I feel that my friend is being insensitive to my culture; what should I do?

[Anonymous]

(Pic is somewhat related but I picked it because GAG made me add a picture)

We've been friends for about nine years (which shouldn't matter and honestly it doesn't matter to me, but does a lot to her, which could be why she feels that it's okay to do these things).

I'm black, grew up in suburban New York, and she's white and lived in different places, but very rural and conservative locations each time.

For a while, everything was good between us and we were two peas in a pod. But as I get older, I'm a bit sad to say that I think that I feel myself distancing, because there are some things that she does (whether new, or I'm just more aware of; I honestly had awful self-esteem which blinded me from some things).

For example, she has this complex with black men. I have a younger brother who I love dearly who will grow up to be a black man (in this day and age, every day that I see him is a miracle and I worry a lot for his safety). But when she would tell me a story, if a threatening looking man is in the story, she'll put great emphasis on him being black if he's black. One time she told me that a (white) girl that we knew in high school went on to do "porn with black men!!!!". Just saying that she works in the porn industry would've been enough. Once we were at the movies and saw this guy with some really nice locs and she snickered and told me that he looks like "a black caveman". I didn't know how to feel about that but it was a weak attempt at humor to me so I didn't laugh but said that he and his hair look awesome to me (which was true!). She also recently dated a black guy, but from other context I feel that she just did it to rebel. I'm into black, white, whatever race, if they're nice and attractive, I don't care. But I've never made a big deal to put emphasis on it like she does.

Also, it's like she thinks that black culture is cool, but only the "palatable" parts like the music and Madea movies. My entire life I was pressured and told that my Afro-textured hair is gross (one time in middle school I came to school with my natural hair and she even said that she can "fix" my hair *when I wore it straight I let her French braid it in class* and after raking through it and complaining that it was oily in a disgusted tone, she finally left it alone and looked at me with pity. I went back to getting relaxers for 4 more years).

When I started college and decided to embrace my natural hair for good (which took a lot of strength; hair means a lot in black culture, because for centuries it was always controlled by other people and white standards), she asked me why I cut my hair. When I tried explaining to her why and how for me it wasn't a trend but a matter of health and self-acceptance, it was like she got bored and just dismissed it.

We went out to lunch with a friend and when that friend also asked me, instead of sharing what I told her or at least letting me speak, she trivialized my experience down to being "a hair coloring mishap from a hairstylist," which was completely wrong. It's like she likes how my culture is so "edgy" but doesn't care for our struggles (her actions don't give the impression, although she says that racism is wrong). For other reasons, I just kept quiet and distant for the rest of the day, I didn't want to get into it at that time in front of a new friend.

I've met friends since graduation from other places who are more aware and understanding, and it's such a great feeling to talk to them about my deepest issues with my identity as a black woman. I've also caught myself texting her less and less (unintentionally), and she'll text me something like "just wanted to say that I love and miss you".

The majority of the time, we have a good time together. Really, in this entry I just extracted all that makes me upset. I want to bring it up next time it happens (discussion is healthy), but don't know how.

(my end is also really acting stupid and may put this under sexual behavior..I tried to fix it, but it won't work. It was supposed to be in the friends category but I give up; but if you can still give me advice for my question, thanks!)