My addiction to bondage

[Anonymous]

One of the reasons I came here is to discuss things that I cannot really discuss with people I know in real life without getting embarrassed or being worried about what they will think of me. The biggest thing on my mind is how much need I have for bondage in my sex life.

It started when I was younger and I had relatives that would hold me down and tickle me. Somehow enjoying being held down and helpless became a strong part of who I am. Over time, I started to tie my ankles and hands together and get boys to tie me up, nothing sexual at first.

One day, when I was 13 or 14, I found a pair of real metal handcuffs and would spend a number of nights sleeping with my hands cuffed behind my back or to a bedpost. I was extremely careful and although there were many close calls, I really didn't get caught at the time. Eventually, I discovered (well more than I did as a younger child) myself and climaxed for the first time while handcuffed. The feeling was incredible and I did this often growing up.

Anyway, I had my first sexual experience at 16 and to be honest, I was not really turned on by it, mostly scared and ended up feeling a lot of pain. Eventually, I became interested in try combining sex and bondage with a boy and found that instead of being dry and it being uncomfortable, I was wet and it felt good. I was still trembling, but instead of it being fear, it was a tingly good feeling.

So, when I went away for college, I became much more sexually active, but more and more, I could only become excited if I was handcuffed, tied up or otherwise in bondage. It is a hard thing to introduce to a boy, so I mainly did this to myself and was caught for the first time by a roommate when I fell asleep handcuffed behind my back and gagged. At first she freaked out and thought something had happened to me, but it was clear by how I was dressed and how other bondage gear were spread around my bed that I did it to myself.

This was probably the most embarrassing day of my life and spoiled my relationship with her and she told a number of people about the incident, which only added to my embarrassment. This led to me feeling a fair amount of shame and fear about it, but it really only made the desire more intense.

With guys, I could only have sex and enjoy it if I was restrained in some way and I could struggle against bonds, especially straining my legs. I still also did a fair amount of self bondage and like an idiot would do things like walk blocks away, handcuff myself without a key and then walk back unnoticed. I had a couple of close calls, but that adrenaline rush makes it something I want to do more. I eventually stopped doing risky things like that outdoors, but it is still a vivid part of my fantasies.

It is something I really enjoy, but it makes my sex life very complicated. I find myself, especially during times of stress, looking forward to going home so I can feel the comfort of self bondage if I am alone or being chained or tied by a boyfriend if I am not.

I am happy and normal in every other way, but when I get excited, my thought go to bondage. I am not sure where to go from here, but just knowing that someone else has experienced something would be a relief. I hate thinking that I am some kind of broken person and having this secret ways pretty heavily on me when I am around friends and family.