How to handle sexual rejection from my boyfriend?

Question

I know you can’t be in the mood all the time and I always respect his wishes, but it hurts my feelings when I try to start something he rejects me. We only have sex when he wants basically and I don’t want to make the first move anymore because he always rejects me. He always needs head before we start and the last time he gave me head was 6 months ago probably if not more. I’ve asked him why he doesn’t do it and he said because it will distract him and make him soft. I don’t know why bc I always make sure I smell and taste good and he says I do but maybe it’s just not his thing? I don’t know I really have given him the chance to be honest with me and I don’t know what to do about all of this. I know I’m hyper sexual and I don’t expect him to have sex with me when I want all the time but I don’t know how to get over him rejecting me. The single times I’ve not been in the mood when he was he would start rubbing himself on me or asked me for a “little help” with head if I’m not gonna give him pussy. That bothers me a lot bc if I’m in the mood and he’s not he won’t even consider giving me head or fingering me. It’s honestly a whole problem and I don’t know what to do anymore I don’t feel satisfied but I love him so much.

NamerOfStars · Accepted Answer

Well, that sucks. It sounds like he's being sexually greedy here, especially with asking for help from you while not being willing to return the favor. How does he treat you in nonsexual ways? If he's otherwise kind and giving, I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to extend that (or at least move it); part of being in a relationship is limiting your sexual activities to one other person- making sure that sacrifice is worth it for your partner is all the more important for that limitation.

If he doesn't, or if that won't work, you might want to try persuading him to join you in helping someone with something, either temporarily (the old guy down the block needs some help loading the moving van) or on a longer-term basis (the local soup kitchen needs volunteers); this'll show how rewarding it is to help others for its own sake- that it feels good to make someone feel good. This, too, can be extended to sexuality; who cares if he goes soft while going down on you? You don't NEED an erection for that, and it's not like it's a permanent condition (note that if he IS having erectile issues, that complicates matters, and a lot of guys WILL react badly to that, often withdrawing and becoming sexually unavailable rather than getting medical attention, but it sounds like that's not the problem); you can always see to his needs afterwards (the simple joy of providing pleasure to someone you love for its own sake can eventually mean you stop thinking about "getting your turn"; not from a lack of desire but because you've just stopped keeping score, but that's something certain people are WAY more susceptible to than others).

The cause-and-effect link between arousal and having sex isn't one-way, either; sometimes getting things started physically will get your juices flowing, even if they hadn't been before. You may have noticed this yourself, if you were tending to him when you weren't in the mood; I can assure you from firsthand experience that it's not limited to women.

Maybe you could try to incorporate a sexual element into other things that you're doing together? Obviously that's not going to work if he's not willing to try, but having some ideas to expand things can help make him more willing. For example, if he has strong competitive instincts, then you could take turns playing some reflex-driven action game, and while one of you is playing, the other is going down on them, and you compete to see who gets a higher score before distraction makes them lose. You could even keep a running tally going of who wins each round to ramp it up over the longer term. Appeal to his curiosity by implementing a "mandatory nudity" policy (though that requires certain situational conditions, obviously), with the threat of losing points if it's violated- when he asks what "points" actually do, smirk and tell him "You'll see- if you're good and stay naked"; ramp up your expressions of affection (in whatever form they may take) to keep him guessing; the desire to keep you happy to figure it all out can help push him in the right direction (you will, of course, need to come up with something big to reward him, but since you know him and I don't, that one's on you). There are plenty of dedicated sexual forums out there that could give you ZILLIONS more ideas; what I'm driving at is that adding a sexual element to more parts of your life together can lead to more sex in general.

JPresidente · Accepted Answer

He's selfish. You wouldn't have to ask me twice. You're honestly gonna have to talk with him about it that he should consider helping you with your needs more. If he can't be trusted to go out of his way for you in small things, he probably won't do it for bigger things.