My boyfriend is into BDSM, and wants to try stuff and I'm scared?

So he told me last night that he was into it. im completely freaked out about it, because I don't Want him to hit me and shit. Like he is a lot rougher when we have sex but I never thought anything about it before. He has done it to previous girlfriends and wants to try stuff to me but I'm terrified at the thought of getting hurt, I don't even know what he will do. Has anyone been in a relationship like that, what's it like? Should I be as scared as I am to try it?
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Most Helpful Girls

  • Me and my boyfriend practice BDSM and let me tell you, if you ever feel scared or like you don't want to try something, you definitely don't need to. We switch roles so I can give you insight from being a dom/sub :)

    Okay, so, as a dom, I can tell you that you never want to actually hurt your sub. Not emotionally. Sure, some doms enjoy causing some mild pain and maybe that's your boyfriend, but if my boyfriend told me that he wasn't comfortable with me hitting him, then there is absolutely no way that I'm going to try and do that or try and pressure him into letting me.

    BDSM is about trust and partnership and communication. If you can't express yourself without fear, or your partner ignores what you say, then you are not in a healthy relationship and it isn't going to work.

    Okay, as a sub, if you ever feel unsafe, then it's not working out right. No matter how much pain or humiliation my boyfriend causes me, I never ever feel like I'm in any danger or that I'm not enjoying what's happening because we have boundaries that we've set out beforehand which is extremely important in BDSM (you need to know what your partner enjoys and what is off limits) and we have a safe word.

    A safe word is literally the most important thing ever for BDSM. If someone tries to convince you that you don't need one, then get yourself the hell out of there, y'know? A safe word ensures that if you feel unsafe or uncomfortable with anything that's happening, you only have to say one word - without being scared of punishment or judgement for saying it - and then everything stops. You're taken out of the situation that scares you and you're with your boyfriend again and you're being taken care of and you just don't do that again. Safe words are vital.

    So you can try out BDSM if you'd like and you can restrict him from hitting you. My boyfriend's hit me in the face before during a scene and I just burst into tears. I feel completely calm and am enjoying myself but I just can't stop crying and because of that, we don't do that anymore. It's totally possible to try out BDSM without anyone having to get hit.

    I really recommend talking this over with your partner. Explain what you're concerned about and ask what kind of things he would like to try. Tell him what he is definitely not allowed to do to you. Have a safe word or try out the traffic light system (e. g. green means it's going well, amber means slow down, red means stop right now.). And be safe! <3

    • I. Can't talk to him about it because I'd get soo embarrassed😂

    • If you can't talk to him about it, then you can't let him try BDSM out with you. Simple as that.

    • I don't think I could let him, but I think he's going to make me

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  • Hey, everyone's got their limits and that's completely okay! There's no amount of fear you "should" be feeling; whatever you feel is valid. I'd suggest watching/reading some BDSM things, even if you just skim, so you can see if maybe there are some aspects of BDSM that don't freak you out as much. Then have a serious talk with him about what exactly he likes, what exactly he wants to do, and let him know what your hard-limits are (it sounds like pain is a hard limit, for example). If he doesn't respect that or tries to push you to do something you've made clear is off-limits, it's a bad sign and you might want to consider finding someone who's more compatible (and respectful).

  • If you're scared its a red flag for you not to do it, because it doesn't make you comfortable. there's little things that he could try thats on the lighter side, as him what stuff he would like to try because there's a huge world of BDSM.. he just has to be specific. If you're not open to it, you don't have to

Most Helpful Guys

  • I know you said your'e too shy to talk about it with him a few times but if you're taking that plunge you have to talk. If its stressing for you then ask him what he would like to try. He can do most of the talking and then you can nod and shake your head as long as he gets the message.

    Do get a safeword.

    Start light. This might be something you will enjoy. A spanking? maybe some lightly tied silk ribbons to the bed and otherwise whatever is more normal to you. It is all about trust. Don't force yourself to try it but if you're willing to test something, let him know what and where the limit is drawn.

  • The real question is this: Would you enjoy this stuff? Read 50 Shades of Grey. After that, if you enjoyed that, then this might be for you, but if you do not, then it is best that you find a new boyfriend because one of you will not be happy at all in the long run if you stay together because sexual chemistry is extremely important.

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • I'm sort of the aggressor in my relationship. There are a lot of boundaries set and when he says no, it means no. I know when to stop. Maybe that's something worth discussing. Explain to him your fears and worries. But remember, its okay if you don't want to do it 😊

  • yes, and yes. bit to avoid being scared. just have a talk with him about what he is into. and with him, make a list of things he can and can not do to you

  • Safe words exist, and as someone else said: set boundaries. If you don't want him to slap you in the face, tell him. Don't want him to choke you? Stress that.

    Maybe you guys just aren't sexually compatible and have to let it go. But, I personally say try it before you totally write it off. Start with smaller stuff first, and work up to the more intense aspects of it.

  • Yes, you are perfectly right to be scared, because he seems to value causing pain over causing pleasure.

  • You're not into sex being about pain. I'm not either. If that's how you feel you just have to let him know that you're not gonna do that stuff. Period.

  • I've been pretty dominant with women before. Some like it, some don't. You're the latter. Don't do anything that doesn't turn you on.

  • Voice your concerns and ask him to start light with maybe some cuffs and have a safety word

  • Don't be scared but set guidelines saying this is fine this is not