I don’t know if we are just friends with benefits? Any perspectives?

I’ve been ‘seeing a guy’ for 4 months now. We speak constantly everyday back and forth and see one another but I’ve kind of realised that we just go to each other’s houses, chill, watch a movie and have sex and a sleepover. But we speak everyday.

We’ve spoken about dates and he always says we will go then but we don’t. I confronted him the other night about it and he sent me a huge paragraph saying how sorry he is that we haven’t went on one and that we will soon and that he’s going through a lot right now and how he always tells his friends how much he appreciates me and how I always drive up to see him since I live far and in the paragraph telling me how attractive I am. But I’m starting to feel like he does it to keep me there and feeling sweet? He’s been saying this for four months about a date.

it’s not even like I ask to go on dates? He brings it up and says ‘let’s go for food’ or let’s go here then says ‘Come to my house’ last minute at 9/10pm. I’m starting to think I’m getting sold dreams and manipulated here to stick around since we have good sex? It’s been 4 months and he is still saying he hasn’t had the time but he always goes clubbing with his friends?

I’m also not sure if he sees other people and if it’s okay for me to ask this? I mean I am sleeping with him? He told me how he dosent want a relationship at the moment since he’s so busy but he still wants to see me and talk and stuff. I’m just unsure what to do because I like him and I don’t want him to sleep with other people if he’s sleeping with me?
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Superb Opinion

  • It seems you are confused about something that REQUIRES absolute clarity, so let me explain.

    Western society - and really, even in other places too - has changed MASSIVELY since the radical feminism push in the 1960s, so the relationship expectations that you have were obviously from pre-1960s, and your mom or your grandmother failed to adjust them for the modern times. Essentially, you were taught expectations and values that are out-of-step in modern times. What was once the norm has become the exception.

    Specifically, when two people get together in the 21st century, the default expectation is NOT "committed relationship", but rather "casual sex" or "friends with benefits." That's what you will ALWAYS get unless you specifically and clearly specify from the start that you are only looking for a committed relationship. Yes, this is different than it was for all generations prior to the 1980s - the big shift happened in the late 60s and 70s - and LOTS of people are still being taught expectations that are long out of date, and then are surprised when they fail. It's not your fault what you were taught, but you're an adult, and the world is a harsh place at times, and you need to understand how it ACTUALLY works if you hope to be able to navigate in it successfully.

    You may get the guy you are with to agree to a formal commitment, but don't be shocked if he doesn't. Your mistake was not clarifying this 4 months ago. Instead of taking charge of the situation, you just let it happen without any boundaries or expectations, and when you do that, that road leads to Friends With Benefits, not to commitment land.

    Hopefully you can work it out, but if not, then in the future, if a committed relationship is what you want, then that's what you need to hold out for, and any guy who you'd consider dating needs to know that up-front. Yes, this will cause many guys - even (and probably especially) the really hot, really dreamy guys who you really, REALLY like - to walk away, and you have to be able to let them go. Otherwise, you'll end up back on friends with benefits island.

Most Helpful Guy

  • Cassie... it sounds like he can't make a commitment and you might want a bit more. Is he in it for just the sex? How is the sex with him by the way?

    I think you have to sit down with him and tell him that you might want to take things to the next level besides just being a friend and a fuck toy.

    • I’m guessing that he is just in it for that. It is very good with him like he’s the best one I’ve been with especially since he’s a bit older. But at the same time it’s been 4 months and I’m getting bored of staying in all the time and he always promises dates

    • I agree with u Cassie. I think he is just loving the sex which is great! but... it is time for him to make a decision and/or commitment! How old is he? Maybe it is time to put things on hold for a bit and let him get use to jerking off again or more often! Your thoughts?

    • He is 28 and I’m 20. Yeah definelty it’s just I don’t like the thought of him getting with someone else. That’s why I’m starting to feel like I care a lot more since I’d be very upset if I found he got with someone else.

Most Helpful Girl

  • After four months you should get clarification on that. It sounds like he might be trying to keep you around for sex or has a girlfriend and your the side person.

    You just need to have the talk with about what you want out of it. If it isn't working for you, then need to move on.

    • I’m unsure really. He’s 29 and I’m 20 so there is a age gap. He also was in a 17 year relationship which he came out of just 2 months before he met me. They also have 2 children. I do see that she still has photos up of them together, she also still shares his business page but I always think to myself if he has a girlfriend how would he text me so often. It does sound like this though

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What Girls & Guys Said

0 4
  • Your description sounds like the definition of friends with benefits. Enjoy!

  • I have a girl who is a friend with benefits and we do hang out mostly at her place get some take out watch a movie and then have sex but that's it no strings attached. When you have a friend's with benefits you should have no emotional feelings it suppose to be only physical. And honestly if it only physical he probably is sleeping with other girls. He is just trying to keep you around just in case he does not have a girl to have sex with at that time

  • friends with benefits.

  • you're just an easy fucktoy for him, not someone he wants to date

    if you want to date him you have to talk to him seriously about it

    • I do want to date him. But since he’s 29 and I’m 20 he’s just came out of a 16 year relationship 4 months ago with a woman he has 2 kids with. so I just don’t think he would be ready. I mean he has said he will take me out on dates but I’m guessing he just will do it to make me happy and keep me round

    • are you okay with him just using you for sex? if you are, just go with that and stop bothering him about it, he's looking for an easy lay

    • The thing is the sex is really good between us but me as a person can’t handle the fact that he can have sex with whoever he wants while having sex with me. I’m not a person who can share. From a mans perspective how comes do you think he’s promising dates to me then and sending paragraphs about how he will sort it out soon?

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