My boyfriend is cheating on me with an Asian chick, why?

[Anonymous]

I checked his phone (I know it's an invasion of privacy) but I had my suspicions. I found out that he had sex with her at least 3 times and he bought her jewellery and other gifts. I don't get what he sees in her. I feel gutted and I just don't know what to do now.

[MrOracle]

Is your boyfriend a hot, popular guy? Do lots of other girls find him attractive? If so, then you were always going to share him.

Today, especially with IG and Tinder, virtually ALL women are going after ONLY the MOST attractive guys and completely ignoring 80-90% of men. But these top 10% men have tons of options - lots of women are interested in them - and most of those guys are going to cheat. This shouldn't be news to you - it's a well-known and well-understood phenomenon. Many women still choose these men even fully knowing he's going to cheat on her eventually - they'd rather share a top guy than "settle" for an 8/10 guy who would be faithful to her.

If you go for a guy out of your league, especially with a really attractive guy, this is almost always going to be the outcome. It has nothing to do with you - he's banging her BECAUSE HE CAN. If it wasn't her, it would be some other girl. If he was with the Asian girl, he might be banging you on the side, because he can.

I see this happen all day long - YouTube, TikTok, and Twitter are full of women in this exact same situation for exactly the same reason (assuming what I wrote applies to you - which I suspect it does though of course I can't know that for sure). But if what I wrote is true, then you need to accept that this was a consequence of your own decisions, and next time, you need to make better decisions that are more likely to give you a better LONG-TERM outcome. I'm sure in the beginning, everything was great with this guy, but that's what happens when you prioritize short-term outcomes instead of long-term ones.

[Curmudgeon]

Ok, I could ask you more about this lady that might be specifically appealing, or I could explain some of the appeal of the Asian persuasion (I'm in California, it happens a lot out here), but first, just some thoughts off the top of my head:

1. You are 30-35. Is he? Is this other lady?

2. Did you see a future with him? Children with him? Or did you just see it as comfort from being alone?

3. Did HE see a future with you? Children with you? Or did HE just see it as comfort from being alone?

4. What did he expect, and what did you, from your relationship?

5. How did he meet her? Work? Night School? Internet site?

[Asker]

My boyfriend is 39 and I don't know her age, but she looks younger than me, of course she does right? Do you think he wants a younger woman? I found a lot of messages from her on his phone and I have no idea how or where he met her. He works a loit and travels a lot for work. Do you think he's serious about her? Like is he really going to leave me for her?

[Curmudgeon]

OK, following up: "My boyfriend is 39 and I don't know her age, but she looks younger than me, of course she does right?" Well, that IS often an appeal of the East Asian persuasion, yes. They age well. She might even be older than you and just look younger. (NOTE: Contrary to popular misguided belief, they are NOT demure and agreeable to anything a fellow wants. Cross a Dragon Lady and the claws and fangs will come out!) "Do you think he wants a younger woman?" That is possible. Again, I know not. And I also do not know how deep an understanding you two had with each other with respect to a future marriage, children, finances, etc. "I found a lot of messages from her on his phone and I have no idea how or where he met her. He works a lot and travels a lot for work. Do you think he's serious about her? Like is he really going to leave me for her?" I think it is time to confront him on this. If it is any consolation (and likely it isn't), he may simply want to "have his cake and eat it, too". I am not saying that is fair or just, simply that many people do think this way. This will hurt, like taking off a bandaid that over time bonded to your healing scab, but better now than later.

[SueShe]

Don't let it go. It is not a phase that he has. If you do that, you agree with his behavior. Not only would you agree with it but you also endorse it. By not saying anything, you only indicate that he is not important in your life and that it does not disturb you. You only give him an incentive to cheat even more.

Why an Asian and not someone else? Simply to try other ethnicities. Once he has tried the Asians, he will move on to some other ethnicity until he has done them all. If you remain silent, you only will suffer each time he cheats on you.

This behavior should be a red flag to you and the reason why you should sever this toxic relation at once. Pretending like nothing happened only makes you look weak in character and personality.

[Asker]

Thank you for the helpful response. I'm scared to leave him because he's everything I wanted and I don't want to lose him to her. From her messages it sounded like he bought her some expensive gifts that he never would get me. He even tells her that he loves her, and he misses her constantly. It hurts me so bad and I'm really scared that he will break up with me.

[SueShe]

I do feel sorry for you and what you have to go through right now. If you don't want to lose him and honestly believe that his attitude is only a one time thing, then I suggest you write down a list where you see issues (past and present) with your relation. Next to each issue, write a possible solution that you think is acceptable to both. Next, ask your boyfriend to write a similar list, independent from yours, and ask him also to bring concrete solutions. Next you sit together and go over the lists trying to find a consensus that is acceptable to both. It is important to sit together when you are not upset or angry because it would falsify the outcome. Good luck to you.

[Asker]

Thank you for your kindness, I'm scared to ask him for anything right now because I feel like any issues between us will just push him to leave me for her.

[SueShe]

Sooner or later you will have to make a decision even though it hurts you. Ask yourself: What is better for myself? To suffer a number of weeks or to pretend nothing happened and to get hurt even more once he leaves you for the other girl? Next ask yourself why this all happens to you? You will have to talk with him and not let him get away thinking he is fooling with you not only physically but also emotionally. Let him know that you have the strength of character and determination. If you say nothing and just suffer in silence, he wins on all fronts but if you let him know that you are not the type of person that he can use like a puppet, he will realize that you also have the strength and determination to do whatever is best for YOU.

[Asker]

I know you're right, but I feel so attached to him right now and I'm scared to confront him. I don't know If I'll ever find another man like him, he's gorgeous and smart, and funny etc. I guess should've expected something like this right? I just feel more threatened by her for some reason. Maybe because she's Asian and I'm really worried he will dump me.

[SueShe]

Him being 39 is in what I think the beginning of his mid-life crisis and perhaps even the start of his andropause. He needs to prove to himself that he still has what it takes to attract other women. Now, if this Asian girl has a little common sense, she will realize that she is only a substitute for as long as it takes for him to get tired of her. Once they separate, and that will happen rather sooner than later, then what? He will want to try to get to another girl because he is no fool and knows perfectly that you will consent to it silently since you don't act upon his cheating. He will laugh silently because he knows he got you in his power because you don't defend yourself. Once he has gone through a number of conquests and that he is no longer successful, he knows you always be there waiting for him. Is that really what you want?

[starfoxxy64]

On all truth I do not give no fucking care if there something so called " fever " for whomever. Because my own boyfriend told me that I should fight for his attention & love ; to prove to him that I really loved him, even knowing that he keeps cheated on me with another female. Guess what? Enjoy that other woman. 🖕😬 What is a little too rough? Because nothing else can change many cheaters.

[Guy13]

Asian women are attractive from Filipina to Asia proper. Lots of various cultures and looks included in that characterization.

not married, right.. living together ⁉️

[Asker]

We live in the same building, but we have separate apartments. We've been together off and on for 2 years. I don't get what the big deal is about Asian women and I don't want him to throw away everything. I just thought he was such a good guy and I never imagined this. I hate him so much right now.

[Guy13]

It will happen again. You two 🚢 has sailed. Too bad that you can not say anything..

[Asker]

I don't know if I should tell him that I know? Like what's so great about her anyway, I feel so hurt.

[Guy13]

Either way, you do not trust him. You really have never trusted him fully as he has no intention of committing fully to you. You both cheated and violated Trust. Two Wrongs never make a right and neither does a wrong with expected result (distrust) make a right. For me, it would be easy to back out and fade away without ever expressing why. “She” does not need to know that I know…for me.

[Asker]

I didn't cheat on him though, I never would. He's the best guy I've ever had and I don't want to lose him. I know this will sound racist, but why would a guy like him, handsome, successful, white guy want an Asian woman?

[Guy13]

As one…modeled 12-26 white angelic skin emaciated to adult, I find Asian women more traditional and conservative than American liberal women. Filipinas…some are body counters…but the “pure Asians” that I know, both in USA and Asia (work) have a conservative way about them. In USA, Asian is “just a thing”

[Tammymooory9]

Definitely get rid of him he's nothing but a piece s*** you deserve better than that

[OlderAndWiser]

"My boyfriend is cheating on me with an Asian chick, why?" Yu likely will nevre get a satisfactory explanation for why this has happened, and I doubt that there is any explanation that would satisfy you. But more importantly, why does the answer to that question matter? Is there some explanation he could give that make you feel that his behavior is acceptable? You can't do anything to change his behavior.

The better question "why are you still calling him boyfriend?" Why haven't you already broken up with him? Do you really think that the best you deserve is a cheater?

[JamesDiaz11]

Asian women are hot, and they hold their figure (typically) better than white women do (who hold it better than blacks and hispanics). As someone who has suffered from yellow-fever for my entire adult life, I get the attraction, but you should confront him and ask why he's cheating. Don't get emotional, just tell him that you know he's been seeing another girl, and ask what his intentions are. If he wants to stay with you then you can set some rules of how he gets back in your good graces.

It could just be wanting sex with someone new, and she's it. It's a phase, and he'll get tired of her, and stay with you; however, if he's actually interested in replacing you, you should make the first move.

Also, if this guy is pretty great, it's important to know that high value men are going to cheat- and you shouldn't hurt your own feelings by trying to find out if they are (just remain ignorant and oblivious)- its not a bad spot to be the main girl/ wife of a high value guy.

[spartan55]

You don't know what to do now? Uh, leave, block and go no contact. You are already getting hung up on the wrong thing (how attractive YOU think she is, her race (why?)... forget that shit. So he doesn't even know you know yet?

[LiamSawyer]

He may possiblybhave Asian fever, some guys get a burning desire to be with an Asian women and it's referred to as Asian fever. What you have to understand is that in some Asian countries they're very sexual and open to many sexual things and from wha I've heard some guys find them irresistable. It may be a passing lust or he may get hooked but either way you have to decide to either dump him or fight for him.

[Asker]

I confronted him about it early this morning and when we were both leaving for work we got into a big argument. I did ask him if he was just going through an Asian phase? He said that there's no such thing and that I was just being racist and making excuses. He said I don't acknowledge that our relationship isn't good, and he said that he's been in love with Melissa (That's her name) for like 4 months.

[LiamSawyer]

Oh oh, I'm sorry to hear that for your sake. Maybe in the long run you're better off this way but perhaps you didn't see how he was feeling. He certainly dudn't respect you enough to break up with you before he started fucking Melissa. I know it's hard to accept butbthevsooner you do and thevsoonervyou move on and findva guy that truly loves you and isn't cheating behind your back the better. If you need to talk about it or vent you can message me if you want.

[Dargil]

A. Cheating is the ultimate betrayal of trust.

[Lenell]

Race is irrelevant. Its unchecked instinct. Males need to cum. Supposed to plant lots of seeds with many wives to survive mass extinctions. The inability to not cheat is either taught or mental illness.

[Monica1984_]

What does race have to do anything. Just break up with him.

[Asker]

I don't know, I guess I'm just a bit insecure that she's more attractive or something? He sent her messages talking about her "Cute ass" and saying how bad he misses her kisses. I just feel disgusted and betrayed at this point.

[Monica1984_]

By accepting it your allowing him to do so.

[convo_king89]

He is not happy with you or ur not smart enough

[vald9inches]

Either cheat on him or confront him about it and trying to understand why he did it or break up with him

[Asker]

I don't want anybody else to be honest, I just want my boyfriend. I don't think he would even care if I cheated at this point because he already has her. I'm going to talk to him more later after work.

[vald9inches]

Would you be open to the idea of having an open relationship? Sometimes guys and girls just want to have variety excitement in their sex life it doesn't mean that they don't love you or are not loyal to you

[Asker]

I just want him to want me. I want him to love me like he used to, but now everything is a mess.

[vald9inches]

Add me if you like i think i can help you

[Mangospacho]

Yeah you gotta leave him if you want to be with someone who only wants to be with you.

[maximumpower]

Move on.
More fish in the sea.

[Twalli]

Even if it is a phase he's still cheating on you, so there's no reason to keep him. If it was a specific porn fetish, then that'd be a different story.

[jimmy2]

Kick his ass out of he door he never changed

[Anonymous]

maybe the Asian girl is attractive and he likes her or have a crush on her and he have feelings for her

[Anonymous]

Relaxe, take a deep breath, its just a phase. She is probably just a friend.

[Asker]

I read lots of text messages where they were flirting and he asked her if she had a good time last night etc. They always say I love you and send hearts and intimate messages.

[Anonymous]

Tell him that, be open to his fantasies

[Asker]

I talked to him this morning, but we didn't have much time. I don't know what his fantasies are with her. I know that there's porn about white men and Asians on his phone and I guess he's into them. I don't want to share him.

[Opinion Owner]

if he wants to share you

[Anonymous]

Confront him with proof, then dump his sorry ass.

[Anonymous]

Men will cheat. End of story.

[Asker]

I never thought he was like that, I thought he loved me. Now it feels like nothing was real and I don't undertstand how he can just be so cruel. I honestly feel like garbage, like I can't compete with her. I'm starting to hate Asian women.