My closet gay brother is sleeping around, he might have STDs and it’s causing family distress, what should I do?

[Anonymous]

I’m the eldest and also from an Asian family. My mother is conservative and we had known he is gay/supposedly bisexual for few years now because we caught him hide toys and gay porn. He is 25 and was not prepared to come out at the time. We haven’t spoken about it since. My father knows nothing because he most likely will kill him and disown him.

Being Asian descent, it isn’t really accepted in our culture. My mother has tried to sweep it under the carpet and not believe in it, but given he is still living under her roof, his behaviour has been getting out of hand. He is sleeping around with random guys and even during coronavirus, he is still going around.

My mother is in a lot of distress because she found medications from a sex clinic at the beginning of the year TWICE, but she never said anything and told me recently that he most likely has caught something and clearly doesn’t care about his health.

I don’t know what to do because he has been acting all erratic and his behaviour is very off to the point where he has no respect. I know he’s on lots of dating sites and meets guys twice his age.

I don’t know how to confront him. We are close siblings, but he lies to me with where he’s going and what he’s doing.

What should I do? We are worried he has caught HIV and doesn’t care.

[RemoErdosain]

Unless you're able to accept him as he is and tell him that you're honestly on his side, he won't confide in you for awhile. Maybe he will never confide in any of you again, but I think family support could mean a lot to him. It sounds like he's very troubled and is desperately wanting help and validation, validation that maybe he thinks he's getting from the strangers he meets, since he doesn't get it at home. I know you care for him, and so does your mother, and given your upbringing, you're being very open-minded as it is. If you could truly accept him, maybe there is hope for your household still. If you can't, though, then separation will be the only way

[Anonymous]

He isn't the one with the problem, your family is.

What he does is literally none of your business, at all.

Of course he keeps secrets, he lives with bigots, thats a choice your family made not him, you are responsible for creating that situation.

Stop going through his stuff (mother)

How dare you talk about respect when you (or mother, whatever) are routinely violating his privacy.

I dont know what the HIV infection rate is like in your country but unless you live in Africa is unlikely that he has HIV (higly unlikely, they dont even test for it ordinarily in the uk because its a waste of time to do so.)

[Asker]

She is not routinely violating his privacy actually. He leaves his stuff lying around the house actually to be viewed, so in fact he’s being careless of his actions.

[RemoErdosain]

I didn't know about the UK having such a low rate of HIV. That's really awesome for you guys. Where I live it's not uncommon for someone to have HIV, I'm afraid

[Opinion Owner]

@RemoErdosain Its about 100,000 out of 70 million, so they just ask you questions about who you have been sleeping with and if you aren't in a risk group they dont test. Yeah, I guess we are fortunate to have been able to control the problem, there was a lot of adverts and awareness raising from at least the 1980s. Its one of those things, the more people that have it the more it spreads (obviously) if you can't contain it when numbers are low you are going to have serious problems. Like this corvid 19 thing.

[RemoErdosain]

Exactly, if you stop the spread early on and put good measures, you're good

[Anonymous]

As long he lives under the family roof he needs to be respectful of the house. He is 25 he can leave and get privacy as much as he likes. Just talk to him. My understanding your concerns are more health related and maybe your mom is not comfortable touching his stuff because I bet she is the one cleaning his room and washing his clothes. I know it is a cultural thing but stop spoiling him. He is 25 already!

[Dargil]

I am not East Asian but am involved with the Asian culture of family through my SO.
You cannot regulate him and he is exploiting your civility to live off your family and pursue his own appetites much against your family's moral structure. This soils the fabric of your home and of your family. You must show him to the door. Put his belongings outside the door and tell him he is no longer welcome in the home. He will try to negotiate but he will be lying. Letting him stay will not be love. Leaving him to his choices is love.

[nicebutnaughty]

Tell him to go stay ag his boy friend

[Anonymous]

If he is, I don't know what to say.
You probably shouldn't have sex with him I guess.

[Opinion Owner]

He is getting medicated, let him do it alone if he wants.