How to get comfortable expressing my sexual needs?

My boyfriend and I recently had sex. I was a virgin before I met him, he'd had a few more encounters. Anyway, he's quite comfortable expressing what he likes, offering guidance and telling me what I'm doing right. He wants me to do that too, which is fair of course, but I'm really, really, really bad at self-advocating. Like, I freeze up and get tense as soon as he asks, and it ruins the moment a bit. Can I have some advice on how to get better at it beyond just practice? Because as soon as I even try, I start stumbling over it, I get embarrassed, and out of the mood. I'd really like to find a way to be comfortable with it.

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Most Helpful Guys

  • The obvious answer is to have these discussions with him OUTSIDE the bedroom, NOT during "sexy time." And it's perfectly okay to tell him that as much as you WANT to discuss these things with him, it's hard for you to do, and that he needs to be patient and understanding with you and support you. If he's a decent guy at all (and it sounds like he is), then he'll be more than happy to do so, and he'll be even happier that you were direct with him instead of hiding or playing games about it as so many women do.

    You can also "communicate" your needs non-verbally during sex, at least a majority of the time. Move his hands where you want them, or put your hand over his and show him how to move it the way you like. If you want to dry a different position, go ahead and move into that position - you don't need to wait for him to put you there. And while I promise you that he really wants and enjoys it when you ARE verbal with him, which you will hopefully be able to be more of as you get more comfortable with things, he will STILL appreciate your non-verbal inputs too.

    I had a girlfriend who, though she had no trouble talking at all other times, literally could not speak when I was inside her. It's as if her voice had an off-switch inside her vagina or something - she couldn't make any kind of sound when penetrated. So, she used facial expressions, she would squeeze my arm, or move my hand, or point/use hand gestures, or whatever, and could communicate what she wanted even though she couldn't verbalize it.

    The point is: there's many ways to communicate, and your needs and desires are important to him. He wants to please you and he wants you to enjoy sex, so he needs feedback, because every girl is a little different (and some are a LOT different), which means he can't always just guess or "just know" what you want. I'm sure he will appreciate any and all efforts you make in this area, but, again, don't be afraid to talk about it (verbally) away from sexy time. And definitely tell him this is something you struggle with, so he doesn't blame himself when you do struggle, and is more understanding when you do.

  • Sis I feel you, opening up about what you like can be so awkward at first! But it's totally normal and you'll get more comfortable with time. Here are some tips:

    - Start small by affirming what feels good in the moment, like "I really like when you do that." Baby steps!

    - Write down your thoughts when you're alone so you're not on the spot. Then share casually what you wrote later.

    - Remember he wants you to feel good too! His pleasure turns him on more when you're fully enjoying each other.

    - Maybe try a sensual massage to ease into exploring touches before full on sex. Less pressure that way.

    - You can also show him through guiding his hands instead of just saying it. Actions can be easier at first.

    - Remember he's learning about your body too. Laugh it off if you hesitate - keep it light and fun.

    Don't stress, Mama! With practice it'll be totally natural. Focus on listening to your own wants and needs, not what you think you "should" do. You've got this! 💪🏽

Most Helpful Girls

  • Pick one thing that you what to communicate. Write it down. Make sure it is clear and specific. Practice saying it in your mind. Practice saying it out loud. When the time comes, say it, even if it feels a little awkward.

  • First of all, do you have anything that you would like to ask for, or anything you want your boyfriend to do, or you want your boyfriend to do it this way etc?

    • I mean do you have anything to say?

    • Kind of, yeah. Not a lot though. I've never been the most self-explorative person

    • Yeh that I had doubt. So first you get to know yourself better. You know first what you like or dislike, gather more information about yourself your preferences your liking disliking. And tell him that you were virgin so wait till you are finally know that what you want to ask for. And once you are ready with all the information and all your needs or not all but anything about what you are confident that you want this then gather your courage and tell him. You need not to say it while you are having sex but you can say while simply you are sitting and cuddling or in cozy environment. First time is always tough. But once you start expressing yourself then it will get easier for you to do it more. So try to tell for the first time at least whenever you are comfortable to express it.

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What Girls & Guys Said

1 10
  • Drink some liquor

    • But not too much lol

    • Haha, but no thanks, I'm none-alcoholic.

    • Then your freak will never come out sadley

  • What are your sexual needs? you not virgin anymore, so why are you still acting so shy?

    • bcause I'm not that sure what they are.

    • Maybe your sexual needs are already satisfied, you don't need to press that.

    • They're not, I just don't know how they should be

  • 1. Get on birth control then

    2. Drink alcohol. That will loosen you up as your inhibitions drop. (But, that could also lead to pregnancy from being wreckless about contraception while under the influence, thus I advocate getting on the pill.)

    • I'm nonalcoholic and the pill severely messed up all the women in my family for years afterward, so I'm afraid I won't be doing those things, but thanks for the advice anyway

  • You are either easy with expressing or you are not... it's not a natural thing. Only had one girlfriend early that was expressive with me and me with her.

    • How did you deal with the ones who weren't?

    • I think the truth is that I DIDN'T TRY, although I hate to admit that. The one I referred to that was easy to relate to sexually was in my 20's and we had known each other for several years before becoming "lovers". Prior to that, she and I discussed our prior sex lives openly, and in detail, so we were at ease doing that, and that made it easier when we started having sex. I was not jealous or resentful in any way with her prior experiences with other men and we built our relationship on that. Not easy to do with many men, I am sure, as they don't want to hear about your sex with other men. I was comfortable, and welcoming of her experiences, so that made a natural 'transition' to our discussing our own desires, kinks, fetishes etc. etc. Not sure if that answers your question, but certainly it is not easy to open up to another person about what you want/need when it comes to sex. With her and I, It seemed to come naturally.

    • I see, that makes sense. I wish I could be one of those people naturally

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  • Practice! It's great that you have an open dialogue about it!

  • Maybe when your by yourself maybe explore your body sexually by touching and rubbing parts of your body that’s makes you feel good. You need to know your body better sexually so you can feel comfortable and confident with your man or another person. Also some of your girlfriends might have some experience and can tell what do so you don’t tense up.

    • I don't know it's difficult. I'm basically never turned on when I'm alone, so nothing feels all that good.

  • You shouldn't have sex with someone if you aren't comfortable talking to them about sex.

  • Pick one thing you want to fo or that gets you so fucking horny or feels really good and tell him once you break the initial ice communication lines will start to open up a long with openess

  • Well, what do you like and want? Practice with us. Or do you not really know?

    • I don't really know. Most self-explorations fell kinda flat. Maybe it's because I'm always stressed out or something, I don't know.

    • Well, if you don’t even know what you want to express… maybe start by brainstorming, anything and everything you’ve ever heard, seen, or thought about, and just start working you way through. The other way is just commit to being naked in a room together for a few hours, but you’re the only one who gets to initiate, and just see what happens.

  • Just be open its sex, everyone needs that.

  • Have you tried closing your eyes before you try to talk to him?

    • yeah. . . i'm just so stressed and awkward though

    • Have you tried saying those things out loud when you are alone?

    • Problem is I don't really know what to say.

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