I keep fantasizing about another guy, how do I get him out of my head?

[BlackCat999]

Before I met my boyfriend and while single, I had developed a crush on a friend of a friend about 4 years ago. At that time, I didn't try anything because I was unsure of his status and from what I heard he was in a complicated relationship. When we first met, we were both already drunk and alcohol made us be open, we spoke about personal stuff and all. I didn't do anything I would regret from what I got from my friends, it was just a fun night.

4 years passed and every year at the same date my friends have this huge party. Usually this person is there. I try to never really pay attention to him although we always end up talking, always friendly. For me honestly it was just out of ego and shyness that I didn't try anything. But, these last 2 years, it was out of respect for my boyfriend. Nothing special ever happened between us but I know I am usually happy and kind of anticipate the days before since I know he'll be there. The last year were easy to deal with since we don't speak outside of this party and, rarely have any contact. For me it was: I got a secret crush childish type of thing. I was happy like that and it was just fun.

This year was particular because I've been having issues with my boyfriend and our sex life is close to non existent. It's not about me, it's just communicating in general is hard and explaining what I'd like when it comes to sex is even harder. Takes things too personal.

This year my boyfriend accepted to come at the party and bummer, he decided to go to bed early. The guy was there and when everyone decided to go to sleep, he didn't forget to wish me good night, we spoke a bit, made a few jokes and that was it. I don't know, I guess I felt special... and the way his attitude got me excited, I even woke my boyfriend up for sex. I feel horrible... Since then, I can't seem to forget he exists.

I would not speak about this with my boyfriend since he already has low self esteem, this would hurt him... Help

[EmbraceThePain]

Well, I think everyone, perhaps even your boyfriend has fantasies about other people as this is normal. Now, I do want to say relationships aren't supposed to always be perfect and if you think your relationship with any human being is going to be perfect or good from start to finish then you are in doubt very wrong. Sometimes, things fade a bit, arguably, every relationship experiences this. You can think about this man all you want, but just don't act on anything. I think the issues in your relationship can be fixed and further communication with your boyfriend can do this.

[BlackCat999]

Thanks a lot for your response. You're right about everything. I didn't think out relationship would be perfect, I just didn't think it would this imperfect. I am a very faithful person so, I feel bad even thinking about someone else outside of my relationship in a sexual manner so... I feel like it's a guilty pleasure that I feel really guilty about since being in a relationship. My boyfriend and I will be going to couples therapy, I don't know if it's something I should mention to him then. I don't know

[JPresidente]

The reason you can't get him out of your head is a couple of reasons. First, your mind still views the relationship with this other guy as unclear so you keep circling back to him since you never resolved things - the attraction you feel and the connection you wanted to make. The other reason is that you're view this as the grass is greener on the other side - that things would be so much more different with this guy and maybe even better. Plus the sex will be "potentially" consistent and magical, unlike what you have now. The only way to get him out is to either break up with current boyfriend and pursue him OR trick your mind into thinking about something else when the other guy's image pops up in your head. Replace it with clown for example or someone you don't like.

[BlackCat999]

I think you're very right about your analysis, everything makes sense to me and it's true, I think it's a lot to do with the issues I am facing with my boyfriend now. He is a really nice guy, I think I maybe have to find also a way of getting over the attitude he had these last few months. He seems to have turned a new leaf, or at least trying to, so.. I feel like I should try too before breaking up. I am just wondering if I can trust what he shows. Only time will tell I guess, thanks a lot

[JPresidente]

Glad I could help. I hope it works out for you and your boyfriend. 👍😎

[midnightmoon05]

Sounds like you are not happy with your relationship.

[summiter]

I think many of us sometimes tend to wonder what it would be like if we hooked up or had a relationship with a past crush. It is normal to wonder what the sex would have been like. Good for you on holding out!

Why is your sex life with your current boyfriend not so good? How often are you two having sex? Maybe try to spice things up or do it more frequently?

[BlackCat999]

Thanks a lot for your help :) What makes me hold out is clearly because I know I'll see him next year and I'll be able to have my secret crush thing. It sounds childish but, I don't know, it makes me feel good. Since he's a friend of my friends, Facebook keeps proposing we become friends I see his pictures and all, plus we are bound to meet up at my friends gatherings. My boyfriend has a hard time accepting that my desires have evolved from when we met and that, I need more connection now. Plus he's become super comfortable and not really putting in efforts anymore, not really taking his time and being flirtatious or anything like that. I tried explaining nicely once but he got super defensive and now we can't even really speak of sex like that. So, I don't do any efforts to get it and he is brooding. It's been at least 6months now that things have became rocky, it's happening just now and then and it just seems off. The other guy, just by being himself and joking around with me, made me feel good. He acts confident.. I mean, things my boyfriend just stopped doing.

[summiter]

I hate to be judgmental but I think things are not good with your current boyfriend. Things are not going to get better and life is short. Do you think it is time to move on? Maybe PM me if you want to chat... you will always get an honest answer from me... hang in there.

[SnowedIn]

Time. It's the only solution, I'm sorry. I've been in this boat. Love your boyfriend and be grateful for him while having the memories. In time they'll fade. Sometimes it takes a long time. Best wishes in this.

[20yearsolder]

This is probably bad advice but if you didn't answer your sex life with your boyfriend then I think you should continue to fantasize about the guy. Even though he doesn't know why you're horny, your boyfriend benefits from it

[BlackCat999]

I am not going to lie your last sentence made me laugh a lot. But seriously, I feel like I'd be unfaithful even though it's all in my imagination. I'd feel like I'd be going into it with the wrong intentions, I don't know if you get what I mean.

[20yearsolder]

I totally understand what you mean, I don't know how you clear your head. I don't know how you make your imagination stop processing that he turns you on

[Summeroflove]

Stop looking at him like a sex object and repent.

[AviatorTom]

Go have sex with him. That will get him out of your head.

[Stevefiveo]

Sounds like you like your crush more than your boyfriend. You're not married to your boyfriend so break up with him and be with your crush. Good luck.

[BlackCat999]

Uhm... Well, that may be true but I don't feel like I can say I like this guy from just sporadically speaking to him. Maybe I should follow your advice but I still want to try saving my relationship first, if all hell breaks loose then, I guess I know what to do then 😊

[Stevefiveo]

Well you know the situation and who would be better for you. Good luck.

[In_Trance]

I think you need to rail the other guy

[BlackCat999]

Lmao! Uhm - I think I probably don't need to be doing that, maybe only in my mind but that's a dangerous game

[CharlieDMX]

Stop obsessing over fantasizing with him and he'll drift away from your imagination. Nothing wrong with dreaming of him, but you feeling bad for it will not make him go away

[BlackCat999]

Well feeling bad about it is a first step... But seriously, I've already tried not thinking about it but now it's kind of coming out of nowhere. Like, supposed I was thinking about an issue with my boyfriend, my mind would shift to thinking about better times with the other guy. It's like a coping thing

[CharlieDMX]

The mind tends to wander to better memories. I still think you are giving the fantasies too much importance subconsciously. If you start rationalizing that those fantasies are normal and stop feeling bothered about having them, then they should pass. If that doesn't happen, seek a therapist

[sexdrive69]

just go and fuck him already

[BlackCat999]

Do you believe cheating is an option? Yeah, if I was single, I'd have given this a thought but sometimes things are best left to imagination. I still could have been deceived, and then what, I have no crush anymore 🤣

[Anonymous]

Don’t get rid of him just fuck him and let him not know of your whereabouts or who are you. Your body and heart are telling you you need his cock and your mind is telling you to fight those thoughts.
It’s an emotional internal battle. So if you know of him, just don’t let him know who you’re just find a way and make out with him. Sleep not with bad intention but with good intentions. One time thing or once in a while is fine. Would you stop going to church if you’ve god in your heart. Home TV is home TV, Dolby theatre is Dolby.


If you think it’s against relationship. It your choice. People however would call or name things. Your life is yours, yours bodily pleasures are yours to totally care for, and your body has an expiry date so use it when you’ve chance. Live a little for yourself.