Sexual Relationships 
Sexual Health 
For any victim of sexual assault, it was probably the most traumatic experience of their life!
9 Years ago, I was violently raped, and it was undoubtedly the worst thing that ever happened to me. My head was full of thoughts like "why did this happen to me" and "what did I do to deserve this?" After it happened, I felt numb and confused. But thankfully I had my brother to turn to and trust me when I say this, it made all the difference in the world. In these most trying of times, having someone by their side can be absolutley critical for victims of rape and sexual assault. Had I not had my borther to get me through the hell I lived through in the wake of the attack, I would have resorted to drugs at best and suicide at worst. But apart from being there, how the person the rape victim comes to as a source of comfort treats her can make all the difference in the world. So here are tips for how you can help a friend or loved one who is a victim of sexual assault to get through this difficult time.
1. Create a peaceful atmosphere
Remember, she was just violated in about the worst way possible. Do what you can to create an atmosphere of serenity. Some things you can do are dim the lights, play peaceful music, light scented candles, run a hot bath for her, bring her a blanket or a cup of tea. After such a traumatic event befell a person, hardly anything can be more beneficial than a tranquil and serene enviornment.
2. Remember that it is NEVER the victims fault
Skimpy clothes and walking around alone at night aren't responsible for rape. Rapists cause rape. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not against educating women on ways to lessen their chances of getting raped. But just as responsibility for murder only lies with the murderer, responsibility for rape. Also, NEVER aske her if she liked it (she didn't), NEVER ask if she had an orgasm (it means nothing if she did) and NEVER tell her what she could have done to avoid it (if we could have avoided it we would have). Also, if she didn't fight back it in no way meant that she consented. Many victims (including myself) didn't fight back for fear of being hurt more. Unfortunatley, when my attacker was done he beat me so bad I couldn't walk and then threw me out in the cold :'(
3. Don't tell her that you don't believe her
The biggest fear a rape victim has about coming fourth is that people won't believe her. Now, I've seen a lot of varying statstics saying how many rape claims are honest from 98 to 60% and I am aware that some people will throw out rape accusations to tarnish the image of others. The sad truth is we just don't know. However, if someone who claimed she was raped comes to you for comfort and it later turned out she lied, then you can later tell her that what she did was unacceptable and she will expereince the consequences of making such and accusation in the form of having your trust in her broken. However if she was telling the truth and you didn't beleive her then you'll make her feel even more alone and isolated when she did nothing to deserve it. So when dealing with the victim all claims of rape are authentic until proven otherwise. Now you may ask, isn't the alleged perpetrator guilty until proven innocent? Like I said, people will throw out rape accusations to tarnish another persons' image, but it's your place to comfort the victim, not to exact justice on the perpetrator.
4. Don't go and try to retaliate against her attacker
If the victims your SO, a female relative or a close friend, you may feel tempted to retaliate against her attacker. There are three reasons why you should never do this.
1: I don't care what kind of martial arts training you say you have, you're not superman and if someone is willing to rape he may very well be willing to use deadly force in self defense. You can get badly hurt or even killed. Many rape victims often suffer from feelings of guilt and something like this happening will make her feel ten times worse.
2. Even if you do beat the crap out of him, he can use that as leverage. What I mean by that is he can threaten to press assualt charges against you if the victim trys to press charges against him.
3. You physically assulting him isn't going to undo what he did to the victim and she will feel much better knowing that you're safe. Instead of going off and trying to avenge the victim, stay with her and tell her that you will stand by her and let her know that if anyone else is going to lay a finger on her that they'll have to get through you first. In other words, don't tell her how much you hate her attacker, show her how much you love her <3
5. Remember, she is still the person that you love and care for
Even though her behavior might have changed, the victim is still the same person that you've grown to love and care for over the years, she's just been hurt in the worst way possible. Don't avoid her like she has the plague (she in all probability doesn't). Don't tell her how this wouldn't happen to you (trust me, we didn't think that we'd ever become statistics either). And have enough respect not to pitty her.
6. When it comes to your physical relationship with her, expect the unexpected
I feel all to often people make a blanket statement that rape victims are afraid of physical contact, but in reality, being raped can impact one's physical relationships in a variety of ways. Shortly after their attack, nearly all rape victims will be afraind of physical contact with people they aren't close to and sexually suggestive forms of physical contact. But when it comes to their close friends and loved ones, their reaction to physical contact can vary greatly. I remember when a friend of mine in high school was raped, I instinctivley put my hand on her shoulder to comfort her and she shrunk away. After I was raped in college, I spent two weeks at my brothers' appartment and I was hysterical unless he was holding me. The best advice is don't touch her unless she asks for or initiates the physical contact. So if she's your girlfriend and afraid of you touching her, she isn't rejecting you, it's just that her experience made her uncomfortable. However, on the same tolken, if the victim is say your sister and she asks if she can cuddle or sleep with you, don't think that's it's somehow innapropriate or let it make you feel uncomfortable. Her mind isn't "screwed up" by the experience and she isn't developing any kind of attraction to you; it's just that she was wronged in the worst way possible but she loves you and feels safe with you. If she wants you to hold her, here's some tips to make her feel secure and relaxed without being suggestive: hold her firmly but gently by the waist, take long, deep breaths with her, pet her hair, rub her back and tuck her head under your chin.
7. Talk to her as much as she is comfortable with
Talking with someone they trust can be very helpful for rape victims. Be receptive of what she's saying and you may ask for more details BUT if she tells you she's not comfortable talking about that aspect, don't probe deeper or try to persuade you to tell her. That will just make her more uncomfortable. Also, if you think it's hard for you to talk about what happened to the victim with her, just know that it's far harder for her to talk about. BUT quite often, it's the only way she can handle and make sense of what happened to her. The best analogy I can come up with for what it feels like is popping a deep pimpal. Yeah, it's painful but you feel better after it's done. However, don't claim to know how she feels (you don't unless you're a victim yourself) or pretend to be a psychiatrist (you're not). If she asks questions answer them to the best of your knowledge and if you don't know, just say so. It's OK not to know and often just being there is enough for her.
8. Be careful of flashbacks
Rape is just about the most traumatic thing anyone could experience and the time immediatley afterward feels like hell on earth. Many things can cause a victim to expereince a flashback. For one, whatever you do don't sneak up on her (that's begging for a flashback). Also, violence on the TV or even lound noises can trigger flashbacks. When, a rape victim has a flashback, she is actually reliving the event and thinks it's actually happening. If she experiences a flashback, know how to ground her. Don't freak out and start screaming yourself because that will make it worse. Talk to her softly, tell her that what she's experiencing is a flashback and the attacker isn't actually there. Then tell her to take deep breaths, and describe the surroundings to you. That will help her remind her of where she is and get her back into the physical world as opposed to the one of her memory. Also, don't get mad if a flashback occurs because trust me, WE HATE THOSE PIECE OF S#!T THINGS TO!!!
9. Encourage her to go to the police and counseling
If there's one thing I regret most in life, it's not reporting my attacker to the police. Every day I wonder if others fell victim to him because I didn't report it and I'm often riddled with guilt. Gently encourage the victim to report the attack and disuade her from bathing (and literally washing evidence down the drain) but don't press them too hard to report it. Trust me, I know that it will put others at risk if not reported but pushing her to report it isn't going to help. But also encourage her to go to counseling and if she wants, go with her to her first appointment. Also, don't tell her to get over it or just put it out of her mind (believe me, we would if we could). Trust me, counseling works miracles.
10. If she's your girlfriend, don't think you won't ever have a sex life with her again
She will probably be very uneasy of the prospect of having sex in the near future (especially if she was a virgin when attacked) but with proper counseling she will learn to have a fulfilling sex life and meaningful relationships. She will again enjoy the energy-filled passionate nights, but rough sex will make it unpleasent for her, so you just have to be gentle and tender with her.
What Girls & Guys Said
11 22God bless your good soul. I was once in a relationship with someone who experienced rape at a young age. All you've said is true and I wish the whole world could read this. I wish you good luck and happiness in life
This needed to be said. I'm not a victim of rape, but anything traumatic can bring on PTSD. That's not fun, not one bit. I was abused as a child. I was shot at with a pellet gun, knives were thrown at me, I was beaten with fists, coat hangers, steel rods, my brother invited his friends over to participate, and to top it all off, I was also abused emotionally. It felt like my sole purpose in life was to be an outlet for catharsis. Not as bad as rape, but in a way, I can relate.
Why are you writing all of this just for women? You do know a man can get raped, right?
I wrote it from personal experience and (being a woman) I could better understand what a female victim would need to get her through it. Men and women's minds work differently so while I don't think rape would be any less traumatic for a guy, it would impact him in different ways. Besides if you read the comments you'll see that I already apologized for that.
Do you expect me to read all comments before I leave one? And I don't think it would impact our minds that differently. Both were raped and are left with a trauma.
The point of this isn't to describe what the victim experiences but how you can help the individual through their crisis. I'm not a psychologist and I don't know how a man would experience this. I was writing this from experience. If you notice at the beginning I used the phrase "their" and then I spoke from experience.
I can't relate in my mind if a chick got raped the relationship is officially over
Why, it would't be her fault?
It boils down to even though it isn't her fault having sex with someone else (consensual or not) isn't something most people would be able to accept. Besides without sex a relationship is doomed to fail.
@ThatJarHead Rape isn't something that should be "accepted" but the attacker should have been condemned, the victim couldn't have done anything about it. And it won't have to be a relationship without sex.
eh it would just ruin everything why all the thumbs down hah haha
I've had sexual relations and they were wonderful, but you just have to be tender and caring.
Having had a very close friend of mine who experienced the same thing, and having had to help her through it; in a way I understand everything you wrote. I am sorry for what happened to you. Ignore the people who make fun of you and remember you are stronger for making it this far :)
How did it happen to you?
"Her"? You do realize how men can be rape victims too and nobody believes them becuase society thinks "men can't be raped."
because I was speaking from experience
Okay I understand sorry for me and the people being assholes to you.
Ok first, are you taking the stance of mental or physical trauma? It seems like you're going for a mental stance. This take makes me angry but instead of lashing I'm going to confront you. Number one what kind of authority do you propose to be? I am both a psychologist and a rape victim. My word holds some significant weight in this aspect of life. You know what? You're right. Rape is not the fault of the victim. However, rape is the act. If she/he did not take steps to avoid it they should be held responsible for their own stupidity. Not the act, but their own mental capacity for realism. Wearing skimpy clothes and walking around alone at night is dangerous. If you do that your asking for a predator of sorts to attack you. That's just fact. To overcome a mental trauma you first need to accept it. You can't jump into therapy and expect everything to work out. You're going to be scarred for the rest of your life. This is where you learn to cope with it. You need to keep going forward. Make the active effort to avoid it. If you're wearing skimpy clothes and alone downtown at night time walking the streets that's basically saying "Some dude who has a hard on come get me" is it not? When it comes to men being raped he can usually get out of it. However feminism and black mail usually is the reason they don't. Women are twice as fucked up with rape than men are. Yeah a man may beat you or kill you but a woman will entirely destroy your life if you tell anyone. Tell your wife or girlfriend that you raped her or tell your employer. Spread rumours or even go to the cops and say you are the one at fault. You can try to dispute that claim but the law will believe a woman over a man. Otherwise they will say you have to be erect to have sex therefore you must've enjoyed it. What I'm saying is teach PEOPLE how to avoid it. Not how to deal with it. Everybody copes with emotions differently. The point she is trying to make is don't abandon them and give them the benefit of the doubt. Though always take a rape accusation with a grain of salt. So that is what's making me angry. She has a valid point though she's horrible at making it and her point is the incorrect one for the subject. She's advocating learning how to deal with it. That's something you need to learn for yourself. I tried to be taught. It doesn't work. What I advocate is not being moronic enough to have it happen in the first place. Every victim could've done something to prevent it. I know I could've.
Dude, you are not a psychologist. Or if you are, you are not a very good one. Women and men alike are able to recover fully from sexual assaults (including rape). Coping happens whether you learn to or not. Also, predators don't go for women in skimpy clothing -- they go for women who look vulnerable. Yes, skimpy clothing makes you appear vulnerable, but what you're saying leads people to believe that women who dress for business won't likely attract a predator -- but if she's wearing heels, guess what -- she's vulnerable. "When it comes to men being raped he can usually get out of it." So can women, by the numbers. But that's not the point. No psychologist would EVER say this, or lay such complete responsibility on the victim. I do appreciate that you acknowledge male victims of female perpetrated sexual assault and rape, as well as how it plays out in the real world, which is something the language of the OP never acknowledges. Upvote despite some of your callousness and wrongness.
@Transigence I wasn't trying to hold the victim responsible. Simply saying if you don't take steps to avoid it why are you surprised that it happens?
#3 happens way more than it should...
When I was 13 one of my brother's friends came up to my room in the middle of the night, drunk, and ripped covers off of me. I was so startled that I didn't say a word. He ripped my pj's off, raped me (it was really quick and quiet) and then left without saying anything. To this day I don't know why I didn't scream. My parents were asleep a few doors down. Then he would have ended up in jail (he was like 25 at the time).
I tried to pretend it never happened. I thought that I could force myself to forget about it. But of course that didn't work and I became more and more depressed as the months went by. I finally decided to tell my brother what happened in hopes that he would help me (our parents were going through a divorce at the time, and I didn't want to burden them). When I told him he became angry and called me a lying fucking attention whore. He told me never to tell anyone ever again. So I kept it walled up inside of me for the next seven years.
Sometimes I wonder if things would have been different for me if I had been brave enough to tell someone else. I might have learned how to trust people again. I might have stopped waking up in the middle of the night to the imagined feel of that man's hands on top of me. I might have had a boyfriend. But I wasn't brave enough.
If my brother had just listened to me, or done what he should have and told my parents... but he didn't.
I am really sorry that happened to you, and especially that a family member sided with his own ego rather than his baby sister. This is so common it's disgusting.
I guess the one, tiny weany, bit of consolation for any rape victim is that they know they will never be as *ucked up as their rapist. Rapists are scum. If anyone ever raped my girlfriend I dont know what Id do..
Like I mentioned in the post: It's not your place to exact vengeance on her attacker because if you get hurt she will only feel more guilt, but it is your place to tell her that you love her, will stand by her no matter what and let her know that if anyone is every going to lay a finger on her, they'll have to get through you first.
I was raped 4 years ago. I'm not sure when I will be able to date after that. I had sex years after I was raped but it does not feel the same so I began seeing a counselor. I feel Better now and I vow to never tell my future husband or serious boyfriend what happened because I do not owe them my past and I definitely do not want him feeling sorry for me