Is it normal if he (29m) doesn't want to bang everytime he sees me (26f)?

I've been dating my boyfriend on and off for 3 years. It's fair to say that we have had our ups and downs but we've been in a good place the last 6 months. When we first met, he was very good looking but he had some personal issues and now he's probably average. I have got more attractive over the years, I have big boobs and a good bum. We don't live together but we live near to each other. We probs see each other around 3 times a week on average. Some of those times we bang, other times we don't. I can't help feel extremely rejected on the times we see each other and he doesn't initiate sex. We will still cuddle but I can work out why he doesn't fancy me on that particular night. Is this normal? Am I overthinking it?

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Superb Opinion

  • I know how you feel, but you are absolutely overthinking it :) We guys aren't all walking horny sex-machines, and we still love and desire you even if we don't want to have sex all the time. There have been times I have a lower libido because of other factors in my life. Maybe I'm feeling a little purposeless, or stressed about work, or devalued by my friends or family. But I still love my girlfriend, find her attractive and beautiful, and want to spend time with her. I might just not feel "in the mood", playful, energetic or confident enough to start to engage in sex. But if my girlfriend instigates it, I might feel different.

    But please do not think that he doesn't want you because he doesn't initiate sex every single time you are together. A loving, safe relationship is more than sex. It's emotional support, cuddles, fun, conversation and respect, too. If you see each other for MONTHS and he keeps saying no to sex with you again and again, then there might be reason to suspect he is either going through something difficult in his life, or he has lost some attraction to you - but even THEN his attraction to you could be awakened.

    What I would reccomend you to do is - try to not invest your sense of self-worth in his frequency in initiating sex. You obviously have regular sex, which means he is absolutely attracted to you. And, focus on creating a safe, loving and playful atmosphere between you. It will make you even more attractive to him, and make sex even better. Listen to him talk about his life and interest, ask him questions and signal to him that you accept and value what he says. Smile and look at him. Tell him when you find him attractive. Stuff like that :)

Most Helpful Guy

  • Yes, yes, and kinda, respectively. Yes, we're hornier than you are, but that doesn't mean we're machines, constantly lusting with no emotional component or attachment required. We are, collectively, closer to that than women (collectively) are, but that doesn't mean it's not wanted or appreciated. That point, however, doesn't mean that YOUR desires and feels are inappropriate either.

    The obvious cause is stress and/or medical issues- he doesn't feel up to it, so he doesn't initiate, so you feel rejected, and he, picking that up, steps back, and things just spiral downward. Clearly, that's no good. But there are other possible causes, too, like:

    -he realizes you're in better shape than he is, and he feels unworthy.

    -he's psychologically fatigued from being the one to start things all the time, and worries that you aren't attracted to him any more.

    -he's wondering if you see him as more than just a source of sex.

    None of these are mutually exclusive, by the way.

    So what's to be done? Well, the first step is to isolate the problem, so you can identify it unambiguously. Try getting things started yourself, and see how he responds. It may be better to start off with something milder than hefting him off the ground, tossing him onto the bed, and jumping his bones, but you get the idea.

Most Helpful Girl

  • You try initiating it, and if that doesn't work, then there's a problem.

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • This is totally normal. After 3 years, he’s used to having sex with you regularly. He probably doesn’t feel like he needs to press the issue. He knows he’ll do it with you when he feels like it. It’s a “been there, done that”-kinda thing. I’m more curious about what you say in that he’s gotten uglier whereas you’ve gotten prettier. Those statements imply that you feel like he should appreciate the ability to have sex with you, like you’re out of his league now

  • First of all men don't always have the stronger sex drive so he might just not be feeling horny which is not down to you.

    He might also not wanting to assume sex is on tap and not wanting to seem pestering. Maybe it's time for you to initiate.

    If you love each other it doesn't mean every time you meet has to end in the bed.

  • You are definitely overthinking it. The guy has more things on his mind than just sex, which suggests he's matured some. It is actually a compliment to you as he just doesn't think of you as a sex partner, he elevated your relationship, as he likes being with you and doing other things.

  • Clearly overthinking u feel rejected he dont initiate lol

  • If he has to be the one to initiate EVERY single time, HE is going to feel "extremely rejected"

    Never be the woman who only has sex with her boyfriend if he says he wants it, you gotta show that you want sex with him too, or you will end up killing the relationship.

  • I tend to disagree with other opinions here. I think this could be an issue but not a terrible one. Communication is key. Do you want more sex, more intimacy? Then tell him. If you are not in line, then consider if you can live for ever with sex a few times a week or if you need more. I know some may say, "you can't break up because of sex", but it is not about sex, it is about certain need that you may feel to have. From personal experience, I had a girlfriend for 5 years and we would have sex almost every single time we saw each other, and if we couldnt because of time or location, at least we would get handsy. We both had a lot of sex drive and that made for great interaction, although it made the break up harder. After break up, I dated another girl who enjoyed sex but used to ask me if all I wanted was sex because I wanted to do it all the time and she enjoyed it but also wanted to do other things together, like actually sleeping, cudling and watching movies. It didn't work out for different reasons but I defenetly expressed that I had a high sex drive and that we where probably incopatible in that sense. So, maybe its something to consider, sexual chimestry and desire for one another is something important. It kinda makes me miss my ex, but we had other issues that could not be resolved.