Is rape unforgiveable?

[Anonymous]

A couple of months ago... me and my dude broke up and he took it very hard. Even though it wasn't like we were never going to get back together. I just needed space because l felt he was smothering me. I left him and he tried everyday to see me and I refused or wouldn't come to the door because that was the whole reason for the break-up. So one night we and my girlfriend's and my sister went out to a bar for girls night. It felt great to be out having fun, living life again, doing something other than being his arm piece. But some of his friends were there as well and sent him snaps of me dancing with people at the bar. He was enraged and came to the bar. Barrelled through the club like a man possessed and snatched me off the dance floor, put me on his shoulder and physically carried me out the bar. My friends & sister wanted to call the police but l convinced them not to and me and him left so l could calm him down. Once we got to his house, of course we argued and he was upset crying saying he didn't wanna loose me. Long story short when l tried to leave he locked me in his apartment and raped me. The problem is, deep down l know he is a good person and loves me very much. But l made the mistake of telling my sister and friends what happened when l was upset and they hate him now and are angry with me because l took him back. I know what he did was wrong and we are working through it together. But everyone acts like rape is so unforgivable. Isn't that up to the person who was raped to decide? I understand they are concerned for me but if they love me they will accept my decision to stay with him. Am l wrong? Is rape really unforgivable?

[Anonymous]

I think a person can forgive just about anything but that's not what you're really talking about.
You've forgiven and forgotten, that can be dangerous for you in the long run.
Rape is far worse than cheating but what came to mind was being with a cheater and forgiving them time after time for cheating on you, you're giving that person a free pass to keep on doing what they've been doing.
Perhaps this is a one time thing, for your sake I hope so, either way though there's not a shot in hell I'd be with someone after they did something like that to me.
As for your friends, can you really fault them? You told them he raped you. Of course they're going to hate him, he took something from you that you weren't offering. So what's next? He's going to hit you? Rape you again? Lock you in the house? All because he loves you?
Your guy has some impulse control issues that really need to be worked on.
Also, rape isn't about love or sex. Rape is about power and control. And you've all but stated that, he didn't want to lose you and came storming in where you were to take you. You're handing him over your power, can't you see that? It sounds like your friends can see it. Maybe take a step back and look at the situation from their point of view. If you can honestly say this wouldn't bother you if it happened to your sister or friends then I think you have some issues, not trying to be hurtful or mean but really, that's not the normal reaction.
You're a big girl and can make your own choices but don't expect them, or anyone that knows or will know to stand by and watch you get hurt in the end.

[Asker]

😥😟

[Asker]

I would never let my sister or my best friends, any friends stay with someone who hurt them, raped them but I'm stronger than they are.

[Opinion Owner]

Keep in mind, I'm not trying to be mean when I say this but, no you're not strong. A strong woman wouldn't ever tolerate a man raping her. A strong woman would stand up for herself and say "no, this will never happen again." A strong woman wouldn't allow a man control over her like this. And I'm sorry to say this but you are not a strong woman if you stay in this situation, the exact opposite actually. If you stay, you're weak. This man will continue to control you in anyway possible to get what he wants. You left him, he TOOK you back. Literally, took you back. A strong woman wouldn't let that happen. He took you by force and without your consent both sexually and now that you're with him, I guess, emotionally. That is not what a strong woman does.

[Asker]

That's your opinion. I suppose you can easily walk out on the people who love you. But because we are all human we make mistakes.

[Opinion Owner]

Haha. You're right it is my opinion but before you even think I don't know what I'm talking about let me assure you I do, you don't even know the shit I've been through. I wasn't "raped" but I lived through enough shit in my life and when someone tells you they love you and still does what they did to you or to me it's bull shit. It's not love, it's control and manipulation. They don't love YOU they love what they can make you do and that they have you under their thumb. I know what a strong woman is, I am a strong woman. You can be too but you will never be a strong woman if you stay. Good luck with that, in all seriousness.

[Asker]

Everyone keeps saying it's about control. Ok, if so. Who would want to control someone they didn't want or love?

[Opinion Owner]

As for making mistakes, you are right we all do make mistakes. If you want to call him raping you a mistake that's your choice. However, it's not a mistake the next time he rapes you or he does something else along those lines. Just because a person makes a mistake, especially a "mistake" like that, it doesn't mean you forgive and forget. You can absolutely forgive but, again not to be mean, it's stupid on your part to forget and to allow him the opportunity to do it again. You do what's best for you though. As I said before, you're a big girl and need to make your own decisions. I just hope they don't turn out to be huge mistakes on your part.

[Opinion Owner]

Who wants to control someone they DO love? Controlling someone changes that person. If you love someone the last thing you want to do is change and control them. From first hand experience, being controlled turns you to damn near nothing, at best a shadow of yourself. If someone loves you they wouldn't in a million years want that. Point is, he doesn't love you if he can rape you. Control and rape have NOTHING to do with love. You cannot have both. He may think he loves you, I guess, but he does not. He cannot really love you and rape you, it just doesn't work like that.

[Anonymous]

One problem can lead to another, when he done it to you, he may done it to you again, you should take it slow, for now you're feeling fine, and what if something triggers him again, would you be okay in that kind of situation

Do you able to handle him,
The thing here, he didn't respect you the least before, and i believe that a real good man won't ever done that, thats the first sign of sexual abbused.

I believe that once a person did something cruel, he will be more cruel next time, unless he undergo some treatment,

He deserve some treatment, and realize what he did wrong to you, dont give him the comfort for him that its fine, you still love him

Yes you still loved him, but you have to help him fix something he did to you , it doesn't have to make it up to you

Its more about his self, observe around, go into psychiatrist or solve it with anger management issues

[Opinion Owner]

for him, anything that one person disagreement with sexual is an act of rape, next will be abused, Its forgivable but it takes time, dont feel block like nothing happens, learn that you have to help him too but not in the way to take it for granted, or letting it go Your friend or family knows the best and loved you Listen, you may lose everything in this world, but not your family, they will always stay and stick to you cause your born to live with them

[Asker]

You are sweet... thank you!

[RuthAnn1781]

At the end of the day it comes down to you and what you think is right since it's your life. Try to think about how you'd feel if it was someone else in your shoes. Would it be wrong if the same thing happened to someone else? How do you think you'd feel about it then? If it was me I think I'd feel the same way you do, but I'd also know that what happened was wrong because what happened to you wasn't okay. If he really is such a great person would he have raped you? Great guys don't rape people. I don't think that rape is a forgivable thing, but I can't tell you how to think

[Asker]

Good guys can make mistakes in a moment of anger.

[RuthAnn1781]

Rape is a mistake, yes, but it's not a forgivable mistake. It's like losing a pen that someone let me use, that's a forgivable mistake. But forcing someone to have sex with me because I'm angry isn't a forgivable mistake

[Anonymous]

I think it's not the action that needs to be forgiven. But the person behind it. And if you choose to forgive the person who raped you, then that's up to you.

[Asker]

Thank you

[NightlyCreature]

I have read several comments and see really great points from men and women here, and I see you have already made up your mind about what happened as well, you decided to forgive him despite what he did, which by the way wasn't a mistake, you don't accidently rape someone, you do it fully aware of what you are doing, which take us to your question, is rape unforgiveable? I believe it is, just as hitting someone, or hurting them being fully aware of what you are doing, because the minute you decide to do something like this you are proving you don't love that person, if you love someone you will never hurt them, specially not by doing something like this.

You said it yourself, you will never let your sister or friends stay with someone who raped them, so why would they let you stay with him?

[Asker]

Men hurt their women all the time. Cheating, lying and betrayal. But just because he physically betrayed me its so different but it isn't.

[NightlyCreature]

Yes, that's true, some men hurt their women all the time, and that's wrong too! Like I said before, if someone really loves you he won't hurt you, physically nor mentally, if he does, he doesn't love you, period, staying with him is just like telling him that what he did is ok, any woman being abused or hurted should leave, doesn't matter if they are being abused physically or just cheated on.

[Intraluminal]

I don't think it's that rape is unforgivable. Probably nothing but injuries done to children are unforgivable. The part that's bothering them is calling his rape an act of love, which is what you're doing by staying with him.

[Asker]

No it was a lapse in judgement. A mistake. In just trying to get them to see that he does love me and is such a good person.

[Intraluminal]

Good guys do not rape.

[Asker]

So you're telling me that you've never met a nice guy, been friends or an acquaintance with him and he maybe did this to his girlfriend or wife? One time doesn't make you a monster.

[Intraluminal]

It doesn't make you a monster, no. But neither can a rape be considered accidental, like spilling your coffee. "Oops, I'm sorry I raped you, I wasn't looking where I was going!" He had to take several steps to rape you, during each of which you were either saying, "no" or were communicating nonverbally that you did not consent. At each point, he made the concious decision to continue to rape you. As it later turned out, for some reason you decided to consider this rape a proof of love, but... what if he'd been wrong? He'd have horribly traumatized a woman he claimed to love. Think about that.

[Asker]

You should a lawyer.

[Asker]

*be.

[Intraluminal]

No. I'm just putting into words what your friends and family are feeling.

[Asker]

I know... out of everyone's opinion. Yours was the only one that made me really think the hardest about what happened. I appreciate your response.

[DarkWasTaken]

He held you against your will, forced you to do things like you were a vulgar doll with no emotion or life.
Prevented you from having fun with your sister and friends.

That alone is unforgivable, but after that he locked you in his apartment and raped you?
There's no such thing as "A good person" in all of this story.
And telling your peers wasn't a mistake neither.

Your only "mistake" ( That's such a weak word to describe this situation ) in this whole thing was to Forgive a rapist.

If he rapes you on a whim of jealousy, then he's dangerous for anyone around you including yourself.

Have you ever thought about what would happen to your sister and friends if the guy decides that they're holding you away from him and that he doesn't like it?

[Asker]

He would never touch them. He like and respects them. He is so upset that they are angry at him and is always offering to do nice things to make it up to everyone. I feel like shit for even telling them cause they are being so mean to him. He made a mistake and is truly sorry. He hasn't acted possessive since it happened.

[DarkWasTaken]

Obviously he hasn't acted possessive, you gave him the green card. You came back to him after he raped you, he can do literally anything to you and you would still kneel down at his feet because "He's such a nice guy and he truly loves me". To say "He would never touch them" after what happened is a straight up lie. He loved you and still went against your will. If he likes and respect them he can still go a full 180 and hurt them just as he did with you. No apology is gonna work once you find out your sister got beaten up because you forgave him, but it'll be too late after that. If he truly was sorry, he would give himself away to the police for what he has done and pass the next 1-2 years in prison to make up for such a bad decision. Instead, he's trying to bribe your friend and family into loving him back again because "He's such a nice boyyyyy" He doesn't respect them for shit if he's trying to buy them away.

[Asker]

Not buying but being helpful

[DarkWasTaken]

That's bribing. He's doing things he never did before to shut them up for his own personal gain. If someone change, people are bound to think "Oh he's doing better", but that's all psychological. He played the mind game with you, now he's playing it with them.

[Asker]

He's just trying to show them he is sorry and a good person

[DarkWasTaken]

Again, a good person would apologies to you AND pays for his crime. Now he's apologizing to you and them ( Because they know he did wrong ) and not being punished for his crime. That is not how it works. You are being Delusional. I really hope your friends and sister make a sane decision before you end up locked up in a basement by this Mind-playing psycho.

[Asker]

What the hell? You don't known what you're saying. He has completely stopping acting controlling since it happened.

[DarkWasTaken]

BECAUSE YOU CAME BACK TO HIM. I dare you to even hint to him that you don't feel like it's right to be with him anymore. I assure you he's going to 180 and lock you up again as soon as you are off-guard.

[Asker]

Ok. You know everything. I could text him now and say that and he would not lock me up anywhere when he got here. Apparently I'm the only person who can forgive someone's mistake.

[DarkWasTaken]

As blunt as it may sound : That's because you're the only stupid person who would stay with someone like that and defend him after all that happened. You know what, I actually dare you to text him like that and end your relationship to "Test him". If he loves you he'll take you back if you apologies for testing him. If he locks you up you'll understand how stupid you are. As one last suggestion : Better tell your friend/sister about what you're about to do because that phone is not going to help you once he cracks into an angry mess. This is one of the suggestion I wouldn't give considering hoe dangerous this id, but that's all that'll go through you thick head at this point.

[Asker]

Ha... just to prove all you know it all unforgiving people the truth. I will. Ill text him on his way from work. Tell him that I'm getting my things and it over. Can l get a apology once l prove you wrong from this test?

[DarkWasTaken]

An apology? I'd prosternate infront of your holy being and lick your ex's feet if you actually do it and nothing happens. And just to be clear. You're not only testing him for the next hour or so, at least give it an entire week. If he is mature enough to let you go for a week without contacting you then I'll view him as more than sorry. But if he tries to guilt-trip you or control you a single time during this week I'll consider this a failure.

[Asker]

Whatever

[Asker]

I owe you an apology. 😢

[DarkWasTaken]

Now if you'd be as kind as to tell me the current situation? I'm honestly glad that you could actually come back and talk with us on GaG and I hope nothing bad happened.

[Asker]

I really would prefer to message you privately because l don't want to reveal anymore private information openly on here for all to see.

[DarkWasTaken]

My inbox is always open, I'd message you but you're anonymous so I'll just have to wait until you reach level 2.

[Asker]

I have so ill message you now and thanks for being so nice after l was a bitch to you.

[goddess87]

Ok said you did forgive the rape. What about his other behavior leading up to that? This boi is has sent you red flag after flag and you friends and family see it. Now he's raped you out of an attempt to control, what will he do next? Beat you, tie you up so you can't leave, kill you if you try to leave? His behavior isn't normal and you know that. He is controlling, stalks you, and is violent. You may wind up dead if you don't get away from this man. All the signs are there.

[goddess87]

Typos but you get it. My phone sucks

[Imustacheuaq]

None of this was your fault. This guy is a POS. No one is unforgivable, but I would distance yourself from this person as much as you possibly can. If he is capable of this level of anger and jealousy he is likely capable of much more if provoked.

[Asker]

He was barely capable of that. He has been an emotional wreck every since. I come in from work and he is sitting on the bed crying about it.

[RolandCuthbert]

I don't usually respond to anonymous questions. But I will respond to this one.

Little one, you can do whatever you wish. You can forgive him, you can hate him. Do you.

But you need to own up to the consequences of your decision. I am a man. I know what men are capable of. Maybe women don't understand that. Of course, I like most people, think you are deluding yourself. Good people do not rape other people.

So, you can pretend everyone around you is being unreasonable. We can only pray for you. . . and for him. I am sure he could become a good person, if he found help and found a way to be honest with himself. But neither one of you sound like you have grown to that point yet.

Good luck.

May God watch over you and your guy.

[Asker]

He admitted what he did was wrong and feels like shit about it. How else can he be honest with himself? He literally said "I should die for what l did to you?"

[RolandCuthbert]

Chris Brown admitted what he did was wrong also. And he has still been a butthole for years after he assaulted Rihanna. I don't know your guy. But he has to face up to the issue that he has issues with anger and with violence. You can do whatever you wish. You can decided to be with him or leave him. People make bad decisions all the time. I just hope the price you end up paying is not too much. And little one, it is no where near as important what a guys says. . . as what he does. Know him by what he has done and by what he continues to do. Not by the sweet things he says. Like I said, I am a man. I know what men are capable of.

[Asker]

What does that mean. You're a man, and know what they're capable of? So are you saying you're capable Of the same.

[RolandCuthbert]

Because women don't get it. We don't see the world the same way women do, especially when we are younger. It is said that women mature faster than men. I believe that wholeheartedly. But again, do you. I am not trying to convince you. Your mind is already made up. I just hope you find a reason to like yourself independent of the attention you think you are getting from this guy. I have known a number of women who have made that same mistake.

[MikkiM]

Men are capable of violent aggressiveness, But goodman would never do such act, its not like when someone teases you they would fall for it, Its like a decision, when someone did make you mad, you won't ever ever hold a knife in your hand right? Men intuition are build the same, they can rape,, but they dont

[RolandCuthbert]

@MikkiM It is just that violence comes to easy to us. When I was younger, while I would not hit a woman, it was just easy to get violent with other men. I am lucky that I survived that time. I can't explain why men get violent so easily. But I do know this, a man who gets violent with a woman, does not stop unless he has some life changing event happen to him.

[WiseTurtle]

You are wrong 500% because rape is unforgiveable and once you forgive someone about such thing don't be amazed if they will do worst and ask forgiveness.

[Asker]

He won't do worse we are working through it

[WiseTurtle]

You can't guarantee that :) There are countries who sign and engage in a treaty of peace and then declare war at some point.

[SteelerNation50]

Your friends want what's best for you and this guy seems very controlling, possessive, and violent. He will hurt you in the future and they don't want to see that happen. How can a guy that is willing to do what he did love you? That isn't love and it will most likely get worse.

[Asker]

Or not

[vittle1999]

You are right that it shud be Ur call to take as you were the victim.

[Asker]

THANK YOU... FINALLY!!!

[troychapman]

no! wait maybe in your case as long as you enjoyed it and wasn't unpleasant in any way if it was then no not good sorry to tell you good people dont rape people particularly not people they love the only way i think rape is forgivable is if they see how bad it was are truly sorry and change your situation is diffferent you love him else you would of called the police with someone you love its different you want to just brush it off but youv got too think if you let him get away with this he will think he can just rape people what if the next one doesent take it like you and is traumatized and hurt or what if he steps it up and resorts to violence i understand id be the same in your shoes but you can't let him get away with it

[StoneSatyr]

From the replies to opinions it seems you already have your mind made up. It's up to you but I'd side with your friends. this guy belongs in a box, one 6ft under or one with bars on one end

[Asker]

For Christ sakes he didn't kill me and throw my body in the ocean.

[StoneSatyr]

You literally posted the question on a forum designed for the sole purpose of asking people's opinions.

[Asker]

Sorry. I ending up leaving

[Julien1210]

To me yes it is unforgivable. But all rapes don't have the same gravity. To me it prooves that your guy can't control himself, and is by this way, potentially dangerous.

[Asker]

He said he just needed a way to claim me. Don't think lost control necessarily. And he wouldn't do it again.

[Julien1210]

And you think it's a good way to claim someone? It's even worse to me, that mean he think that what he did was what he have to do. And you can't know if he Wouldn't do it again. I'm pretty sure before he did the first time you couldn't imagine he could do it even once.

[Asker]

I mean no but no one is perfect. People forgive murders but not rape. Everything can be forgiven.

[Julien1210]

who the fuck forgive murder?

[Asker]

Victims family members forgive the killer all the time

[Julien1210]

Sincerely, i know how love can blind people (i have been once blinded myself ) but try to open yours eyes, looks the answers you got here, everyone is agree ( and that's rare ) your dude is dangerous. If he did it ones, he can do it a second time, he can do even worse. More than that, If he do it on another girl ( or boy we never know ) you'll have a part of responsability by protecting him. If he do it again on an other person, could you look at you in a mirror? i couldn't.

[Asker]

If he never did to someone else then l would not forgive him

[Julien1210]

It's spiritual forgiveness. that mean that the familly have moved on. But go ask them if they will set free the murderer. They surely don't.

[Julien1210]

But it would be to late. Someone else will suffer because you forgave him the first time. I was a policeman for a while, you don't imagine the numbers of victim we could have avoided if people talked the first time.

[Julien1210]

to be more explicit, you can forgive him, it's up to you. But you also have to tell to police force what he did because it's a crime. Be careful, in most of countries ( states ) it's illegal to not denounce crime.

[Asker]

You cannot be from the United States if you think not report rape is punishable. Here it is promoted.

[Julien1210]

I'm indeed not from US. But if what i'm saying sounds stupid to you, it's up to you. You came on this website to have opinions. Now you have plenty of opinions. Just be aware of all of what he did implies and make your own decision.

[kevinaskmenow]

I wouldn't term this as rape... This is unique... i wanted to understand if your reaction when he started the episode after locking the door. Would your reaction be the same if that was another guy or a stranger... I bet that your reaction would have been softer with this guy... The reason is the space you have for him in your heart... And that's the same reason why you are terming it as rape and ready to forgive him as well... If I was him, I would have done the same... This is just emotions playing...

[Asker]

You would have done the same?

[kevinaskmenow]

Yes.. I would classify this as overflowing love rather than rape...

[genericname85]

no it´s unforgivable. i hope you learned your lesson and don´t give that douche another chance. maybe consider pressing charges against him.

[Asker]

I would never send my dude to jail

[genericname85]

well "your dude" should never fucking rape you xD

[Asker]

Ok and we both know that. Not funni

[genericname85]

i´m not trying to make it funny. i´m just amazed that you defend him after what he has done.

[Asker]

So people don't deserve second chances?

[genericname85]

with certain things yes sure. but if they step over this line of litterally physically violating you, no they don´t. i warn you, this is how you get stockholm syndrome. get this asshole out of your life asap.

[Toeferin]

It's not unforgivable but it is evil to do. Love isn't to be forced upon, it's too be received with consent.. he doesn't love you enough to not force himself on you. There's way better out there than him.

[Asker]

He is such a sweet guy though. My heart break when he thinks about what happened because he is so sad about it.

[Toeferin]

You mean he CAN be sweet. You're compassionate and he loves that about you (who wouldn't) but no person who isn't toxic would ever force them self unto someone else treating you like a possession rather than a person.

[JenDB]

He raped you. There are no exuses.

[DiegoO]

That's evil. Like many said, is not unforgivable but the fact that someone who says "I love you", cross that line, is just fuck up. If he truly loved you he would put your happiness over his sadness, because that's what love is about, to do and wish the best to someone else, even if you're not in their life plan anymore.

He might try to rape you again. If he did it once and it was Ok, probably he might want to go as far as you permit him to go.

[DiegoO]

I am going to ad this: "to forgive is not to go back, is to move on". You forgive him, and is alright, it just don't mean you had to get back with him.

[Asker]

We are moving on together

[DiegoO]

I wish you the best.

[Regular1]

Number one, sweetheart, you weren't raped. You were a willing participant. You enjoyed the hell out of being taken in that manner and you know it.

[Asker]

What in the hell makes you think that?

[Regular1]

I know what bitches like.

[Asker]

I am not a bitch and I didn't like it. You are a mean person.

[Regular1]

I bet you were laughing and smiling as you were being carried out. You told your friends not to call the police, because you knew what was coming and you knew you wanted it.

[Asker]

No the hell lt wasn't because it was so embarrassing.

[Regular1]

Uh. Huh

[Asker]

So since you're a woman expert. Excuse me, BITCHES. What do we like?

[Regular1]

You like being taken by an alpha male.

[Asker]

You're an alpha ass. You sound like an rapist yourself. Good luck with that.

[Regular1]

Actually, the sex I have is from bitches who specifically ask me to bone them.

[Asker]

Whatever you say alpha. Doesn't sound like it.

[Regular1]

No, Honey Buns, I never claimed to be Chad. I just know how he operates and I know how the gals respond.

[Asker]

Not your Honey buns and I'm not that kind of "gal".

[Regular1]

Okay, Sugar-tits

[jakeofalltrades]

he abducted you and raped you! he is not a good person, and he doesn't love you. he sees you as his possession not as a person. you need to call the cops and get him locked up before he decides if he can't have you no one can, and he kills you

[Asker]

Well that's what you call a positive outlook on things

[troychapman]

sorry thats how they work i know you wish it wasn't like that and 2 can be happy but im sorry you just can't no matter how you want them to

[Rex005]

Rape is a type of sexual assault usually involving sexual intercourse or other forms of sexual penetration carried out against a person without that person's consent. The act may be carried out by physical force, coercion, abuse of authority, or against a person who is incapable of giving valid consent, such as one who is unconscious, incapacitated

I hope you understand!

[Asker]

I do understand and l forgive for it. What's your point of showing me what it means?

[CT_CD]

No..

[GrayWhi2]

It's hard to believe that he is a good person or he loves you. You are letting your emotions take over you and I am just gonna say don't make another mistake just because you flowed with your imotions

[Asker]

He is. He is literally like a 300lb teddy bear.