Sexual Relationships 
Sexual Health My boyfriend told me he had spanked and used hair pulling during sex with his ex. Is he a misogynistic jerk?
Anonymous
I'm very disappointed. I didn't see him that way. He tries to find excuses and all but I'm not really convinced... I don't really like how he justifies what he did.
Updates:
+1 y
I said I wanted some space to think about it. Thank you everybody for not giving many interesting points of view (besides some of course).
1 3
What Girls & Guys Said
16 56It's called kinks. It doesn't have to do anything with real-life behavior. Some woman likes to be spanked and manhandled while others don't. It's all normal and we all are different. There are guys who are dominant in bed and want to have control, that doesn't mean he hates women or thinks men are superior to women, it's just sexual preference. You have guys who manhandle the fuck out of girls and degrade them in bed, but in real life, they treat their so like queens.
Having said all this, I don't see a problem (as long as it's consensual) with this, and neither I think he is a misogynistic jerk. I consider myself a feminist and I'm all for equality and woman rights, but I would let my boyfriend dominate me in bed, while outside the bedroom, I wouldn't tolerate him bossing me around. Bedroom personality/life is not the same thing as real-life personality/life.
I’m a feminist and I want to be respected in and out of the bedroom. Personality doesn’t change that much actually. I like congruency anyway…
"I am a narrow-minded person with limited and very basic tastes." that said, if you're not into that kind of thing, then just don't participate in it. No need to judge others who like it.
Why not? After all, peope here are judging me a lot lol
They're not judging you for being vanilla. They're judging you for being judgmental. There's nothing wrong with 2 consenting adults being a little kinky.
Of course people are judging me lol. I’m boring, a prude, a bitch,…
Or that I’m sooooooooo « inexperienced ».
It's not necessarily abusive. Many people, both men and women, enjoy being spanked. Even more enjoy having their hair gently pulled. I think you are being a bit close-minded. If I were your boyfriend, I would leave because you are too young to be in a relationship.
Sure. I don’t want to be manhandled so I’m too young. Weird logic…
If he communicated with his partner what each other wanted, there was agreement, and they did whatever in bed... I don't think that's misogynistic.
Now if he just did it without asking, then you would have a point. But if it was consensual and everything then I don't see the problem.
Personally I like some hair pulling; probably would like spanking, too. Just ask first and be open to any response. That seems normal. Not misogynistic.
Some girls like their hair being pull and ass being spanked. In fact, most of the women I've dated have liked at least one if not both of those things. If you don't want or like your ass being spanked or grabbed, don't date someone who enjoys doing that. Simple.
Absolutely agree with that.
Some women like having their hair pulled and being spanked. He was probably doing what his ex liked, and you shouldn't judge him for that. If you don't want your hair pulled or spanked, tell him. If you have a good relationship, he'll do what you want.
Just weird to accept to perform that type of acts
What's weird for one is desired by another.
Violence…
Depends if she was into it. How did this even come up in convo?
I asked if he was into some things that were a bit unusual…
Some girls like that
Update: probably a good idea. Just don’t shame girls who are into that.
To enjoy being manhandled isn’t healthy. I have the right to say it.
You have the right to say it but if someone likes that it’s none of your business. How many old school feminist icons do you think liked being submissive in bed?
I’m not into that stuff. But some people are and it’s their right.
Some people are into automutilation or want to kill themselves… Some people being into something doesn’t make this thing right.
So, a lot of women like spanking and hair pulling during sex. Perhaps he was just trying to satisfy his ex?
And that’s an excuse?
it may have been something that his partner liked having done to her.
Everyone is different when it comes to their sexual desires, otherwise it could be pretty boring if sex was just the same old thing.
So, each to their own behind closed, and for those that like exhibitionism open doors, as long as both parties are in agreement what difference does it make to someone else.
If that is something that you do not like and would not participate in whatever it is, which by your post I'm pretty sure will never happen, let your partner know what your boundaries are ahead of time.
My point is : I doubt people can get away from a kink easily. I don’t want someone who would pressure me into doing something I find repellent. At the same time, if a guy has this type of violent inside him, I simply don’t want to be around him. I don’t want to be threatened in my own house.
Was she into bdsm? Did he engage in consent, safe word and aftercare? If yes, nothing to worry about.
If not, yes your concerns are valid. He might be a prick.
I guess most people don’t understand « rough sex » is actually BDSM… Though, violence is violence. Try and do spank or pull hair of your girlfriend/boyfriend in a public place and see how people react lol.
BDSM is consented so...
So what? Do you know that choking is a dangerous behavior? Do you know that slapping is too? How can consent justify everything?
Hey, hey now. It just means you're not into bdsm. Take a chill.
BDSM is just violence lol
Let's not link shame
*kink shame
If it was consensual and mutual I don't see the issue. He was just pleasing his partner, if its not your thing thats fine but don't judge her by your standards.
Judge who? His ex girlfriend?
Both of them.
Of course. Everyone judges everyone. Just like everyone here is judging me lol.
Lots of women like bring spanked, have their hair pulled and even chocked.
It’s not really that weird nor is it misogynistic.
and to be honest when it comes to BDSM that’s pretty much the tamest stuff there is.
This has nothing to do with misogyny. He just enjoys BDSM.
Uhh... are you living under a rock?
Most women love that rough sh%t
Most people who are violent are men… Lol
I've been with 500+ and I always make it a point to ask these Heauxs what they like. They say they love a dominant male who is rough, spanks, pulls hair, etc.. and over 90% of them said they had a raape fetish fantasy.
That’s what I said lol. These heauxs are the type that go with a guy like you. Admit it. You enjoyed it. Each time.
I know you would too. GUARANTEED
What?
Just because someone feels that something is weird or wrong doesn’t always make it that way and this is one of them. If both parties are into it and like it than I see nothing wrong.
The point isn't what his ex thought about it. This is about me. I have the right to be concerned regarding his past behaviors...
I just don’t see this as a concern. There’s tons of guys that do this that keep it only in the bedroom. If it’s that big of a deal for you maybe you shouldn’t be with him though.
That’s what I thought. And that’s why I told him I wanted some space.
Do a little research, you will find those are among the top fantasies of women.
So…? Does it mean it’s ok to do it then?
Yes, and sometimes even necessary. One of my friends can only orgasm when she has pain involved. We would see bruises on her, and were going to beat the shit out of her husband, until she told one of our ladies what was up. She said her husband didn't like it, but did various BDSM things to please her.
She obviously need psychological support.
No you're just a basic women w/ limited sexual experience.
Why?
Because these acts you're describing are normal everyday sex acts that are vanilla in nature. The fact you're posting them on a public forum shows how limited your sexual experience is. I mean come on hair pulling? I dont think I've ever met a woman who had her hair pulled during sex. It's not a bad thing but you're showing your inexperience.
How is that vanilla lol?
Apologies what I mean to say is these acts are Vanilla to sexually active people. I actually wish you were around when I was having a discussion about why I prefer sex w/ women between the ages of 28- 35 vs women under 28. You're still in the beginning stages of your sexuality so I can see how these things can seem extreme, but most sexually active people engage in things like spanking and hair pulling, it's a rather basic part of sex.
I would never participate in that kind of acts. It’s gross.
You're certainly entitled to your opinion but for every women who won't there's thousands that will.
Good for them then lol
Every question doesn't always require a reply. You asked if your boyfriend is a misogynist because of his previous sexual experiences it should be clear to you he's not. Your opinion on other people's sex life isn't needed to further the conversation.
How did that feel? Did you think he wasn’t taking care of you?
Not with me...
Oops you did say your ex. Well I can understand why he did that
I def started vanilla
His ex...
Sorry I’m distracted. Yes I can understand why He did this to His ex. i have done that with an Ex. I may not with my next girlfriend if she isn’t into it. Comes back to communication
It's not the point
What is the point?
Just read the question
I read the question. If his ex asked him to spank her that doesn’t make him a jerk. It means that he communicated with her.
I mean did she spank him too?
I guess not
I wonder why she didn’t
I don't know lol
Hmm, better ask him
by the way I’m also a feminist
Are you trying to justify your behavior?
My behavior doesn’t need justification. Why do you ask?
Why the need to mention it then?
Because you mentioned being a feminist in another answer. Often times it seems like ill see a more radical feminist label all guys as misogynist and I cringe. Doesn’t help the cause
I don’t think all guys are. Many.
Why?
he likes it rough and hsrd.. that's it
He said he was pretty vanilla and did it cause he was instructed to do so...
so he was just being sub and doing as was instructed... means his ex likes it rough and hard
I don't know if she's the one who told him to do so or if it was his friends. I'm not sure.
more of she... that's y he did that to her... u can dm me to discuss more about it
Not necessarily. Some people, girls and boys like that kind of thing.
And…?
And what?
If someone wants to be beaten up or to beat someone up. Is that ok?
If someone wants smacked or choked then that is acceptable. As long as everyone is in agreement I don't see any problem with it.
Well, I do.
Well, you are entitled to your opinion. Then if it happens to you call the authorities. But if someone wants to be smacked, then that is their right. I happen to like getting smacked as a matter of fact. 😈