How to introduce sexual abstinence into a relationship?

[Anonymous]

Sometimes I feel like the only reason my boyfriend is with me is because of sex. I had it with him the same week we met and feel like I gave it up too early. My inner critic has gotten so bad to the point where I feel likeI should refrain from sex for a bit to make sure he's not there for only that. I'm not sure how to introduce the idea though.

[MrOracle]

Here's how:

"We can't be together anymore - I'm moving out."

If you think you can take sex away from a man and remain in a romantic relationship with him, you are DELUSIONAL. Be honest with him, and be prepared to move out, and for your relationship to be over. It's better than lying to him, or "faking it", and he can move on and find someone he's compatible with - and so can you (maybe).

[TheSpaceGnome]

Accurate.

[Asker]

We're not living together lmao. We've been together for one month and I'm already sick of it. He's not filling my needs in terms of effort. I was happier before this relationship.

[Asker]

I've wanted to end this relationship so many times it's not even funny. Why should I have sex when he doesn't seem to do anything for me in return. Sounds like breaking up is what's best for me at this point. At least I'm not getting used.

[KrakenAttackin]

One month? What's the problem, just move TF on down the list of your orbiters.

[Asker]

@KrakenAttackin I am at this point. I'm doing all the giving, not getting anything in exchange. I feel like a loser honestly. I guess this is why they say don't give it up so fast.

[MrOracle]

Yes, if you're having this level of problem after a month, it tells me that: 1. You rushed into this relationship way too fast. 2. You didn't make any real effort to learn his morals, values, or life goals. 3. You set no boundaries or expectations up-front. That's a recipe for relationship disaster, and, no surprise, that's what you've got. Time to pull the EJECT handle, and next time, put in the work UP FRONT, BEFORE you commit to a guy or give him sex, and make sure he's ALREADY the kind of guy you want - and, again, I'm talking about morals, values, and life-goals. Do NOT expect him to change or that you can change him; he won't and you can't. It makes no difference how attracted you are to a guy - if he isn't the kind of guy you need him to be, then you need to forget him and move on, because he's never going to BECOME the kind of guy you need him to be. If I told you "you've got to pick ONE dinner meal, and you're going to eat that meal for dinner for the rest of your life", you'd probably think long and hard about what meal you picked. That's essentially what you're doing when you pick a man - and you need to understand that he's not going to change, or, at least, he's not going to IMPROVE (he may change for the worse, but almost never for the better), so he'd better be what you want ALREADY.

[MrOracle]

I'm glad you've decided to end your unhealthy relationship. Please read what I wrote and make sure you put in the work and make better choices in the future. Better choices almost always mean better outcomes.

[Asker]

Thanks man. I honestly just keep reading your message for inspiration.

[MrOracle]

Good. I hope you let it sink deep into your brain. Society gains nothing by you being miserable and having bad relationships and letting men use you. It's much better for everyone, ESPECIALLY YOU, if you make the right choices and have a happy, healthy, fulfilling relationship, and so I hope that in the future, you do.

[Asker]

That's true. Thank you so much. Of course I'm a little upset about the entire situation but I needed to hear that. Also you are so right about the change thing. I tried to get him to change to put in more effort. And every time he would put in more effort until he got sex again. Then after sex, poof. After I go home it's like I'm single.

[Asker]

I feel like the thing that's going to help me stay strongest is knowing that he lost something and I lost nothing.

[MrOracle]

The big danger is that you're always going to be tempted to pick guys because they're hot, rich, or popular, and so they give you those butterflies in your stomach. The problem is that ALL girls are attracted to those guys - and there aren't very many of those guys (they're basically top 10%, maybe even top 5%), so those guys all have TONS of girls who want to be with them. When that happens, you get guys who never need to commit, and they can sleep with as many girls as they like and put in nearly no effort. As soon as a girl becomes inconvenient - often because she "wants more" - he can dump her and replace her in an hour. It's REALLY important that you are choosing guys based on their having morals, values, and COMPATIBLE life-goals instead. You don't have to pick total trolls in looks, but you probably aren't going to find a guy who is super hot who also has good morals and values - those things rarely go together. The thing is, if a guy isn't willing to give anything back to the relationship, is him being hot going to be enough to satisfy you? Of course not, which is why there's little point in picking a partner that way - even though your stomach will try to convince you otherwise.

[kylee2437]

So just be careful doing this. He will now take it as rejection and feel like you are losing interest or potentially cheating on him. If you really feel this way, why are you with him? Why are you trying to test him? I think you need to put your thinking cap on and figure out a way to express your feelings without directly saying “I feel like all you care about is sex with Me” . Express your needs/wants etc. you can’t expect to fix a problem without properly communicating with him

[anon1903]

Communicate that to him. If he leaves you, he's trash. You're better off without trash. Your issue here seems valid, and if he can't respect it, tough fucking tomatoes.

[Asker]

Yeah girl it evolved into a whole argument he started saying bs like only boys cry over women and started avoiding some of the things I was saying. at some point this man sent a picture of his dog in response to what I was saying. needless to say, I left cause wtf. he wasn’t even taking it seriously

[anon1903]

You don't deserve to take crap fr him. Good for you!

[genericname85]

men express and recieve love and validation through sex. take that away and he'll most likely leave you. not cause sex was all he wanted from you but because you tore down one of the pillars that are the foundation of your relationship. so in a sense you're testing if it's alive by killing it. not a smart move.

[Asker]

But I receive love and validation through effort and I feel like I don't receive that from him. Effort is one of my pillars. And I've been holding on even though it's not there.

[Asker]

I've already addressed it. And he puts in effort sometimes but it's always before sex. After sex it drops.

[Asker]

And I'm constantly worried because of it. It makes me feel like I'm nothing more than my body to him. It hurts to the point I would be more happy than sad if he left because sex was the basis of what I was to him.

[genericname85]

ok, here's a weird question: do you think you're good enough for him?

[Asker]

clearly not I guess, I try to be.

[genericname85]

xD yeah you're making it funny. that's endearing :D but seriously. i wasn't asking a trick quesiton or something. do you think you are good enough for him? do you feel like someone like you would deserve someone like him? i'm just asking from what resonates from within you to this question. it's not about what me, him or someone else may think.

[Asker]

hmm. honestly no, I dont think I deserve him. I think I deserve someone better. someone more emotionally available and more romantic.

[genericname85]

cool. well it's difficult to know hat you can expect right? like hat you're hoping for ina perfect world and what reality is are rarely the same. so i understand that there's things he will do before he gets sex and then after sex, that thing is lacking. what is that exactly?

[Asker]

Effort. He's always super romantic before but not really after. After sex, his response times drop, responses become single words. He's ready to take me back home. In fact we never even hang out anymore unless it's at his place. Then he starts touching me and there's no real way to resist it.

[genericname85]

before and not after. what exactly does that mean? what time frames are we speaking about here. i'm having a hard time picturing the situation here. like you basically have no relationship to speak off, no date nights, not much communication going. and then like once in awhile you go over, then he's like romantic for 10 minutes to get into your pants and then after sex that's it with romance? is that how it goes down?

[Chris_Morgan]

Good relationships require an emotional connection as well as a sexual one. If you aren't getting enough of an emotional connection and love from him that's probably something to discuss with him and decide if you two are compatible. Withholding sex is a bit of a manipulative tactic that can actually backfire and push your partner to date others or cheat. It's always best to communicate your needs and see if things can be improved or a compromise can be made.

[Guy13]

Tell him straight-up that you are no longer having sex. It is your body.

[LazerBean]

Just tell him that's what you want. But in all reality it's was easier to start off that way rather than introduce it later on.

[Sixgunsound]

If you think he’s only there for that, he probably is only there for that. Most women can generally recognize things like that very easily.

[Wubs3000]

Tell him and hope he doesn't break up with you. Its a hard pill to swallow for sure

[AsaKyo]

Can't go backwards now lmao

[Ironic_Method]

I mean if I was dating a girl I really liked and she stopped having sex I'd first mention that it's not sustainable. Sex isn't everything, but for me it is necessary.

[TroyDT2]

Yeah, probably better single. The problem is that once that bridge has been crossed it is difficult to pull back without the other person interpreting it as a rejection.

[Shamalien]

There is no going backwards in a relationship.

[Twalli]

It's harder to do since you've already had it with him.

[KrakenAttackin]

Ha! Good luck. By telling him no sex you will be breaking up with him.

[peterrezeeek]

Don't be cheap Guys don't like cheap girls to have a long relationship with. Because they realize that you are available for sex with others, as you did with him.. Marry first

[OddBeMe]

Why be so stupid?

[Rudon00]

Make a solemn promise between you both. If he understands its because he loves and deeply of cares about if not. Then I will advice you get out of that relationship

[Rudon00]

Very good my friend. Build a high self esteem about yourself.

[Anonymous]

Then be single if you don't want to have sex. You shouldn't expect other people not too especially after already having sex