My friends with benefits did something that made me loose all respect for him but he apologized in a really responsible way?

[Anonymous]

So a guy I hooked up with decided to visit me in my city and stay over at mine for a few days. We are both in different aspects of life right now but both attracted to each other so we decided to be friends with benefits. Second day my roommate started flirting with him and he responded positively to her then later on asked me if I was into a threesome I told him no then asked me if he could go to her room and come back? I responded no that’s disgusting either go there or go here. She was persistent to the point where one night after drinking she came and joined us in the bed with just a thong on and lied next to him, he fingered her there and I left the room and she did too at the same time. She knew I had told him either here or there. I tried to tell him no then but he kept saying I don’t want to loose you. After he left I spoke with her but she kept going around it and started texting him (we were friends too by the way the roommate and I and she has a boyfriend) eventually I cut her off and him too. He added me back and removed her and said he doesn’t know what to say except that he’s genuinely sorry from the bottom of his heart and he knows he was wrong and that there are things in himself he needs to change but he’s trying to figure out how to and he wants to come again and do it differently this time. I’m shortening it but he sent a huge message and a lot of voice notes taking accountability of everything What should I do? What does he mean differently? I already tried to cut him off a couple of times but he’s persistent on fixing it and trying to give it a real shot.

[MrOracle]

Rolleyes

"Tell me he's hot without telling me he's hot."

Either this guy is really hot or you have super low self-esteem, because if you were with a guy on your level, and he acted this way, you'd have cut him off forever without a second thought. The only reason you are entertaining this at all is because he's hot, and you want to be able to "keep him" for yourself. But you can't. If this incident didn't make that crystal clear, I'm not sure what else would.

He literally got sexual with your roommate - who is already in a relationship - with you in the same bed - after you told him no! What more does he need to do to demonstrate how much he values your opinion? Does he have to bang your little sister on your birthday on top of your birthday cake, with you sitting at the table?

This is a hot guy who easily attracts other women. He's used to sleeping around with whoever he wants, whenever he wants, and most women go along with it, just like you did, and just like your roommate did. MOST women would do exactly the same thing, so he has endless opportunity, and he fully intends to take advantage of that - believe me. And as his friends with benefits, why do you even imagine you have any hold on him to keep him from doing so?

You need to grow up and face reality: if you get with a hot guy, YOU WILL BE SHARING HIM with other women. ALWAYS. Because most other women will do exactly as you (and your roommate) did around a hot guy: willingly let him use you for sex with no commitment, even despite other commitments she has already made. You have virtually zero leverage - if you cut him off, he's still got tons of other girls he can bang - apparently including your roommate.

When you go after a hot guy, you put yourself into a situation where you have zero advantages or leverage - and you both know it. Remember: he hasn't even made any pretense of committing to you - he's just fucking you. That's it. And I'm sure he'll be happy to keep fucking you, but he's not going to stop fucking other girls - and if you believe otherwise, you are delusional. That's what you signed up for - it's part of the "hot guy package" - hot guy NOT sold separately!

[Asker]

Okay, first, I really appreciate the thought you put into the answer but you’re off and correct about a multitude of things. He’s a very good looking guy yes but so am I. Looks were a part of the first general attraction we had to each other over a year ago. And yes the stigma around good looking people is that they use their attractiveness to get what they want but there are exceptions to the rule (not defending him but talking about several people I’ve met) he did not respect my opinion when it came to her advances and I cut him off multiple times, at the same time she did not respect what I said and was continuously stripping down in the house while also kissing my a** if you read about triangulation, it’s what basically was going on. The guy did not lie to me once in this whole part which is why I was holding more regard for him whereas she was. I was the one who suggested friends with benefits, who travels 4 hours to see a booty call? and I did get my feelings involved mainly because we were eating sleeping going out and living together. The reason for friends with benefits was his inexperience because he is younger than me and she was older than the both of us. Him and I have always had interests in common, and he too had his feelings involved however disrespected me nonetheless. I have told him no and that he needs more experience in life because his apology was considerably surprising, guys don’t apologize like that. The whole thing was mishandled. What I wanted to ask from this question was the apology was as loud as the disrespect was but should I accept it, and from the answers and my own opinion I can gather that not to, at least for a long while.

[Asker]

by the way he did not know she was in a relationship only I did but saying “she has a boyfrrrriiiend” wouldn’t have helped me in the situation whatsoever, only made me look like a pathetic desperate pick me and I am not her.

[MrOracle]

Ok, but he still showed you pretty epic levels of disrespect (and your roommate wasn't any better), and that he's going to do whatever he wants to do, and hope he can sort it out later. He's obviously immature but even that doesn't really excuse his behavior. There's also the big problem that you're emotionally involved. You can't really be friends with benefits and be emotionally involved - that's lying to yourself and to him, and sooner or later, you're going to want this to become a full relationship, and you're DEFINITELY not going to want him messing around with anyone else, and all of that is just so messy that I feel like you're going to be living in constant chaos and distraction, and it won't be long before it blows up in your face.

[Asker]

Yes I completely agree with you now

[Reece12345]

All of this goes with the territory. I don't know the rules but friends with benefits aren't boyfriends, right? He can't have sex because of the "benefits" part? He's not your boyfriend, after all, so what's all the fuss about? A friend with benefits is someone you can just fuck with no other strings attached, right?

Sounds like you have feelings for him that go beyond friends with benefits. It seems like you have deeper feelings for him, because what he did made you pretty upset.

Since it sounds like you're after something deeper than this, why not take the time to get to know a guy who likes you for who you really are? A guy who really cares about you so that he would never think of sleeping with anyone else? It might help avoid all the kind of confusion that you're dealing with.

[Reece12345]

thanks for the MHO

[Daniela1982]

What's the matter, you adverse to a threesome? He was neither of yours in a committed relationship so share and share alike. That way you all can be Ho's together and not fight over him. After all, this is Christmas and you can all be Ho Ho Ho.

[Asker]

I thought we left slut shaming in 2008 , threesomes are not my thing.

[Daniela1982]

Since unmarried sex is I thought the kid gloves were off.

[Asker]

Everyone has their own preferences

[summiter]

Your roommate had no business asking him for sex without talking with you first. Your friends with benefits is just that... someone you have sex with but do not date, hangout etc. However while you both are free to have sex with anybody you want in an friends with benefits relationship you still need to communicate with each other. How is the sex with him anyway?

[Asker]

It wouldn’t have gotten this complicated if we were living together during his visit

[summiter]

True... what are your plans for the future with either of them?

[Asker]

Cut her off for sure, after the whole thing she became obsessive of what I was doing my socials and started to imitate me, some deep psychological issue or something. Luckily my lease was up too so I moved out. With the guy we had this talk he owned up to it and him wanting to do things differently but I said I don’t think we should anytime soon, good luck. but I have a feeling he’ll be back still likes my socials.

[summiter]

You can do better... time to move on from him.

[Asker]

Yes sirrr

[summiter]

Hang in there!

[Truthatanycost]

When you agree to friends with benefits, you send a message that doesn't signify self respect. A lot of women have no idea what allowing friends with benefits signifies at all. This is why you will continue to hear stories like this.

[Asker]

These type of ordeals can be fine if both parties are experienced with them. I had one that went really well and we still have very positive opinions on each other.

[QuietVerbena]

Don’t be pressured into taking him back

[Danny_dan92]

You two are friends with benefits not fucken boyfriend and girlfriend lmfao




I don't know why you’re treating the situation as so.

[Asker]

Yeah but we were kind of living together while he was visiting that’s why it got messy

[Danny_dan92]

Again. You are not in a committed relationship

[Asker]

Agreed, you’re right

[Danny_dan92]

You do have somewhat of a right to get emotional tho. Since he is sleeping with you. What you need to do from here is decide to either continue to talk to him or end the situationship

[Asker]

Ended it for the moment. We live a 3 hour plane ride away from each other, he says he wants to come again, I told him not anytime soon.

[Danny_dan92]

Oh fuck that!! Unless you live on an island I don’t see the point honestly

[Asker]

Hahah true

[Danny_dan92]

You’ll find another guy that’s down to fuck that hopefully won’t look at your friend and be like “I can’t take it anymore… 🥴”

[Asker]

Unfortunately most of my friends are drop dead gorgeous and any weak one would probably be like yeeeeaaa. Will just ride it out till I find a good one.

[Asker]

And a better friend than her.

[Danny_dan92]

On the topic of your “friend” you need to find better ones. Ones that have respect and morals and can keep their legs closed. Also… wouldn’t it make sense they do that since they are “drop dead gorgeous”? I mean if that’s the case why would they go so low and be so desperate to fuck a man that’s fucking their friend? Just saying.

[Asker]

What I meant was that any guy would be lucky to get a chance with them and secondly yes I agree with this one. Bad judgement on my part to let her so close to me, she did end up using stuff I told her to get him away from me and started imitating me, was really messed up. I’ve cut her off we know some people in common that she checks up on me from but it’ll die down eventually.

[Danny_dan92]

I’m surprised you didn’t go off on her like most girls would “That’s my dick BITCH!!!” Yeah definitely re evaluate who you’re friends with

[Asker]

Like I mentioned in another comment, it has to do with her own psychological state. I read up on this on the internet, most guys would get physical but girls play mental games and try to use sex as a tactic. She had done something subtly similar to this with another one of my dates but I believed her when she said he came onto her. This time I saw her myself.

[Asker]

The biggest haters are always hidden in your own circle

[Asker]

Fighting over dick with a friend isn’t my thing

[Danny_dan92]

I think she honestly just wanted the ego trip. That plus maybe she has a high sex drive + she thought the guy was attractive + she was horny. So those factors combined made her act like a fucken animal

[Danny_dan92]

Good on you, especially when the dick is attached to an idiot that has no bearing.

[Asker]

You got it on the point, she did have her friends with benefits coke two days before him and her boyfriend too, made me completely question and look at her at a different light. Thing is I’m the type of person that goes if it doesn’t involve me I don’t care but I should in some aspects.

[Asker]

For the dick part “he’s a 6 cos he’s 4 everyone”

[Danny_dan92]

“He’s a 6 cause he’s for everyone?” That makes no sense

[Asker]

Internet talk

[Danny_dan92]

I don’t understand

[Asker]

Basically it’s like a play about rating people out of a 10. Goes “she’s an 8 cos sometimes she needs 2 stfu” Or “she’s a 6 cos I’m the one 4 her” so in this case “he’s a 6 cos he’s 4 everybody”

[Danny_dan92]

Ahh I see. Adds humor to the scenario. Your friend us wonkie af

[Akam93]

Maybe he wants to have a serious relationship.

[MrOracle]

LOL. Not even in the ballpark. Clearly what he wants is casual sex with her while he continues to have casual sex with any other women who he finds attractive. He's GOING to do the latter, the only question here is if he'll also do the former.

[Asker]

I do get the feeling yes but not within this year or maybe not even the next. There’s still a lot to learn from this whole experience.

[tfan1]

Everyone deserves a second chance

[Asker]

We are on friendly terms right now after the sh*Tagore and being on negative ones for a month or so. But I believe there’s much much much more time needed for me to overlook it and for him to understand people and relationships.

[Asker]

Sh*tstorm*

[joeldalton]

friends with benefits means you're just a cum receptacle. There's no expectation of monogamy.

[Anonymous]

*lose

[Asker]

Sorry, wasn’t that serious.