say that he was an asshole?
Not for the first half of the relationship. The second half they did.
And I bet every man you date will have to pay for an emotional debt they didn't create. And I bet you'll withhold sex forever. I'd never give you the time of day
until you got your head out of your ass. You kept the sorry motherfucker around. So a lot of this is on you. Oh, I see accountability is something you're allergic to.
the problem isn't the sex life, its the fact you dont know his family etc...
All men aren't like this guy.
Most times a relationship fails is because men want sex and women want love. Men are not emotionally driven and women are not physically driven. To find the right balance you have to make your man work for getting sex. It shouldn't be a free ride. If he doesn't appreciate it he will never appreciate you or the fact you are letting him have sex with you. Thats why a committed relationship (like marriage) is important for physical relationship.
Your story is very saddening but to be honest, you've brought it on yourself by giving into his demands without any restrictions. You've got to set boundaries and get him to give you what you want. If he can't do that then don't give him what he wants. End the relationship with a guy who is not willing to love you mutually, respect you as a person, and take care of you as a Man. You don't need to be treated like a object for his gratification.
At the same time don't let this experience become the standard you end up believing for all men. You will get a good man if you wait and assess him before giving your heart and body to him. At that point it won't be giving yourself to him but rather sharing each others body, mind and heart. Its always mutual in a relationship, else there is no relationship.
I hope this helps.
I want love too and I'm a man, but women want more than just love, actually. Young women want cocky and funny attitudes and I, unfortunately, am a very serious and stern person. Which is why I'm exploring the possibility of older women.
@chc0009 And thats why you got to wait till you find the right woman. I wasn't saying that men don't want love. They do. Women are more emotionally driven. You say you are a serious and stern person "unfortunately"? If you know that it is something thats got to change to get love then maybe you should work on it. I am sure girls would like a little relaxed and fun guy to love.
They love cocky, unfortunately. And I have always been a serious introvert since my childhood.
@chc0009 No worries. You'll find a person who loves you for who you are. Keep searching though. Love needs Action.
That's really fucked up, I'm sorry that happened to you.
Thank you. It's okay. I'm just trying to learn from it and move on.
he was ridiculously good looking, wasn't he?
Eh, not really. He was cute but if we didn't know one another, I wouldn't look twice at him.
oh i am surprised u stayed long enough to go through that then
I know. Truth is I don't miss him, but I do miss the company, which makes me even angrier at myself for not realizing how toxic the relationship was.
People don't stick around just for looks.
@Hannah591 I didn't lol, I stuck around for the company. Never been one to find relationships easily. I was single for years before I met him.