I Want To Be Loved

[Anonymous]

It's incomplete at this point as I've just started not long ago but I would really appreciate any constructive criticism.

My heart was going to explode and shoot right into outer space. It was always this way. Why couldn't anybody just love me unconditionally. There were always conditions. I've loved so many things with an undying passion and never understood why it was never returned.

This last one really got me going. He was the last straw and it totally sent me over the edge. Just another Joe blow really but to me it was another confirmation of my unworthiness.

He used, "You're such a sweet woman... you really are. It's just I think I'm a bad influence on you and I'm actually going out to have a drink with someone tonight.. I just thought you should know." My blood started boiling. I truly did like him and it was clearly another rejection.

"What's wrong with me?"- A question I ask myself on the daily. I was so filled with anger and seriously intense emotional pain that I actually had a dream later that night about purposely cutting myself all over my body; something I did as a teenager. I woke up feeling really uneasy. In real life when I heard the shitty news I screamed into a pillow so loud that my roommate knocked on my door and asked if I was okay. I laughed it off and said I was fine but any sensible person would probably think I was having some kind of nervous breakdown.

Did I really have to send the text? Probably not.. but I did. "Have fun on your date. That's cool but I don't need your fucking pity. You're too old for me anyways. Don't bother messaging me again.". Of course he never did because it came off as a little (or more than a little?) psychotic. All it did was confirm everything that I hated about myself. I was pretty hurt and wanted someone else to feel the way that they had made me feel.

I've had a lot of problems with relationships. I always said I was crazy but one of my councilors kept trying to reinforce that I wasn't. She would probably shrivel up and die if she had to live a day inside of my head. What I portray on the outside is a very small fraction of the truth.

There was a meeting back a few weeks ago that I had with my psychiatrist. I had been doing really well for months which was awesome. We started talking about relationships, particularly with men, and I completely broke down crying. I didn't realize how much that part of my life was effecting me.

Loneliness was something I had been blocking out for a while. The only time I ever really thought about it was when I was laying in bed at night in the dark with my eyes open wishing anything... even a ghost or something would lay beside me and hold me. Very sad, to some pathetic, but in my case a reality that I tried very hard to ignore. The more I thought about it the more pain and isolation I felt which was something deeply rooted inside me since I was a little girl. I couldn't bare to bring it to the surface.

Leaving the appointment I actually felt awesome. Talking about things always seemed to help. I missed a lot of appointments because I was lazy and depressed sometimes but whenever I went I always wondered why I waited so long.

A doctor prescribed me medication that I couldn't take with alcohol or I would become sick. I told her that I had a friend coming down for the weekend and wanted to know if 24 hours after the last dose was enough time to be able to have some drinks with her. She said it would be fine.

One drink turned into six and six drinks turned into smoking cigarettes which I hadn't done in months. I suddenly felt a freedom, most people just call it alcohol, that took away my loneliness. I turned into this happy, outgoing and super fun person that night. We were at the bar and made new "friends". There were a couple of guys in the group and it honestly felt really good just to even to be talking to a guy. Any guy. I'm not sure if that comes off as promiscuous but the following events would convince some people that I'm a total a slut. I ended up taking this random guy home. Yes, it was that guy I sent the text to.

We had a threesome with my friend that was staying from out of town which is something I would normally never even consider. She was in an open relationship with her boyfriend so they were into that sort of thing. I had actually never done it before so it was kind of weird. It wasn't a horrible experience but I'll probably never do it again. In the morning I felt like a burning bag of dog shit that someone had stomped out on their front porch. My head was pounding and my mouth tasted like an ashtray. I turned over from facing the wall to go get some water and to my surprise there was someone in my bed. "Holy shit.... who the hell is in my bed?".

I stepped over the guy trying not to wake him up. He was really good looking so I guess that was a plus but still.. I was wondering what happened that night. I went out to the living room and my friend was sitting on the couch watching T.V. and gave me this look. We both started laughing because we looked so haggard. I had a fake eyelash hanging from my face and her hair looked like one giant dreadlock. "Uh... who the hell is that guy in my bed?", still laughing because it was kind of funny but super confusing. She said, "You don't remember bringing him home?". I stopped to think for a second but could only come up with, "No.... I really don't." She said "Neither do I.. I don't even remember how we got home.", and we were trying to stifle our hyena laughs. I felt super chemically imbalanced and needed some magic headache relief, a dark cave and a huge glass of water so I headed back to my room.

The guy was awake, probably from hearing us laugh. He was staring at me. I had no clue who this guy was but strangely enough felt good that someone was in my bed at all. "Look at you.. You're so pretty.". My stomach was completely filled with butterflies. That's when it all started. An incredibly unhealthy infatuation with a complete stranger. All the while I knew in the back of my mind that this had stemmed from the conversation I had with my psychiatrist. I knew it wasn't good... but it also didn't feel that bad. I had no idea we would keep seeing each other almost every day after what I assumed was a one night stand.