If someone said this to you, how would you respond?

[Anonymous]

So the day before yesterday I was having a discussion with my boyfriend about the kids. I told him that I felt we needed to praise them more and be less strict (more so him, but I made sure I said "we" so he didn't feel attacked. His response was "No, you just need to stop raising them to be afraid of everything like you are".

A little backstory: I was abused, both sexually and physically from age 6 to 14 by my step father. This is the "fear" he thinks that I am striking into my kids. For example, if he yells, I instantly start to panic. My panic and anxiety come out in the form of anger. So he outwardly sees me angry but he doesn't realize that I inside, I am terrified. I have tried explaining that to him but he has a hard time grasping it. But even with this said, I do not take my fear of this and try shoving it down my kids throats. I'm not a helicopter mom by any means, even when I want to be.

How should I take this and how would you respond?

[ThiccBoai]

I know at least one girl that experienced the same kind of childhood and so I know what it does with someone. Do here are a couple things.

Try to (and I'm sure you do) make sure you teach your childeren the right things without the fear of you. That usually doesn't help.

Explain to your man (with someone else) what really goes on when a situation like you discribed before accures. Aks him to really try to place himself in your situation.

Try to find a way to deal with your childhood problems. I know that it's not easy, but you will benefit from it. Maybe a therapist, maybe doing small things yourself, maybe talk about it with someone you trust, or even some rando on the internet (with the same issues).

I do think that he needs to help you with the problem, but I'm an outsider, so don't know how it usually goes in your household.

In any case I hope you're doing well and find a solution. It's not easy going through something haeavy like that, but trying to procces it in whatever way will help you and your familie in the longrun.
Lot's of love sending to you

[Anonymous]

I think you need to tell him something like this...

”Hey there are a few things we need to talk about...

(1) The other day when I said, “We need to praise the kids more and be less strict,” what I really meant and should have said is, “You need to be less strict, and I don’t like it when you yell.”

(2) You need to know that when you yell, I feel terrified and it triggers me; and I want it to stop immediately, so in my panic it come out as anger.

(3) So, can you please stop yelling? Being stern is ok, but you don’t need to yell and yelling is NOT good & NOT ok.

There’s another point that I would hold in my hip pocket and only express to him if he was totally unreasonable: that they are YOUR kids and not his and this is how it needs to be—no more yelling at or around the kids. (I am guessing that the kids aren’t his because you called him your boyfriend and not their father.)

Note: Even if he is the kids’ father, yelling is still NOT good & NOT ok

[Asker]

You're 100% right. They aren't his. I try desperately not to bring that in to the conversation because I dont want him to feel like just a guy that stepped in, you know?

[Opinion Owner]

Well... he’s not their parent, and you are and you get to decide how they’re disciplined. It sounds like you think a lot about his feelings—not wanting to make him feel attacked and worrying about h feeling like an outsider. Well... he sorta is an outsider, and it sounds like he needs to be a more understanding of the trauma you went through and how his behavior is affecting you & your kids. I don’t know all about your relationship dynamics with him but his lack of understanding and his encroaching in on your area of responsibility (deciding how your kids should be raised) is troubling, and I would take this opportunity to think about if he is the right guy for you.

[Asker]

That's true

[Marilynjuana]

You need to find a healthy balance. Matters like these are very complicated and neutral professionals, be it family counsellors, know how to help. I am sorry you went through something so horrible but raising kids to become little precious cupcakes will do them more harm than good in this world. They need to learn how to deal with conflict, how to stand up for themselves and how to be in charge of themselves.

[ThiccBoai]

I agree. Conflict and that kinda stuff is important to go through and makes you much stronger than being told what to do and what not to do