How To Ask a New Prospective Lover for Sex (The way you want it)

[AustinMan]

Note: This will be from my male perspective but it's equally applicable to a woman's perspective...

A question that I see on GAG consistently is "how do I ask my lady for sex" or some variant like "how do I find out if she's kinky"?

One of the most positive things to come out of my divorce, aside for not being with my ex anymore, was from the marriage counseling we undertook late in our marriage. For reasons that are unclear to me, I was of the opinion my whole life that sex wasn't something a man talked to lady about and that a straight up conversation of the subject would send her tearing out of the room screaming? Sound familiar?

Well guess what? They won't! I'm going to make some general statements and as with all generalities, there are a lot of exceptions but my experience has been that those exceptions are rare. Women are mostly pleasers and if they get what they need (and even oft times when they don't), they will do just about anything within reason to please their men. This seems to apply generally but since I'm a compulsive helper, I tend to put her up on a pedestal and do all I can to keep her happy. I dote on my women and spoil them like the princesses they are. That said, that's not necessary. Here's what I have found that was so surprising:

I have adopted a practice of waiting until sex is on the table and then I just talk to them about it, usually over a drink in a quiet, intimate setting. We have a calm, direct, matter of fact conversation. It's a bit like a business meeting but, of course, there's a strong emotional and sexual overtone. I tell her who I am sexually and what I want and need. I just lay it out there.

I have come to believe that everyone, and I mean everyone, is kinky. Some of us are a lot more upfront about that fact than those people that think they are vanilla. When I tell her what I want and need, she may look a little shocked but she's more curious and interested. The point is that as long as you're not a pedophile or sex murderer or otherwise inherently dangerous, the pleaser in her will carry the day and she'll sign up to try things. If you want to do dominant and/or sadistic things, you need to establish a safe word. This is a word she'd never use during sex except if she needs for things to stop so you can talk. It can be anything. I've had ladies use everything from Red Light to Strawberries to Cereal. This allows her, if she wants, to struggle and cry out stop and no and you can just keep going knowing it's just part of her role. My commitment to her is that if she uses her safe word, things stop immediately, without rancor or complaint. While I may not like that she used her safe word, it's more important that she feel safe and ultimately in control. All that said, I've never had a woman safe word. I just make it abundantly clear that the very last thing I want is for me to have a great time only to find out that she felt used or abused.

One very disturbing thing I see in GAG is where a man is rough and dominant but doesn't have her consent. Submission starts, and more importantly ends, with the consent of the sub. Her safe word is how she withdraws her consent

Bottom line: Just talk to the other person. Have a calm, direct, matter of fact conversation and figure out what cums (sic) next.

[Miss_Behave]

I met my guy online and before we met in person, we've talked a lot about our interests and a lot of stuff to get to know each other and even what we're into (or not into) sexually. On paper (then), we already sounded like we were sexually compatible and when we finally met in person, our sexual chemistry was just amazing!!

He likes being dominant and into some kinks too but we've talked about it and he said we should take it slow and get comfortable with each other more and more and then gradually ease ourselves into it and also for me to gain my trust in him, which I totally agreed.

Two nights ago, for the first time, we tried blindfold and had him tie me up and it was really, really hot as I gave him my complete trust to have his way with me.

[AustinMan]

I'm so glad you're having such success. Does he have an interest in S&M?

[Miss_Behave]

Yes, he does... Altho not in the extreme sense, as in he'd spank me and bite me (I love that!) too but not to the point where I get injured.

[AustinMan]

S&M is never about injured. It sounds to me like you need to buy him a wicked paddle and go over his knee with your naughty bottom straight up, high for him to discipline, no?

[redeyemindtricks]

^^ I'd watch it with words like "never", there, tiger. And "injury" is an ambiguous word, too. But, some of my most amazingly satisfactory sexual experiences have left me bloody, bruised and crying. I have plenty of fantasies in which I'm injured worse, but, seeing as I make part of my living with my very-nearly-naked body (fitness/figure model), those boundaries are set extrinsically. For the near future at least.

[AustinMan]

@redeyemindtricks I'd love to see some of your work. Might you share some URLs?

[Miss_Behave]

@redeyemindtricks "injury" as in he doesn't feel comfortable making me bleed or bruised or crying from pain, although honestly, I've told him before that I love being bitten (especially in the neck/shoulder area) and I told him it's alright for him to bite and suck on me hard (like a vampire) till I bleed but he said he won't be comfortable doing that. The most he's gone so far is buying and sucking till I'm slightly blistered /red... Like a hickey. And of course I won't force him to do something he isn't comfortable doing but maybe (hopefully) I'd be able to ease him more into it over time!

[Miss_Behave]

*typo: biting... Not buying, lol

[redeyemindtricks]

How big are you? I'm 6'2". Think of an armored tank with heels, lipstick, and hair glitter. And I had 4 brothers who beat the crap out of me growing up, so I learned to street fight and hit like a boy. My size, I think, is responsible for a large fraction of my sexual satisfaction. I make that man WORK to subdue me... he lays into me pretty good, girl. (; I can't imagine he'd haul off and hit me the same way if I was 5 foot and 85lbs soaking wet. It's still a far cry from what I wet myself thinking about, which honestly would send me to the ER. Some fantasies were meant to stay as fantasies... Probably most of 'em. At at least once a year, we get a sitter and have a "date night" far away. We get a place where no one can hear either of us. Girl lemme tell you, that means driving over 200 miles, but it's worth it. (; OP, I'm a fitness competitor. Like bodybuilding shows, but not gross cartoon characters. I don't do glam shots; you'll have to use your imagination. xx

[Miss_Behave]

@redeyemindtricks I'm tiny...5'2" and a little above 100lbs.

[redeyemindtricks]

Yeah, see, you've got a challenge there. I don't know what you can do about that. Girrllll you know what? LIVE BLOG. Or at least journal it. You should keep some sort of record. Like a "progress log". A record of how you ease this man into it. 'Cause if I were your man, I'd be afraid you'd break if the wind blew the wrong way. I mean... *intellectually* I know that even small women are pretty damn resilient, but, still. STILL. Outside of show prep, weight wise, you're barely more than half of me. : I guess biting is a good start, since biting is independent of your weight at least. I guess. I dunno. It might even be the other way around. Maybe I've grown to need the physical domination, even more than the psychological, BECAUSE of my height/size. If I were your height maybe I'd fixate mostly on being subdued psychologically. Again I dunno. But you should think about some sort of real-time progress log, because I know lots of women have the same problem you're facing.

[Jamie05rhs]

@Miss_Behave I agree with you completely. BDSM is something you ease into gradually. You don't act dominant with someone when you don't even know them yet.

[Jamie05rhs]

@redeyemindtricks Your stuff is way too intense for me. I could honestly say with 100% certainty that I would not be compatible with someone like you. I don't believe in blood or bruises.

[MAC1983]

@redeyemindtricks Just as a counterpoint: Your stuff is fine by me. I could honestly say with 100% certainty that I would be compatible with someone like you. I don't believe in blood or bruises, UNLESS they are explicitly asked for on occasion (and only if in a manner that blows my socks, or anything else, off).

[Anonymous]

This is a really great take. But how do you do it if the prospective lover is a female friend who became single? I. e. how do you get sexual/romantic on top of a sweet/slightly romantic vibe you might have?

Also check out this take if you can, www.girlsaskguys.com/.../a30669-do-women-have-dirtier-sex-with-guys-who-don-t-care-about-them-what it might be relevant to yours. I note that the 1st guy seemed more respectful and the 2nd like you mentioned at the end, not caring?

[AustinMan]

I start the same way: apologize in advance in case I'm wrong and then ask her if she feels the chemistry that I do.

[Opinion Owner]

Ok how do you mean? Example given she was taken when you first became part of this social circle (not besties, but you know her)?

[AustinMan]

You just apologize in advance if you're wrong, tell her you feel a lot of chemistry around her, and ask her if she feels it, too? If yes, then ask her what the two of you should do about it? Deliver the question with a big but not lecherous smile.

[Opinion Owner]

Haha I like that. It's just should/how do you do it if you are not in a position to date atm?

[AustinMan]

I'm not sure about that. I use it even if I am in a position to date. I'm not a FWB/fuck buddy kind of guy. I want that emotional connection.

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah tbh so do I! I mean I was in a position logistically to date before when she was taken. Then she emigrated. I've been carrying on with life and had to move with my new work. But it means I don't really have a bachelor pad anymore and have to commute to see people including her now she's moving back. So given that, I'm wondering how to tell her she's hot/attractive to me, with the possibility of her taking my virginity, or us being intimate, and meeting solo versus in groups from now on. But at the same time, I can't really date in terms of a constant bf/gf relationship where I can see her everyday. At least not for a while.

[AustinMan]

Just talk to her calmly, directly, and matter of fact. Together you'll figure it out.

[Opinion Owner]

I know but if I state I'm attracted, won't it be awkward if I don't follow through on it in terms of just texting her in general or being friends in the future?

[AustinMan]

Not if you give her an easy out. That's why the apology as a preface. It gives you both a way for her to say no but not leave things in an awkward state, as you say.

[Opinion Owner]

I kinda get that, but I've heard you shouldn't apologise? In order to come across confident?

[AustinMan]

It's not being less confident. It's being considerate and covering your ass. If you do it in a calm, direct, matter of fact way, she'll admire you for it and it increases the likelihood she'll go with it.

[Opinion Owner]

Right, so give me another example, sorry, I'm not that experienced with this and she means a lot. So how does the whole thing look?

[AustinMan]

You just get her in an intimate moment like over a quiet drink (not during sex but away from the sexy stuff) and you tell her that you apologize in advance if you're wrong about this but that you feel this incredible chemistry with her. Do you feel it as well? This is the crucial moment. If she says no, your prior apology goes into effect and you go back to the prior state. However, in my experience the much more likely answer is yes at which time you ask her what she thinks the two of you should do about it. If she says she doesn't know, tell her in a calm, direct, matter of fact way the opening gambit of what you'd like. Like maybe, "I think we should spend some time together and fool around" or whatever words to that effect you want to use. I'd avoid transient sounding terms like hooking up.

[Opinion Owner]

That's a great one! I mean she's really sweet and innocent, pretty nice like me. So I get I could talk bout chemistry, but again, words to say? Are you saying to tell her, do you feel the chemistry I do? Secondly on the what are we going to do about it, how do you phrase the "fooling around" if she's also innocent (only 1 ex bf) I dunno if she's even had sex?

[AustinMan]

You have my $0.02 on this plus so you're on your own. Just stay calm and carry on. Either man up or don't. It's just a conversation. I can't script it for you.

[Opinion Owner]

Oh I find it very helpful, don't get me wrong. It's just you're more experienced, and it's my 1st time. So I was just wondering how to say the fooling around part? If she happens to be a great innocent girl?

[AustinMan]

Fooling around is a very low key way of asking her to fuck you and won't offend her. Now man up, get in there, and get laid!!

[Opinion Owner]

Haha I agree, and would love to get laid by her. Seriously I would, but can you actually tell an innocent girl "We should fool around"? This is a friend, is that possible? I would appreciate your advice on how best to put it to her

[AustinMan]

Okay. Last time. You a priori apology gives you an out. She's said she feels the chemistry and she's not expressed a preference for what to do about it. So it's up to you to take charge in a calm but polite way. If you're more comfortable telling her you'd like to explore being intimate, that's the same thing but maybe more palatable to you. Now go figure it out.

[Opinion Owner]

I feel like we're not moving forward lol. I GET and understand the gist of telling her let's do something about it. I am asking which words are acceptable to use to a sweet friend? Give an example of an actual sentence in terms of the fooling around part?

[AustinMan]

I'm 68 years old. I'm the last guy to ask this. I don't think the words you choose matter all that much.

[Opinion Owner]

But if she's sweet and an innocent friend, friend being the operative word (who has become single for a yr and moving back to your country). I'd like to suggest what you say, but am not sure HOW to say it?

[AustinMan]

I've tried numerous times to help you and I feel like you're not doing your part: using your God given brain to figure this out. If she's indeed a friend, this low key approach will not ruin that. She's not going to be offended.

[Opinion Owner]

You've described the gist of what to do, but not the detail. Obviously I agree with "tell her let's fool around", but I doubt you could just point blank tell her "we should fool around". I am asking for advice on how to phrase it given she's a sweet girl and I like her, given you say you are experienced?

[Azara]

id rather sex be brought up asap so we dont waste each others time. im not going to expect a person to get up and leave bc i mention sex, but if they did well, its good it happened sooner rather than later.

i dont see why talking about anything is seen by some as bad. you're just talking. talking about sex is very different than tossing someone on the floor and giving a demonstration. i trust people more when they are direct. and not bc i need to know the kinks. but just in general i want to know he/ she can talk about stuff.

[AustinMan]

I concur completely. That's another added benefit to having the conversation (s).

[Tdieseler]

ur gonna trust me a lot then...(well.. most people do)... cuz you are right..."when they are direct"... or blunt lol

[Azara]

:-) #filler

[AustinMan]

Gotcha!! LOL

[Some_Goof]

Nice mytake. The information is helpful. Thank you.

[AustinMan]

My pleasure.

[Dongtai]

There aren’t too many Mytakes I’ve given a thumbs up to. Especially not those regarding sex and how to go about it from the male perspective. A lot of men objectify women and treat them as “creatures” that need to be talked/handled a certain.

This is probably the first one that made sense to me and that I enjoyed reading. Definitely going to apply this.

When would you initiate the conversation? I have the idea of doing it when making out becomes sexual. This article was gold.

[AustinMan]

I'm ready anytime. I wanted to relate some things I don't think I covered in the My Take.

[Dongtai]

What do you mean anytime?

[AustinMan]

As soon as I see you've followed me, I'll reach out.

[Jamie05rhs]

LOL. @AustinMan I think @Dongtai was asking when he should initiate the conversation with the girl.

[GoodDogNigel]

Watch and learn, pally:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A76FFmhSE50

[FatherJack]

A lot of women are NOT sexual at all , you must gauge her personality first. Asking for permission in a wussy type way will repel even the most sexual women.

[AustinMan]

I'm not sure what women you're talking to but in my experience, women, particularly premenopausal women are VERY sexual and get really turned on talking about sex under the right circumstances. As for being a wussy way to repel women, it works exactly the opposite. Once I ask the first time and we find out we're on the same page and I have their informed consent, their ass is mine, literally and figuratively and I don't ask again. Safe words are in place, obviously.

[TheDawnOfTime]

Very helpful thanks.

[AustinMan]

My pleasure.

[MeowMiXXXGurl]

I had one asshole traumatize me. I had no idea he was into kink and once we got intimate he started swearing & yelling at me. I just finished him off quick & got out of there. I think he recorded me without consent too. He tried to hookup with me again and I cursed him out via email. Too ashamed to tell anyone. Hope he dies.

[AustinMan]

I'm so sorry you had that experience. That's a big reason I recommend a conversation first. Had he done that, you'd have avoided the whole thing, presuming he had been honest. Again, sorry.

[WeeGeeTheSecond]

... What? I mean, how did he start swearing and yelling at you even though you were being intimae? That doesn't make sense at all.

[Anonymous]

From my point of view, the question is: "How do I find out if she's dominant"?
Great MyTake by the way.

[AustinMan]

Just ask her? Ask her about her sexual style: what turns her on, what does she want from an ideal partner, what are her kinks. Does that help?

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah, I guess, but I'm kinda shy to ask that...

[AustinMan]

The whole point of this My Take is to show that if you want an honest sexual relationship, you have to step up to the plate and ask the questions. I promise, if she's interested in you sexually, and I suspect you already know the answer to that is yes, then she's not gonna freak out. I know, after all these years, that that's hard to believe but trust me and just try it. You can even preface it by saying that asking these kinds of questions is new to you and that your innate shyness makes it very hard. That you apologize in advance should she be offended. By then, her curiosity will be killing her and you can just ask her straight out: tell me about your sexual style and preferences. I'll share mine when you're done. I promise, she won't go running screaming out of the bar.

Here's another My Take I wrote that may be very, very useful:

www.girlsaskguys.com/.../a10152-how-to-talk-to-your-so-about-sex

[Opinion Owner]

Thanks

[AustinMan]

You up for asking her now?

[Opinion Owner]

Well, we are not in a relationship yet, we're just friends, so it's kinda awkward, I'm not sure if she really likes me.

[AustinMan]

Pardon my suspicious nature but I get the feeling that you about half the 36 years of age you advertise. Am I right?

[Opinion Owner]

No, I have a completely different kind of problem... never been on a date, never been kissed, still a virgin, always friendzoned - you know the drill :(

[Anonymous]

How can a guy (who isn't necessarily into any kinks) bring up the topic of sex with a woman I'm interested in? Be as specific as you can.

[AustinMan]

The best approach I know of it to apologize in advance if you think you might be off track by just saying that if you have this wrong, you want to apologize in advance. If you're sure, then don't bother. Tell her that you feel a lot of chemistry and electricity between the two of you and that you wondered if the same is true for her? When she says yes, ask her if she wants to do anything about it. When she says yes, as her how she'd like to get to the next level.

[Opinion Owner]

I'm gonna try this. Thank you.

[redeyemindtricks]

With all due respect... No. "I apologize" should not be juxtaposed with wanting to fuck her. This is not sexy. You should make HER want more. Learn to be a tease. Like, before you've kissed her, get close to her, so that she can feel your breath on her lips. (Make sure your breath doesn't stink, yo.) If she starts to do the eyes-closing-head-turn thing, even better. Then la la la la, suddenly pull your head away and keep making conversation... as if nothing happened. (Google the word "sprezzatura". Read.) We kinda like that whole sexual frustration thing. (Ever heard a girl complain about "blue ovaries"? Nah, because it's fun.) Etc. Keep the girl THISclose to the next step, each time. Do not apologize. You're a man, yo! You shouldn't feel sorry for wanting to fuck such an irresistibly hot babe.

[Opinion Owner]

I get what you're saying, don't get me wrong. I absolutely feel like I shouldn't need to apologize for wanting to have sex. I'm sure plenty of women would feel otherwise. Guys are made to feel like the bad guy sometimes about wanting just sex. I also want to communicate my intent before I go to the teasing. I don't want her to think I want something serious.

[Jamie05rhs]

I have to apologize, because I'm a Christian and I'm not supposed to say things like that.

[Jamie05rhs]

I don't want "just sex," though. And I think that guys SHOULD feel like the bad guy for wanting that, if that's not what she wants. ... Well, not for wanting it, but for trying to get it. (Of course, if that's what she's looking for as well, then that's another story entirely.)

[Anonymous]

Best take ever on this subject and i might have to try it later.

[AustinMan]

My GAG age is a lot younger than I am so I'm much more in your age group. This works like a charm. I never fail to be amazed at how many vanilla women want to try out The Dark Side if they know what's cumming, so to speak.