Is it normal to feel uncomfortable and insecure during bed time with fiancé?

[Anonymous]

I've recently been feeling uncomfortable during bed time with my fiancé. It is not that I'm uncomfortable with myself, I am confident with how I am and what I look like, but I'm feeling really insecure with what my fiancé does and I've sat him down many times to have a discussion on what I enjoy and what I find uncomfortable but he still continues doing them.

I've talked to a trusted family member about this situation and if its normal but they told me I was being "awfully selfish and should think about his needs too", however, I have always made sure we both enjoyed it.

What makes me uncomfortable is that recently he's been setting up a camera to take videos as we do it or takes many pictures. He has been becoming very aggressive and even blindfolds me or severely restricts me from moving while he degrades me and I'm aware some people are into these sort of activities but I'm not and have told him multiple times I'm uncomfortable with this.

He is a very caring and thoughtful man and always makes sure I'm happy or have what I want, he also always cooks for me, as giving gifts is his form of affection so this is the only problem between us. That is exactly why I'm confused but maybe its because I have very little experience and would eventually end up liking it...

I am extremely conflicted with emotions and would like some honest opinions. Is it because I have little experience in sex or am I just being dramatic.

[Reece12345]

What's happening here is terrible, and I'm truly sorry. You've told him clearly that you do not enjoy those things, and even knowing how you feel, he continues. This is serious; this is an abusive relationship.

Your family member has this idea that you should let him do whatever he likes to you, but she is wrong. A happy relationship is when two people treat each other as equals and with respect, but you fiance is really hurting you during your most private and intimate moments.

It is very intrusive and shows a lack of care for how you feel. Why does he need to take pictures and videos when he's your fiance? My real worry is that he might be posting them online (like, who knows?)

I know that you say that "he always makes sure that you are happy" but it's pretty obvious that that he does not always do this, right? He does things that he knows that make you unhappy. He always cooks for you and gives you gifts as that is his form of affection. But... he also blindfolds you, takes pics and videos of you (that he could post online), restricts your movement and degrades you. I know you describe this as "the only problem" you have with him, but "problem" is not the right word to use here. This is terrible and abusive and hurtful.

I think he's got a guilty conscience. He knows that he's hurting you, so this is his way of making himself feel better. I think it's a kind of payment so he can continue to do whatever he likes to you.

Just so you know, you are not being selfish at all here. I'm sorry that your family member told that to you. But you're not putting your desires above his; all you want, understandably, is for the abuse to stop, and to have a normal, respectful relationship. Intimacy should bring joy and excitement, and not pain. So you are not being selfish. I really hope you understand that.

This man puts his lust before your feelings. That is true selfishness. And all these favors and good behavior doesn't mean anything if he doesn't mind hurting and humiliating you.

If your fiance really loves and respects you, he would never inflict anything painful on you. Love is when someone protects their partner from pain, and does not cause it. If he degrades you, how much respect can he really have for you?

I think many people would be furious and enraged by the behavior (and I would be one of them). It is not acceptable and I think you should leave him.

The last thing I will add is just to ask you: if you stay with him and he continues to abuse and degrade you, will you ever truly be happy, and not hurt?

[NamerOfStars]

Yeah, given what he's doing, I'd say it's perfectly normal to feel uncomfortable. Now, his actions otherwise seem to suggest that he cares for you, but this problem is a BIG problem. You can build a lot of erotic tension with interpersonal power playing during and surrounding sex, and many people do- in fact, I'd say most people do, if usually only to a low level- but that has to be consensual.

It probably seems strange to consent to experiencing things you didn't directly consent to, and for good reason, but it has to work within boundaries you both specify beforehand- and it sounds like he's letting his control fantasies slip out into the rest of your relationship. That's a problem, and potentially a BIG one. I'd start by making your position much clearer- this isn't an "I'm uncomfortable with this" thing; it's a "STOP!" one.

Don't be aggressive, but DO be assertive- enough to knock his brain out of "kinky domineering sex" mode and into "relating with my fiancee" mode. Don't wait for it to happen again; bring the subject up on your own, and make it very clear that you have boundaries, and what they are. Don't attack him (verbally or otherwise), but make it clear this needs to change- that he needs to talk to you about what he wants to do beforehand.

[VIVANT]

What kind of trusted family member tells you you are selfish bc you don’t want to be tied up filmed & degraded? That’s not a “need” anyone has. A preference is not a need. I’m sure you are kind & care for him do you think that gives you the right to abuse him? There’s no thing anyone can do for you that makes making you feel all kinds of terrible ways, ok. This is my opinion. To keep respecting our partners cones before anything rise including life, otherwise things fall apart and that is not taking into account how potentially dangerous a partner who is impervious or indifferent to their partners boundaries, can be.

I’m so very sorry this is happening to you. I’m sure you love him very much to have even asked this question.

We all have things we enjoy but if his enjoyment is at the cost of your dignity & comfort and trust in my opinion this is a dangerous situation.

[dustybiker]

Time out. Anything against your consent is abuse.
Doesn’t matter if married or not.

Unless you live in a repressed country?

[Asker]

But he is very kind and caring? I live in Japan, Kobe

[dustybiker]

I’m sure he is. Marrying him knowing he is like this at other times, doing things you aren’t happy with, is your choice. Say no if you are wanting to.

[AnnaG338]

That mutherfucker creepy as hell!!!

He all videoin yo shit and postin that shit online fo them mutherfuckers to jerk off.

[summiter]

He HAS to respect your comfort level. It is very rude of him to insist on sexual stuff that you are not comfortable with. He will not change unless you put your foot down... are you sure you want to marry someone who may insist this for the rest of your marriage?

Does he do it every time you have sex? What is he doing with the pictures/videos... I hope they do not end up on the internet. What are your thoughts?

[Asker]

I found that there are many helpful opinions, and people giving there advice to break things up with him but how would I do that? I feel awfully embarrassed having to break up a 4 year relationship over my discomfort in bed... Some of the helpful people here, including you, have told me to put my foot down or talk to him about it, and I have, but nothing changes. Yes he does do this every time we have sex, and he says that the videos and pictures "are for him only since he goes on business trips often and will miss me ". I don't want to continue with the marriage if this is how it would be. I'm confused because he wasn't like this before, and only just 3 months ago he has been acting this way. My family really love him, and no one would be on my side if I were to break up with him, they would want a reason, and what would I tell them? That it was because of sex? Thinking about it now makes me nervous... Thank you for your advice and I'm grateful for the others opinions as well but I have no idea how to break it up with him without looking like a selfish villain to the family.

[Reece12345]

I think you are brave to share what is happening in your life right now. This takes a lot of courage. I think he wasn't like this before is because he didn't take you for granted. Now that he thinks marriage is closer and your family likes him, he feels that he can get away with anything he wants to do to you. Now he takes you more for granted and that's why he feels that he can abuse you and degrade you. And the pictures pics and videos that he takes of you, even if they are just for his business trips, aren't pictures of you smiling, right? They are pictures of you being put in humiliating and painful situations (if I understand correctly). So this is his he wants to see you when he is away from you? What kind of person does that make him? I know that your family loves him, and I know if you stop this marriage it will be really very difficult. I totally do sympathize with you.

[Reece12345]

Sorry, just one last thing (my bad, I hit the submit button before I was quite finished). But in the end, there is just one question you need to ask yourself. What would be worse? Your family being upset with you for a little while, or spending the rest of your life being abused? Because this will be a life changing decision. The last thing I want to add is the reason you were thinking of giving to your family about this separation. "That it was about sex?" I think a more realistic reason to give to them is that "He was abusing and humiliating and hurting me. He was causing me only pain". How do you think your family would react if you told them that instead? It really describes what is happening to you and they might understand you better. They might ask for details, and maybe, in private, you could let some of your family members know exactly how he hurts you. I know that this might be very difficult to share, but if someone knows how horrible it is, they might be more likely to understand your feelings. And after all, this is about a huge decision what will affect your whole life.

[summiter]

If your family loves you they will support you. You do not want the rest of your life being videoed/photographed every time you have sex! I would tell someone you trust in your family what is going on. It is not your fault and your family will not tolerate him wanting to video you having sex every time. Dump his ass.

[Asker]

Thank you so much... I understand what you are saying but now it's the matter of gaining enough courage to do so. Again I really appreciate your help.

[Mac-One]

Videos should be unacceptable if either party objects to it.

[XavierSteele]

It's NOT normal to feel uncomfortable during sex. Even people into fetishes have "safe words" in order to negate that situation. Personally I would tell him to kick rocks if he doesn't want to listen to your concerns and feelings. It's his problem definitely not yours

[Anonymous]

Nope