I think I'm literally afraid of having sex. Help?

[Anonymous]

Just thinking about ever doing it gives me anxiety, I can't imagine ACTUALLY doing it. It's gotten me to the point where in afraid to even be in a relationship for fear that sex will come up, like it has in the past, and it will be awful and I'll have some sort of panic attack or something or throw up. I've never had any experiences good or bad with sex so I don't know why I have these feelings. I do masturbate and it's always fine, I've even watched p*rn before, but the thought of ME doing it with someone freaks me out. Bad. WHY DO I FEEL LIKE THIS I DONT WANT THESE FEELINGS

[thetundrawolf]

This is an over- sexed world we live in.

Sex has become essential to any and every relationship- even between people who are not dating.

Yet, our society is suffering. Divorce is at an all time high. Drugs use, violence- at no time in history are more people being treated for depression, and on antidepressant medication.

Could there be a cause? I think so.

There is no single more intimate activity than sexual congress between two human beings. None. No greater feeling of ecstasy than the orgasm, and no better afterglow can be found. I have taken many drugs, I know.

What your spirit is saying is true. You only get one chance to give your body to someone, then you are no longer a virgin. I assume you are... It was designed to forever bond you to a worthy man, someone who wants to devote his life to you, after he has gotten to know you in celibacy. Sex is the thing that cements him to you, relieves stress, bonds, covers over hurt, brings excitement to your marriage.

You should want those feelings, they are keeping you from devaluing the act of sex, until it is little more than some exercise, and a small release of dopamine. (Which is it for people who have it a lot, with many people.)

Sadly, those people have their consciences seared, and the opposite sex means less to them. Do not end up like that. Ideally, you should only ever have sex with one person in your lifetime, your spouse.

Don't fight these feelings and become an empty person, covering over their sorrow with more sex- leaving them more empty than before.

As much as it is going to suck, try and stop masturbating. I resist the urge, although I do still do it sometimes. And STOP watching porn. That only makes the urge stronger.

[Asker]

What

[thetundrawolf]

WHY do you feel like you NEED to be having sex? I am trying to tell you how important it is, try to understand what I am saying. I get the feeling you are getting sucked into the popular idea that sex goes hand in hand with dating.

[Asker]

Yeah that whole "sex goes hand in hand with dating" isn't really what I was getting at at ALL. My point was that I'm literally afraid to have sex EVER and I highly doubt that will change if I ever got married. I feel Lik I "NEED" to have sex, maybe not any time soon, but I would like to have children one day and rumor has it, the easiest way to do that is sex. I don't feel the need to have it now, but one day it may come up.

[Asker]

I guess what I was getting at with my "what" is that I'm not sure what divorce rates or drug use or even masturbating have to do with my fear of sex. And reading your initial answer again it seems like you think that when I find "the right guy," as everyone likes to say, this fear will magically go away cause I'm with THE person I'm supposed to be with. My thing is that I do not think it will just go away if I get married, it's not just that I don't want to do it, it's that I get anxiety just thinking about ever doing and would probably have a panic attack if I ever actually did do it. You wouldn't tell a person who is afraid of spiders that they would be 100% fine with holding a spider if the right person put a spider on their hand. That's not how any fear works. Maybe that's not what you were going for in your answer but that's what I got out of it and if that's not what you were going for then I'm totally open to whatever you have to say.

[thetundrawolf]

I understand you. You have a lot of anxiety- I get that. You know how much anxiety I had with my last GF? Tons. I opened up to her a lot, in nearly every way I possibly could- terrified of the outcome. I literally tore down so many walls, walls of terror, with fear- mortar- because she was worth it. When you do meet the right guy, my advice is to open up to him. You are afraid now. But when you realize that he is opening himself up to you, being vulnerable- it means you must do the same. You must open yourself up to him, too- and that includes your fear of sex. Do not use it as a crutch for sympathy- it must be overcome, and that is some scary stuff. Trust me, I know. When you overcome that boundary, when you learn to enjoy him, you will find it to be a very satisfying activity, that bonds you to a man who loves you more than any other woman.

[shessoheavy]

It sounds to me like you may be an asexual, like me. An asexual is someone who does not feel any sexual attraction. Asexuality is a sexual orientation and like any other is just the way you were made. Asexuals can experience romantic and aesthetic attraction however. So, you could find someone to be handsome/ beautiful and want to form relationships but with no or little desire to engage in sexual intercourse with anyone; though some asexuals don’t feel those forms of attraction either. There are also grey areas where you may only experience sexual attraction occasionally. Also masturbation is related to sex drive or libido not always sexual attraction. Do you think of sex with another individual while you masturbate? I don't and in fact I can't. Either way you are completely normal. If any of this resonates with you I strongly suggest looking up AVEN for more information. Best of luck!

[FunTastyLady]

I think that you are confusing the feelings you have towards the actual sex act.

First, I'd assume that you are closer in age to 24 than 18. Second, what scares you about sex is most likely the idea you've made of it in your mind. Third, there is an invisible pressure to have sex in society that we all feel obliged to comply with, otherwise we feel like we are not normal...

I think that all of those factors are contributing to your fear of having sex...

In order to feel more relaxed, you would need to perform the act with someone you've known for a while, feel very comfortable around and who is aware of your fear of intimacy. Don't rush it for the sake of doing it once and for all. When the right person comes, you'll feel drawn to going further with them (sexually speaking).

[bombamboum]

Only a professional could help you understand why you feel this way. As for having actual sex, it could help you to take things really slowly, step by step.

[AustinMan]

A little time with a good therapist would probably be a good idea. There's some underlying stuff that needs to be dealt with. I suspect that once you're past this hurdle, you be nigh unto a sex goddess. Good luck!!

[LenoxS]

obviously means your not ready to have sex yet. Give it time. When your body AND mind are ready, you'll know. Sounds like your trying to force yourself to be ready.

Just wait, honey!

Unless you wanna try it with a pro! then give me a call! ;)

JUST KIDDING!!

Really though, i'd wait till your ready. Your body will know when your ready.

[Anonymous]

See a professional therapist.