If I'm demisexual (NOT asexual) why do I masturbate frequently?

I've had sex with someone I developed a connection long ago. Unfortunately my first relationship was with a narcissist that fakes future and lies about wanting marriage. I've blocked him for all my social medias.

As a 36 year-old woman, meanwhile I find myself masturbating frequently, imagine being with a man and getting spanked in the bedroom, I don't find many men attractive and can't develop a connection with. I've already had two men (fake friends) that started groping me and I was grossed out. Otherwise I might have proceeded. I get disgusted if any man (even if he were ok in looks.. but I just don't feel it) were to touch me. It felt like trying to eat on a full stomach and someone force feeding me. It's like I would have to really be desiring him both emotionally and sexually in order to happen. This only happens once in a lifetime.

For example: Even when I was in my teens, I had a crush. When I was 14 I had a dream about losing my virginity to him; wet dream. However, I got disappointed with his personality quickly; he was arrogant. Then I never had a crush on any other guy in my HS ever again. The feelings died with that one crush.

Yet I'm able to fantasize about sex and getting spanked. But I can't never do casual sex. It's hard for me to like a man. I don't like many men.

Updates:
1 mo
I still like men, always have, still desired to be with one but when it comes to it, I get grossed out if any man were to start groping me and sex doesn't happen obviously.
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Most Helpful Guys

  • Being demi-sexual is about who and how you're attracted to someone - it doesn't mean you aren't sexual or horny. That's a completely separate thing. Being demi-sexual means that you can't be sexual WITH A MAN unless you love and respect him - it doesn't speak to what you do alone. Most demi-sexual people have typical sex drives - they just have to work a little harder to find a partner - which probably means that most of them do exactly what you're doing: taking matters into their own hands fairly often.

    • yeah but it's also about the timing too. A man trying to push for sex after meeting him for just 2 weeks or even a month would really be too way too early for me. How can someone share something so private in such a short time of meeting them? I'll never understand that. That wouldn't be enough time for me to form a bond.

    • I completely understand that. And you aren't wrong for feeling that way or having those standards - BUT, you must also accept that this puts you outside the norm, and so most people are not going to share these expectations and standards by default. This means it's going to be your responsibility to explain your standards to any prospective partner, and then they will have to decide if they can accept them or not - and if not, then you each move on. If you keep looking, you WILL find men who will accept this, but you will probably need to make some sacrifices as well. You aren't likely to keep the more desirable, successful men, because frankly, they have plenty of other options, and don't need to be kept waiting. This means accepting that the top 20-30% of men - as you'd rank them - are probably unavailable to you. It's a harsh reality, but accepting the truth allows you to make the best of the situation, rather than fighting a hopeless battle that you can never win.

  • There are plenty of men out there who doesn't want intercourse on the first couple of dates until they find a true meaning with someone. You just need to look beyond your pond to find those men. Maybe attend speed-dating events or niche events where folks are demisexuals. It may not be in every city but there is plenty out there.

    As for masturbating frequently, that's alright, as there are scientific benefits to it.

    Best of luck to you!

    • Thank you. Yes I think I have to find a man on my same page. If life granted me the wish of having a life partner to grow old with, whom I had a connection with... I would be down for sex frequently on every possible positions my fantasies created in my mind and be the spankee in the bedroom.

    • lol, he will be in for a ride of lifetime and will love you forever :) A piece of advise, put in the effort to seek beyond your region (even try online dating if that works for you), so that time doesn't fly away. In today's world, with everything going on in our life's, we tend to forget how quickly time passes by and it takes time to meet people, go on dates and then find that true one. I wish things works out for you!

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  • It sounds like you have some unresolved trauma. You might find a counselor or therapist. Lots of state insurances will cover mental health related stuff. If you work and have a good insurance with your job, they might even have benefits related to mental health, where you can talk to a counselor so many times a year over the phone, or something similar. Wherever you have medical insurance, you might call them up and see what your options are.

  • Because you not asexual as you said, so you have a sex drive, also you don't need developed a connection with yourself, masturbation don't count in that sense, even for a demisexual. I believe that being demisexual or asexual is more common among girls, guys tend to be more sexual than girls, so I am not surprised that you are a girl.

  • I thought a demisexual was a person only attracted to Demi Moore or Demi Lovato.

  • One "Person with a penis" opinion.
    I think masturbation is like enjoying the fragrance of fresh bread. The body reacts positively to its effect on the senses. It's the same for arousal and (even better) orgasm. It feels good and gives us a sense of well being.

    • yeah it feels good when I'm in my fantasies. Strangely during my periods, my arousal is at its peak, at a much higher level than usual.

    • Masturbation/orgasm is said to mitigate the effects of PMS. I have "first hand" evidence of this with a HS girlfriend. Like night and day.

  • Masturbation is not all about sex. Sometimes (often?) it's just a way to reduce stress.

    • true and it helps out sometimes. It sucks that it just remains at fantasies. It's like I can do it in my fantasy but wouldn't be able to act on it if a date were to start groping me.

  • Do not know what a demisexual is but if you like him tell him if he does not like you back you can’t make like you. That just disrespectful that no one can respect male emotions

    • It means I can never have casual sex with a guy. I've been going to parties since just this Dec and even if I were drunk, it wouldn't work out either. I just don't like any man. If I were to really like a man, that would be a miracle. It only happens when I develop such deeper connection and if that happens, then in my mind I don't want him just for dating and sex but as a permanent partner too.

    • This is what I am: Demisexuality is a sexual orientation in which a person feels sexually attracted to someone only after they've developed a close emotional bond with them. Forming a bond doesn't guarantee a person will feel a sexual attraction, but the bond is needed before sexual activity is even possible.

    • Then you need to find a group out there like a demisexual group to meet guys, because of the ways that men have to date. Most poeple seal the relationship by having intercourse, and the reason a lot of men push for sex is because of the dreaded friend zone.

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  • Well I don't see a major problem. Men are not as reliable as they used to be.

  • According to Wikipedia you’ve successfully detected a secondary sexual bond and got the itch.

    I thought it was just sexual attraction to demi-gods.

  • WTF..

    • It means I have a sex drive and can fantasize making love to an imaginary man and getting spanked by him in the bedroom. But if I were in a date and a man was pushing for sex on the 1st week or 2nd, I'm not into it.

  • because it feels really good and you like the feeling?

    • Yeah it does. It just sucks that it's hard for me to desire a man that much. If I don't desire, sex will not happen.

    • no need for that if you are satisfied with what you are doing, right?

    • well sometimes I do wish I had a life partner I was able to have a great bonding with.

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  • I know how you feel. I love the thought of sex, but when it comes down to it, I usually don't go for it.

    • Yeah not even being drunk does the trick either lol. All drunk ever does is makes me laugh more with family and friends, walk a bit sloppy and go to sleep afterwards.