My boyfriend ignored our safeword in bondage and took it way too far. What should I do?

My boyfriend and I like to fool around with bondage. Usually it feels really good and fun and we do have a safeword incase things get too hot. On the weekend i was tied up naked on the bed. Basically my ankles and wrists were handcuffed to each corner of our bed. My boyfriend started tickling me all over my body (im insanely ticklish). It had desired effect and I just lost control of everything and went wild. The problem was he just didn't stop. I started crying and I used the safeword but he tickled me non stop for half an hour. Now I just feel violated and like I dont know him anymore. I want to talk about but I'm just not sure where to go? How can I trust him again? What are people's thoughts on what I should do or say?
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Most Helpful Guys

  • This is the problem with people getting involved in bondage and BDSM games who don't understand the reality of what it means to give up this level of control to someone and trust that they won't take it too far, and more often than not it is taken too far, because the one in control, doesn't understand the trust being placed upon them, and they fail to realize they're the ones who have to know when to stop.

    The other problem is those who are giving up the control are lured into a false sense of security with the ridiculous concept of "safewords". Because just as you just found out, once you are tied down and at the mercy of another person, your only safe word is the trust you put in that person to stop once you voice it. If they choose to ignore it as your boyfriend did, then the safeword is meaningless, which is why in true BDSM form, there is no such thing as safewords. There is only those you trust with your physical, emotional, and mental state during your sexual 'games' and those you do NOT trust.

    Therefore, my first and foremost advice to you is that if you DO NOT trust the person that you are with to keep you safe and respect your body during your sexual exploits, then absolutely DO NOT be with that person or be at their mercy in any sense of the word. Let me give you another example: What if you were tied down and then gagged. Just how are you going to utter a safeword then? You can't, and everyone needs to stop attempting to behave under the illusion that its possible.

    I mean what if he hadn't just kept tickling? What if he had actually allowed the sexual games to go far beyond what he did and allowed say, "Others" to have sex with you instead. Sure, that's rape, but in the mean time you're the one still handcuffed to the bed.

    Your boyfriend broke the cardinal rule of such sexual events. He broke faith and trust with you. That is not something so easily repaired, at least not in my opinion. He ignored you once. Who's to say he won't do it again. In my view, he has destroyed any chance he should have of ever being with you in this way again, and you should never let yourself be at his mercy again, because he has just proven he is untrustworthy of having that power and control over you... ever again. That's my bottom line.

  • Clearly you need to talk to him and make it clear to him how betrayed you felt when he violated your trust. BDSM is very much trust based and if he can't be trusted, then you shouldn't play with him. Here're some tips for the conversation:

    www.girlsaskguys.com/.../a10152-how-to-talk-to-your-so-about-sex

Most Helpful Girls

  • My husband and I like this kind of stuff too, but we would never ignore the safe word. your guys sounds like a dick, I don't think I could trust him anymore after that.

    @CosmicShores is this considered rape? She said stop and he didn't.

    Either way I wouldn't let him have the advantage again. You've realized he's untrustworthy and basically took advantage of your vulnerability and violated your body and trust.

    • Yes.

    • This is considered rape.

    • Thank you for the MHO! I'm glad I could help. Please, if you need a friend or someone to talk to or get advice from, shoot me a message. Im a really good listener and advice giver

  • You should talk to him, only him. It's a violation and so not cool. Shoot down any attempts at bondage for a while, teach him a lesson but first talk to him. Show him that it's hard to trust again if something like that happens.

    Answer mine too please?
    www.girlsaskguys.com/.../q2118479-how-do-i-go-about-this

  • He doesn't have respect for you. Your trust for him is lost and so is the relationship. You need trust and respect in a relationship and he has none.

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • This was cruel torture. I would never trust this asshole again. How can you?

  • I would never put myself in that situation with that person EVER gain. The fact that you had fore thought to have a safe word and he ignored it... shows that he cares more about his own feelings/desires than yours.

  • Tickling is... BDSM to you?

    • In a mild form yes. Its a good way to psychologically dominate someone

  • Well, you need to have it out firstly. He needs to explain why he didn't stop. But to me, it sounds like a grounds for breakup. He's subjected you to extreme abuse essentially. Even if it is psychological abuse rather than physical (or I don't know, I've never been tied up and tickled). If someone is doing something against your will, and you've no means of stopping the situation, it's extremely traumatic. Basically, he's a dick. If not worse. And you've every right to be angry with him.

  • a safeword is not to be ignored so he has broken your trust and whats worse is that he knew what he was doing. you just need to tell him how you feel and if he doesn't respect you in future, then the games must stop completely.

  • He violated your trust. Big red flag. Like, really big.

  • You'll never be able to trust him so you have a decision. Sex is permanently ruined for you with him

  • I don't think I could trust him again. Bondage is based on trust that partner doesn't make you feel uncomfortable. Bondage is a great experience when the basic safe word is followed

  • that's kind of a big deal because how can you enjoy your self if you can't trust him...

  • Once a safeword is invoked it stops, it stops then, and the fact that he didn't shows that he is an unsafe partner. I wouldn't let him restrain you again, in fact I would seriously consider l;leaving, and if he throws a fit, threaten legal action (it was rape).

    Part of being a Dom is control, not only of the partner, but especially of yourself. If he doesn't have that control, what happens if you get a pinched nerve, or have trouble breathing, or blood flow issues into a limb? A promise of "I'll do better is not enough" I certainly would insist on LOTS of vanilla stuff before even a little light bondage, and then make sure that it's in a way that you feel secure but could get out if you had to. People make mistakes, but this is one that he may have to learn by losing the girl.

  • you can't trust him again

  • At bare minimum, I'd stop BDSM for a long-ass time until I gain it back, and maybe not even then.

    If he can't honor the safe word, then that's a red flag. 30 minutes is fucked

  • Leave him completely.

    A guy who ignores a safe word might end up seriously harming you.

    Leave him now.

    • Leave him. My ex started out ignoring the safeword sometimes and then it escalated into true abuse. My shoulder hurt for several months after he shoved me.

  • You definitely need to bring it up with him. Tell him he needs to respect you enough to listen to your needs... might not have been a big deal to him, but it was to you.. Tell him your gonna have a hard time trusting him now.. and see how he reacts. Hopefully he will take it all seriously. As for being tied up.. I would take that all back a few steps until your comfortable with him again. Next time you don't want him to ignore your safe word while doing something else right? Good luck hun

  • That sounds unusually cruel and sick

  • You defintely can't trust him. What kind of man would take pleasure from tickling a girl for 30 mins. A weird one. He took pleasure from seeing you upset and tbh I still wouldn't be with him.

    • I can see how a bit of tickling is fun. It makes me squirm and struggle in the restraints. But 30min is completely insane. I couldnt even breath properly and I felt like i was just convulsing on the bed. If it wasn't so humiliating I would prob break up with him. I just dont want to tell people why

  • tickling !!! is it a word for sex right ?

    • We had fooled around with it before. Its a very easy way to dominate someone that's tied up.

    • it s better to clear matter with him

  • ... Man, you'd claim he isn't dominant enough if he had just stopped like that

  • tickling? seriously. Tickling?

    • Youve never had a tickle fight with your girl before?

    • but in bdsm? im single by the way

    • google tickling porn, some guys really get off on it.

  • avoid BDSM until you can trust him again. If he asks why, tell him because he ignored the safeword the last time and went too far

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