I had an affair. My wife had a threesome with 2 of my "friends" to get even. What should I do?

This happened 21 years ago. I found out about it by seeing a sex tape online about 12 years ago and was in denial about it until recently. It's only in the past 3 years that I've allowed myself to believe it. We've been married for 24 years & have a 9 year old son. My affair lasted about 2 months and was conducted exclusively online via chat rooms with the exception of one night. I know what I did was wrong. I even came clean with her about it back then, allowing her to "chat" with the other woman online. I never admitted to having sex but have no doubt that she's known since that conversation. I've questioned her about her threesome. I know for a fact she did it but she won't admit it. Should I admit what I did & hope she'll do the same? We've been together most of our lives & I don't want to end the marriage. It's killing me inside. What should I do?
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Most Helpful Girls

  • Normally, I'd go off and make a sarcastically smart comment about what's done is done, that you screwed up your relationship and opened the door for it to come back around to you; however, you already know all that, and you're fully aware of your mistake and came (mostly) clean about it.

    This COULD potentially blindside her, since this happened so long ago (choose the time wisely to bring this up); however...

    I would say, since she was able to chat with the other woman, it's highly likely that she does know you had sex. That being said, I say to just confirm/admit what your wife probably already knows... that you had sex. I'd say to do this FIRST, before confronting your wife about the threesome.

    Regarding your wife's situation, I'd say to bring it up again and ask her about it. If she still vehemently denies it, then I'd say to have the evidence on hand and show her. (It's no secret men watch porn, so I think the fact that you stumbled across it likely watching online porn is the least of your worries.) I don't know if you're still friends with the two friends from the threesome, but if worse comes to worst, you could confront them about it & ask them admit to it, then tell your wife if they admitted to it (or use reverse psychology on her and say they admitted to it, even if they didn't.) I don't know what your wife is like, so only you know how to best approach her about this.

    After all that, I'd say don't leave things just there. Once you fully admit to having sex with the other woman, and hopefully she fully admits (perhaps if/when confronted by the evidence) to the threesome, you two can have some serious conversations about where to go from there, regarding openness/honesty in your marriage.

    • Edit: Nevermind about having the evidence on hand; I read your other responses that you can't find it online anymore.

    • We actually talked about it once a couple of months ago. She knows that I know & I know that she knows. We're both just still afraid to admit it to each other. If you were in her situation & I admitted it to you, would you admit it, too? Just looking for a female perspective.

    • If I were in your situation, I would admit it. My reason would be because there's that unspoken knowledge of what the both of us have done. At that point, it's like the ruse is up, there's no point in hiding it, or trying to hide it (especially given that it was recently brought up, so it didn't just come out of nowhere.)

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  • Cheaters will never voluntarily admit what they did to their spouses face when they're accused, it's different if you just tell her because you personally want to. It seems to me you two obviously have a mistrust, however keep in mind that happened 21 years AGO yours was obviously more recent and it shows you let it bug you and you began to resent your wife, you're not 16 you shouldn't need to "get even" clearly there was something you were getting online and not your wife. It's also emotionally cheating not only physically, hers was a video yours lasted over a period time. Instead of mending and forgiving your wife you wanted to seek revenge is that love?

    • I think you have it backwards. I didn't seek revenge, she did. Also, I didn't get anyone pregnant & hide it for 20 years, she did.

    • Right sorry I got lost in reading, but did you afterwards only started doing the online and hook up once solely because you felt like your wife was hiding something from you? Or did you genuinely want to see whats out there and try it for yourself..

    • I was the one who cheated first. I wasn't looking to, it just developed over a few weeks.

  • Youve been married for so long you might as well stay married. I mean yeah it hurts like hell but it happened so long ago. The choice is yours hun you either work it out or if you feel like you can't work it out and it hurts too much then divorce her. you're at that age now where if you are single again its going to be really hard to find someone and you might be lonely till the end of your days. Think about it.

    • I don't want a divorce, I just want us to both admit it & move on if we can.

Most Helpful Guys

  • It's like this bro... You cheated on her and betrayed her trust... You opened that door!
    Now... I can understand why you would think her being with two other men in a threesome would be much worse than what you did... But again, you opened that door!
    I say let sleeping dogs lye.
    If she could forgive you, you can forgive her for jumping off the deep end (due to your affair) with two of your so called friends.
    Would you be surprised to hear from her that she did it to spite you?
    You shouldn't be.
    However... I think that if this is something that is truly bothering you... You should bring this up in a marriage counseling session... if you're going to bring up 21 year old memories for her and for you... You need to have a professional mediate to help walk you both through the emotions that inevitably will crop up.

    • I know you're right & I appreciate it. Thanks. I just can't let it go. If I came clean back then, shouldn't she have, too?

    • Well... You "sort of" came clean... You didn't admit to sex... And neither did she. Besides... I'm sure these things come with guilt and shame associated with the act. Imagine she had this threesome out of spite thinking she was going to "get even" with you, and even possibably divorce you... Then after the fact you two were on the mend, and she felt shame and decided not to tell you because she regrets it... And perhaps she felt justified, but decided it was better not to hurt your feelings.

  • I'm all for truth but Because it happened a while back I think you should drop it. You fucked up she got even ( she fucked up) and in her mind it's done she stayed with you because she loves you. I would bet money that she just thought if he does it I'm going to to it too. What's done is done let it go for your child and for your sanity). By the way Your betrale probably hurt her more because you had love afair over a period of time what she did was fuck your friends because she was pissed off and hurt. Let it go or move out hate to say it but those are your choices but think of your child he dosent deserve to be a victim of both of your mistakes

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • It happened 21 years ago... maybe it's best to just let it go and move on. You have seen many ups and downs in this relationship. I'm sure he has an inkling of what happened, but if she hasn't brought it up in the last 21 years, why do it now? It's best not to bring skeletons out of the closet now after all this time.

    • It new to me. I also feel like what she did was worse than what I did.

    • Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, I think. I think she was just trying to find a way to get back at you. But the thing is, you both have done things you regret. Neither of you are victims here.

    • After hiding it from me for 20 years, the only thing I regret is telling her about my affair in the first place.

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  • Sweet Jesus!!! Let it go!!! If you can't, find a good therapist and process it there.

  • If it's killing you inside you're not a man. You know you did it you know she did it. Big fucking deal. You have a relationship and from what you describe it is a good one. MoveOn. There are too many things in life to worry about. Sex is a physical thing and you know it. It feels good to have an orgasm. But a relationship is a lot different and you know that too. If your relationship is good drop the whole frigging physical part.. Do not be an immature asshole! You love each other. It's time to move on. Discussing this in an unwilling manner will only lead to resentment. Count your blessings

  • If you found the sex tape then why not bring it up to her? Can't deny the evidence. And come clean to her too, hopefully you can forgive each other and move on from it.

    • The tape was posted online 12 years ago & I can't find it now. I wish I could, I would definitely confront her with it.

    • Then I would just let her know you saw it, and to ask her to be truthful on if it was really her so you know.

    • Did that already. She denies it.

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  • So you cheated on her, and she got revenge by cheating on you with two guys at once? Shit, guess she won that round.

    Suck it up and put your big boy pants on. You took a shot with a pistol. She took a shot with a shotgun.

    You don't like bullets? Don't start shooting. Fair game, I say. Forget this high school shit and move on and don't sabotage your marriage. Sounds like the biggest threat to your marriage at the moment is your own insecurity.

  • Go talk to someone you can vent to and try to put all of this in the past. Re-bringing up these things will only open old wounds.

  • Bite the bullet and STFU. You cheated, she cheated, it's done. Move on and make things better.

    • she had a child...

    • @imanf7 I*'m NOT suggesting he leave. I'm suggesting he grow a pair and deal.

  • So you had sex and didn't tell your wife. And she had sex and didn't tell you. And your what mad at her? Here is what you do.. You have a 9 year old son. So your going to suck it up and stop acting like a complete moron. Your both idiots. But tough shit. Stop bringing it up. Stop acting like a pussy. Be a man and do what's best for your son. Once he is out of the house you can do whatever the fuck you want

  • Leave each other.

  • she's going to end up asking why you were looking for online porn and shit.

    • Let her ask.

    • i wouldn't agree with revenge, personally i'd just confront her about it. personally id make sure your kid isn't involved like he's not in the room so if she goes crazy or some shit he doesn't get upset

  • She played you pretty fucking well. I just don't understand why it's an issue now and I definitely don't understand why she won't just tell you. What's the fucking risk 24 years later? Nothing.

    • Exactly. Actually, I kind of respect the vicious, vindictive nature of how she chose to "get even". Like I said, I don't want a divorce, just a little honesty. Also, the way I see it, she didn't "get even", she "got over". I think this 24 year wife of mine owes me a little threesome action of my own now (no dudes, either). Maybe that's why she won't fess up, huh?

  • I found I was much more relaxed about things after 'getting even'. I'm surprised your wife isn't.
    Ask her without accusing her. It happened 21 years ago, are you sure nothing has happened since?

    • I admitted my affair the other night. She forgave me but still denies she did anything. It was so long ago that I wouldn't divorce her now & I told her so. There's all kinds of other circumstantial evidence so I'm still not entirely convinced, but at least my cards are on the table. I love her and I know she loves me. Mostly, I just feel like a total shit for causing the whole thing in the first place. I just wanted her to know that. It's not about my pride, it's about me forcing her into a situation where she was so hurt that she'd do something completely out of character. Anyway, I told her all of that & we're good. I just hope she isn't too ashamed to trust me with the truth.

  • Get a divorce. You're both cheating scum and you both deserve to be alone. But if it consoles you, your wife is worse than you are because she did it out of revenge. Petty.

  • Well boohoo. You cheated on her. What she did wasn't any worse than what you did, even though you think that to make yourself feel better about this.
    If you don't fedl like you want to continue this relationship, then end it. But don't think she is worse than you. You are both cheaters