Sexual Relationships 
Sexual Health 
With all the newspeak in our post-feminist insurrection, a lot of cliche's, taboos and norms have been beaten silently and tossed to the dustbin of history, but a lot of the practicum in the dating world is still up for begrudged debate. I think one of the most common social ordinances up for scrutiny is the idea that the male should pick up the check. For whatever reason, early GenX's and late boomers thought to impregnate their own weak-minded millennial offspring, harbingers of the safe-space and comic sans font, with the idea that the male should always pay for the date, out of sheer investment in the future relationship. Of course the nineties had seen nowhere near the gender rights development we have seen in our contemporaries, but the misconceptions of the norms seem to trickle down with the economics.
Throughout the history of dining, it was understood that the HOST pays - who just so happened to often be the male. I posted here recently a question regarding table etiquette and weather anyone knew of it, or found it important in a first date. Most commenters found it unnecessary with a few picky disciples such as myself chiming in. So I thought I would cover the ground rules, for any unfortunate soul who happens to have requested the accompaniment of someone with a case of sensitive mannerisms. And there are a lot of women in particular that will not be returning a call should you make any major mistakes.
Tip No. 1: Pick the Right Place.
Yes, it must be a restaurant, unless your date has a disease wherein he/she does not eat. Then a bowling alley is a wonderful alternative. Everyone bowls. A restaurant is the perfect establishment in which to break the ice with this new person, and signal to one that you are serious about deepening a relationship, because a restaurant forces you into conversation with your interest. Going for coffee, is stupidly cliche, and maybe a good place to meet someone as a friend, but never as a first date. Your date will assume you are cheap, awkward, and aren’t serious about the relationship. I’ve been to many a coffee bar and sat next to gentlemen doing their best to woo a lady into seeing him again, amidst the crowd and the clutter, and the noisy machines, and the strangers talking to one another, and interrupting each others conversations. I wanted nothing more than to grab this kid by the collar and shake him until his brains fell out, or what was left of them after that mind-numbing experience.
Picking the right restaurant can be a challenge. I would highly recommend setting up a common place - or somewhere you take all first dates to, because you are familiar with the quality and the consistency. You want what is known by those in the business as the, “Chef’s Casual.” Higher ticket price ($20-$30/plate), generally to impress, and show commitment and monetary excess. It also hits at modesty, yet with good taste. You don’t want to go too expensive, because you may come off as pretentious, or maybe as though you didn’t put enough thought into it. It also may make the conversation heavy because he or she may feel as though they need to react, or follow certain mannerisms, or avoid certain topics just because of the stillness of the air. This would be the wrong impression! Chef’s Casual restaurants are places that serve more upscale food, that you aren’t required to wear a suit to. Most new fusion restaurants, tapas restaurants, and Rustic European places as well as nouveau American establishments are great options. Check the reviews on Yelp! and try and find something that fits your personal taste.
The best thing to do, and I would recommend this especially to gentlemen, is to go by yourself prior to ever asking anyone there. Maybe a few times, and order something new every time. That way if ever a date asks you about something on the menu, you can tell them all about it, and weather you like it or not. One thing that you should get into the habit of, is giving your card to the host, telling them to add 20% gratuity before even sitting down, then there’s no confusion about the bill, and you don’t have to give a game-face as you see the check come back. Make sure to ask your date what they like which gives you the opportunity to start a conversation about THEM and their tastes. The reason you, as a host, are there. This will show them your leadership skills, and you have good judgement, and that you are open to new things, and not arrogantly choosey. It also shows that you really cared enough to think through where you brought them, which you did, so good on you for that!
Tip No. 2: How to Read a Wine List and How to Decide What You Should Eat.
This first paragraph and the next are for those of us over the age of twenty-one, yes, you’ve probably noticed the irony of my age. But I grew up in Europe, so I have learned over the years the tricks of the trade when it comes to booze and first dates. The wine menu is tough to decipher, especially if you are young. First, however, it is important to ask your lovely date weather he or she even cares for wine. He may be a beer drinker, she my like a little rum and coke, whence case forget about the bottle. This is yet again another opportunity for you to come off as educated, and erudite as well as considerate to your date.
Now without giving a whole course on wine, understand that there are certain regions famous for certain wines. So on this particular menu, I would first ask if your date wanted to start off with white or red. Generally, it is commonplace to start with white for salads and red for entrees, but this is assuming you’re each simply having one glass. In essence, Fish and delicate meals like chicken require a sweet or dry wine. Riesling and Chardonnay are popular. The best Riesling comes from Alsace, or Austria, and the best Chardonnays come from Australia, if you’e looking on the cheap or bordeaux, if you want to drop a little more cash. Avoid the 2012 vintage in general. There was a lot of rain that year in France which molded some of the crop, and the remaining was a little on the acetic side. If you want to be risky try a Beaujolais, which is a sweeter red, but very drinkable, and tannic.
For anything else pretty much, I would say you’re best fit for a Syrah, Pinot Noir, or Rioja. Pinot Noir is very safe, especially from the Burgundy region of France, but also there are a lot of Sonoma Valley wineries that do good Noir too, a little cheaper. Rioja from Chile is very cheap often, and can be very delicious. It is very juicy and full-bodied, but takes on a more reddish hue than Noir. It’s a little more risky though. Syrah, is a more peppery, floral wine in general, and the best examples come from the Rhone river Valley. Avoid Syrah that is Australian as it may be the even more niche Shiraz, which is maybe more on the daring side for the evening. Remember, showing boldness, strength of character and knowledge are very important on a first date.
What I would highly, highly recommend is speaking to the wine waiter, or the sommelier if the establishment has one. This shows humility, that you are willing to ask questions, and do not take yourself too seriously. If you aren't just ordering glasses, but choosing to get a bottle, consult your date on what flavor characteristics they like in a wine, this is just common courtesy. Phrase the question, “I really like X, Y and Z (Flavor characteristics) in a wine, and my favorite wine is, AA. I’m having (whatever) to eat tonight. Anything you can recommend?”
When it is time to look over the menu, you want to keep three things in mind Duration, Wait and Dignity, Price. Remember D.W.D.P = Duration, Wait, Dignity, Price. Let your date order first, and help her/him along the way, as I discussed earlier. Regard what they have chosen.
Duration: How long will it take them to eat that item? Is the conversation going well so far? If you’re enjoying their company, pick something you know will last longer, to drop out the time you are there. If you find out she believes in astrology, or he was at a, “Wicked toga party last night, bruh,” it may be wise to pick something that will get you the fuck out of there as soon as possible.
Wait: They’re ordering a salad and you’re having a filet mignon? How rude, now she/he is going to be waiting forever to eat their simple meal, while you scarf down six ounces of meat. Coordinate what you are ordering with them. If they’re getting a pan-seared halibut, then you could opt for the truffle mac-and-cheese. You’re the host, don’t slow ticket times just because you want something. You need to be courteous to your beautiful guest.
Dignity: They’re watching you. They’re watching you right now slurp that whole spaghetti noodle down your gullet. Don’t do that. Don’t be that guy/girl. Order something that is easy to eat. Avoid sandwiches that are too tall, burgers that are greasy and pasta, unless it is gnocchi. Save those embarrassments for date two, where you’re trying to be cute and funny!
Price: Bare in mind that you are the host, and you are paying for two meals this evening, so if what they ordered is looking a little steep, perhaps just get a soup, to even out the total.
Tip No. 3: Table Manners and How to Treat Your Server.
Okay, so we have all been there. A bread basket gets set down on the edge of the table. Instantly your mind changes gears. Your date is still talking, but all you hear is, “wah, wah, wah, wah.” Because bread. And it’s there. It’s on the table. When your date stops talking, grab the basket, and offer them a piece first. Place your akin on your lap, unless it is a paper napkin, then you may take a piece. If there is butter, cut bite-sized pieces from the bread, butter them individually just before you eat them. Do it very carefully over the plate to avoid crumbs. Your knife should always be in your right hand when you cut. Keep the tines (pointy parts of the fork) pointed towards your mouth and away from your guest, or in other words, sort of put the fork upside-down so that the angle of the fork matches that of your chin.
When you want to take a drink, place the silverware on the plate, criss-crossed, grab the stem of the wine, or the cholas of the water glass and sip. DO NOT GULP AND DO NOT SAY, “AHHHHH” after you have sipped. Chew your food thoroughly before speaking, and never chew with your mouth open. These are very bad manners. If your guest asks you a question, hold your hand up and smile while you chew, and then once you have finished, proceed to answer it. If a dish comes with special utensils, such as Escargot, or Crab… Again, probably should have been more tactful and ordered with Dignity, but… It’s your call back… Use the utensils, don't suck the meat out of the shell with a bunch of vacuum cleaner noises or anything disgusting.
Your server is literally best thing to happen to you on this date. If you have been to the restaurant before, and you know this server, engaging with friendly banter is very attractive to your partner, and shows some of your softer side. If the server is new to you, and she comes to greet you, compliment her (or him). One of the easiest things to compliment your server on is his/her smile. If they have a terrible smile, or crooked teeth, obviously don’t use that one, but most servers will be flattered and will be much more likely to accommodate you during the evening. Always smile when you see them, and be very polite. This will also demonstrate to your date that manners are very important, and if your date happens to be a server, understanding how difficult the job is will go a long way! Use the server’s name liberally - this shows that you care enough about them to have paid attention to it. Always thank them profusely when they bring things to the table. Another trick you can do, is when you are finished with a plate, place your silverware at ten and two on the plate. Then the server will know that you are ready to excuse the plate, and can retrieve your next course.
Tip No. 4: Conversation Rules.
Okay, flirting is like a little dance that people do back and forth. Showing just enough of themselves to tease the rest, a bit like a movie trailer. So you don’t want to go in-depth with your conversation, but you don’t want to be shallow and focus on small talk. Instead, let your date do the talking, and ask truly meaningful questions, especially philosophical ones. It may seem a bit deep, but to have someone take a general interest in why you think the way you do is very flattering. Just keep pulling away the layers of the onion, adding small interjections regarding the way you feel about the topic, and then asking essay questions to give them lots to talk about. In silences, you can fill the air with banter about your week, perhaps menu-talk. But really take a genuine interest in what your date is saying, without unveiling too much about yourself. They will then feel attached to you because they shared so much with you about their lives, and they will then be curious about your beliefs, and want to tell you more personal things.
Do not mention anything sexual. No penis jokes, no tit jokes. No holocaust jokes. Try and give them a taste of your sense of humor with perhaps a few self-deprecation lines or hyperbole about something that annoyed you tinge fully during the day. Try not to come off like a complainer if you attempt the latter.It is so upsetting to hear about terrible dates where the host made the guest uncomfortable talking about sexual things. If you’re going into this date expecting to get laid, get that out of your head. This is for people who are serious about having life-partners, and sex does not happen until commitment does. Don’t say anything raunchy about other women or men, and avoid taboo political subjects like abortion. If ever you feel insulted, just lean back and don’t let anything they say offend you. Instead try and understand their thoughts without ridiculing them for it.
Tip No. 5: Saying goodbye.
When both of your plates are empty and your stomachs full, ask your guest if she/he is ready to go. If not, carry on in conversation. If she/he is, you may stand, grab your guest’s coat from behind his/her chair, and hold it for them to put on. Yes, women, you can do this for your men too. You will then grab your card with the receipt, followed by your guest’s hand, and then usher them out the door nicely. Be sure that is it is a first date, that you both drove separate. If you didn’t however, do this next part at their doorstep.
At this point, you will either know if you have been a good host or a crummy one. Say, “Thank you so much for spending the evening with me, I had such a lovely night getting to know you!” Whence point, they will likely say the same. Then you will hug your date, and European kiss his/her cheeks goodbye. Once you have done this, still holding them, silently look at his/her lips and lean closer slowly. If he/she closes their eyes, congratulations! You were a great host! Make sure after the kiss, that you walk your date to their car and remind them to contact you. Call them the very next day and arrange another rendezvous.
Once you have mastered the art of manners at the table, you are much more likely to have successful dates, and likewise more successful relationships. I hope you found this helpful, and have thought about the image of yourself you would like to cast to your lovely next date.
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