My experience in overcoming issues about intimacy in a relationship

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I promise this won't be long.

The biggest reason I'm writing this myTake is because as of late some people have been asking, not without reason - ''If you are that uncomfortable about sex and intimacy, why do you use so many erotic images for your questions?''

This is a very good point that I intend to address as to answer this question and also share the perspective of people like me who have this kind of issues or similar ones.

- It's a matter of upbringing

The 10 do's and the 500 don'ts of sex ed

Upbringing and sexual education naturally play a big part on how a person sees the concept of sex. While my parents were - and still are - quite libertine, I was raised mainly by my aunt and older sister who had the old school approach to the matter, in essence - ''That's dirty stuff and you shouldn't talk or think about it until marriage''. So any research was forbidden, porn was forbidden, and let's not get started on the terrible sin of self-abuse! Yeah, that's how they referred to masturbation in my language.

Like me, I know that many - many people grew up in similar environments and this kind of upbringing does indeed affect the whole approach to relationships and intimacy.

- You never develop interest in masturbation or are even repulsed by it

When you get forbidden from masturbating you can do two things - you either find the safe moments to do it without anyone barging in to check you aren't doing that, or you don't do it at all. Believe it or not, I took the second route. This naturally did lead to some ''incidents'' I won't elaborate upon and I started to masturbate awfully late - towards the 19-20 years of age. I didn't even know the ''proper way'' to do it and this came as a shock to my first girlfriend.

And believe me, even if it sounds hot in theory, in practice it's not pretty to have your partner teach you the ''proper way'' to do it. I had the luck that for all her faults, at least she was very tactful and patient about it.

- Intimacy is a costant drama

If you grow with these premises, it goes by itself that sex is going to be a big issue and a source of drama for your relationship. Having difficulty in adjusting to things, overcome the sensation that you are doing ''dirty stuff'', considering your partner a ''pervert'' because they are kinky or have defined tastes... the list is long. If on top of this you add bad experiences, ''games'' taken too far and other incidents, things can get bad pretty quickly.

With my current partner we employ a safeword even for the most basic activities, because sometimes even basic intimacy can trigger bad sensations, panic attacks and even feeling sick. Although I don't want to limit her in any way so I'm always more than willing to step out my comfort zone to engage in the activies she proposes, that I have to admit can get very adrenaline inducing for me and get my heartbeat race in ways I never felt.

Although I admit that sometimes watching with her all those horror movies she likes so much where young couples gets violently slaughtered mid-coitus didn't really help at first...

''What's that red stuff coming out that guy's belly?''

- Therapy can help

A good therapist can be a very good support in overcoming those issues. I have some steps forwards even though there are relapses at times, especially now that I stopped having sittings due to some issues. But it definitely helps, although having a loving, understanding and supportive partner can really make a difference.

- Having those issues doesn't mean you can't enjoy intimacy or have your tastes

I admit that although I'm still quite ''bland'' sexually speaking, and mostly follow my partner's initiative and creativity, I do genuinely like those images I use for my questions. In our apartment we have some erotic photographies and drawings - some made by my fiancée - that I really like to have and see as decorations.

I still don't like porn and explicit stuff can make me deeply uncomfortable and even a little sick, but I got reassured that after a certain point it's just a matter of personal tastes, of turn-ons and turn-offs.

Wep, that was longer than I thought, but I'm still very happy I managed to write this to shine a light on certain thematics and issues.

Thank you for reading. Feel free to comment and if you have or are going similar issues, please share your experience!

[Porcelaine]

Having a certain upbringing definitely affects you and lingers in many areas of life. It shouldn't stay that way forever. Once you grow up and develop different, independent views, you can start erasing your old ones and replace them completely, if you no longer believe the old ones to be true. There does not need to be a single drop of old belief left in you, especially if it affects you badly in the present. I dont know how early they have taught you about sex, but I imagine this is something that stayed with you for several years so it became second nature. But its up to you for how long it will continue to be this way. Seek therapy, hypnosis, meditation or any kind of treatment that will allow your new more positive views to be replaced completely and become as much a part of you as old ones were. Everyone has emotional trauma from the past, or some belief, superstition that can be crippling. But it does not have to have a hold on you for any longer that you let it. You can break free from that mentality.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I think you are right on everything and I wholeheartedly agree with you. I understand there many people who have grown up in restrictive enviroments on those things, and many of them have had it worse. Thankfully the education I received wasn't much on "fire and brimstone hell", but it still emphasized a lot on purity and dirtiness and I admit this mindset stuck a little with me, and this did lead to some conflicts with my ex and my fiancée. You are right in that those things are to be overcome and left behind, especially once the bond with that restrictive environment is broken, but sometimes there can still be relapses or moments of stop.

[AmandaYVR]

That was very well written, Jean-Marie. Of course I did not think it was too long. Very succinct, I believe.

You know I love your taste in photography. I think they are just the right mix of class and sensuality.
It just struck me, after I saw your new banner, I wonder if you are using them as a way to make yourself feel more comfortable with the subject matter. You don't seem like a guy who thinks about sex all the time, is craving it. It is certainly not lacking in your life, which makes me think that it's sort of like a very slow, deliberate immersion therapy. - Just a thought.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thank you for your very kind words, I wholeheartedly appreciate them! You are right on everything. I admit I really like this kind of photography because it's both erotic but also very relaxing. To me it really resonates the concept of slow immersion you mentioned because I agree that with those photos and in the activities with my fiancée we follow a very step-by-step process. She's very patient and understanding - even though sometimes she gets a little carried away - and this really helps. Also having a regular contact with this kind of art or make our own with photographies and drawings really helps in getting comfortable with those things.

[Anonymous]

I was told by my father that masturbation would cause brain injury (seriously), so of course I did it anyway but had to hide it, and had a lot of anxiety about it, even after I found out he was wrong. Years later, I asked him why he told me this, and he denied ever saying it. Luckily for me the anxiety never generalized to other sexual activities.

[Kakella]

I really enjoyed reading this, like always you do a very good job in showing your emotions and what you went through, and I think this both confirms some things I said and makes me understand more about you.
Keep up the good work!

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thank you for your kind words and appreciations, I wholeheartedly appreciate them. I remember we had talked about those things last year or so, am I wrong?

[midnightmoon05]

Thank you for sharing that... I am very happy for you for working on yourself. I understand its not easy at all. YOu are still young and really lucky to have a supportive partner to support you with the hurt/fear you had when growing up.
Patience... and self reflect... understanding, loving... i see bright light at the end of the tunnel so to speak

[Massageman]

Thanks for the insights!

[ClearSea]

I relate so much.

[bloodys2]

Good take.
Don't let the past stop you.

[Suxxie18]

Well you gotta admit your posts are kinda clickbait with those pics tho

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

That's fair!

[Aldos2]

Wow though shit my dude

[Anonymous]

After my ex
I literally lost my sex drive and it’s making me depressed lmao

[Anonymous]

Good article!

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Damn them ladies are sexy as hell...

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you had those experiences but I like your pics!

[Anonymous]

Omg I grew up in a sexually repressive household and that's so true for me
Thank you for writing this

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Thank you for reading!