Sexual Relationships 
Sexual Health 
Okay so this isn't easy for me to talk about but it's always on my mind more than usual this time of year. The nightmares come with a vengeance and I pull away from my friends and loved ones. I guess I should begin the story at the beginning.. Instead of burying it like I've done, I think I should be open with it instead.
When I was in middle school I had the unfortunate chance of being chosen by an older student who had a predacious nature. Why was I chosen? I think because I was a loner and I didn't have any friends. I was vulnerable and weak and predators prey on the weak. It started with the harrassment and the bullying but it progressed to something much more horrifying. Stuff that haunts my dreams to this day. Fuck it's so hard to find the words to talk about this subject.. It's like my fingers don't want to type the keys.. To type it out makes it real and in writing instead of just being memories.. Anyway, like I said it started with the bullying but it progressed to the touching. I'm not talking about high five type of touching or anything remotely of the sort.. I'm talking about the feeling me up type of touching. Groping of my thighs and hips and private parts and I was so young and innocent that I didn't quite know what it meant. I just knew that I didn't like it. The touching progressed as the months went by. I was too afraid to tell anyone and some sick and lonely Stockholm syndrome part of me actually got used to the schedule. People who haven't been victims of any kind of assault or molestation don't understand why someone would keep going back to it. They don't understand because they haven't been there. They didn't have those conflicted feelings of someone who is showing you attention for the first time even if it's bad. You almost become accustomed to it. In fact towards the end I would even go to him when beckoned. Mostly fear and resignation at this point.. I even defended him in my mind.
This asshole's name was Lee and he forever changed my life.. I never knew the definition of shame before this event. I never knew what it was like to be afraid and to hate myself completely. I never knew what it was like to be afraid to go to the bathroom or anywhere alone. I was too young to learn what it was like to have regrets and hate going to school everyday. I was too young to know what it was like to feel disgusting and dirty. Sometimes I wouldn't shower for a week in the hopes that he would leave me alone. It didn't work.. There were times when he cornered me or when he called me to him that he would stab me in the thigh with a sharp pencil if I didn't do what he wanted. Nothing really serious but enough to draw blood. I wanted to die every single fucking day I went to school. There were times I came close and I'm so thankful to this day that I didn't go through with any of my dark plans. Honestly, there were a few times I was so fed up and full of rage that I wanted to kill him. I'm glad I didn't go through with those schemes as well.. No matter how sadistic he was, I still don't think he deserves to die. It all finally stopped with him when I had my growth spurt. I guess he stopped being interested in me at that point. A really sick and fucked up part of me 'missed' him. Maybe the coward didn't want to victimize someone who was bigger than him.
I found out several years later that he was in trouble for molesting an underage girl. I felt guilty as hell. If I had gone forward with my situation I could've prevented future ones. If I had just had the courage to notify an adult then maybe I could've stopped a young girl from being scarred mentally. This wracked (racked? save me grammar police) me with more guilt more than I can really convey into words. It still tortures me to this day. I guess I'm writing this take for the people who may be in a similar situation. This haunts me more than going through the experience. I wanted to go to this person and apologize. I wanted to collapse on the ground and tell her how sorry I was that this happened to her.
You may be wondering about the lasting effects this has had on me as a person. Well, I'll tell you and maybe others can empathize with a few of these:
- I can't be alone with a male stranger because I feel sick to my stomach
- My life hasn't felt real since this happened. I feel like I'm trapped in a dream and my real life has been over for a while. It's like a thick fog or a haze and I can't live life clearly if that makes sense.
- I can't orgasm while having sex. I can while I masturbate but as soon as another body is involved I just get terrified and slightly repulsed. I've never enjoyed a sexual experience in my life. I'm not asexual I definitely FEEL sexually towards relationship partners I just don't know how to express it yet.
- I feel guilty getting close to women or entering into relationships. Why should they have to put up with damaged goods? As the relationships progress I feel more and more guilty. I should at least get sorted out before putting myself out there.
- I have this neurotic perfectionism. I try to live my life and strive to be what I would've been if this didn't happen to me. Maybe if I change enough the "me" that was molested (I fucking hate that word) would no longer exist and I'd be a new person. I'll be reborn again as the man I was meant to be.
- I feel like I'm a shell of a personality now. Like I'm that child still stuck in an adult body. It's almost like my mental age hasn't changed much. I'm still as fearful as a child.
- I really don't know who I am as a person. I act like how I feel people around me want me to act. I don't know how to be myself.
- I have violent nightmares almost every night. I keep my door locked because if someone touches me while sleeping I get incredibly defensive. My friends once jumped on me while sleeping and I fought them both off without even remembering it. My vision was red and I saw fear in people's eyes for the first time in my life. I hated it. I can't sleep without a light on.
- Every relationship I've sought out besides my last one has been abusive. I tend to go for really overbearing and controlling women who treat me like shit.
- I stay away from confrontation. I know that if I did get serious in a fight I may not be able to stop. This idea horrifies me. Violence is something I stay away from at all costs.
- Part of me wants to move to another country and start over where nobody knew the kid me that went through that. When I leave home I never get homesick. I feel relieved instead.
Beneath all this shit I still believe I'm worthwhile and deserving of love. I still think I'm awesome and an incredible guy. I don't have many insecurities.. Part of me is kind of thankful it happened to me instead of someone else. I know that once I graduate college and can afford to get therapy that I'll be able to move past this. The scars won't completely go away but at least I'll be able to solve some of those issues in the bullets. I'm so thankful to the people who have loved me along the way. I'm not an easy person to love. Clearly I have flaws. Despite what happened to me I think I'm an incredible person. I'm kind and warm hearted and I couldn't hurt a fly. I guess I'm glad at who I've grown into even though I've had a terrible experience. It has helped shape who I am. It will NOT define me going into the future. I will find happiness. I will be capable of being loved. I will be capable of loving others in a healthy way.
You need to always keep in mind that you're worthwhile. I know it isn't easy when you have some of these thoughts warring around in your head. Whether you've been molested, sexually assauted, or raped you need to keep in mind that you are a person with dignity and worth. DON'T LET ANYONE ELSE TAKE YOUR DIGNITY. You weren't asking for it. You aren't disgusting and you aren't weak. You are beautiful just as you are. Seek out therapy. Don't bottle up these events and let them torture you for years. I know it's hard as hell to be vulnerable with this but it will be healthy for you in the long run. Live incandescently and don't be afraid to LOVE. Love is one of the most beautiful things in the world and I don't know where I'd be today without it.
As the tears are flowing towards the end of this I really want to say that I love you all too. If anyone needs help don't be afraid to talk to me. I'll always listen and I'll NEVER judge. This website has always been helpful for me to vent about some issues about my life. I've never allowed myself to be this vulnerable before on here but it already feels good. You're all amazing (well most of you anyway :D )
What Girls & Guys Said
26 8My heart hurts for you after reading this. It also hits home for me. HARD. I won't go into details, but I can relate to this and to you and to some of those bullets. I thought you were cool before, but I admire you should much for sharing your story bud. Sharing it helps. I'd like to extend my inbox to you as well. And I know you aren't religious, but I'll keep you in my prayers as well.
Thank you very much. Honestly I don't know if I'm really ready to talk about it outside of the stuff I mentioned here. It's not that I don't trust you it's just that I'm still pretty fragile over it. If I talk about it in depth too much I may feel like I'll fall apart. I really appreciate it. I want more people to see this because if more people get help or notify someone then they won't feel as guilty as I did. I want people to free themselves.
I understand. This was a big step for you and you're probably feeling overwhelmed. It's all good. Thanks again for sharing.
You're very welcome :)
Thanks for mustering up the courage to share so that you could help others. It sucks that you went through this. Keep fighting.
Thanks bro :)
Wow I am very sorry you had to go through that, I was bullied a lot myself and it is really hard, but it never progressed to what you had to go through or was going in that direction. I suffered a different type of trauma but just as horrifying, severe bullying before I was able to put a stop to it, left me open to pretty bad depression which ravaged me for quite a while and got so bad, I finally attempted to commit suicide, but something stopped me, wasn't my time yet.
These kinds of things, bullying, the touching thing you went through, abuse, depression these things are horrible and traumatic. I whole heartily and completely agree with this take, something I don't do often.
Thanks bro. I really do appreciate it.
Your welcome thanks for sharing yours as well.
Yes yes yes you are so strong men need to hear this. I was molested by a woman makes it hard in locker rooms. you are strong
Thank you. You are strong too :)
Ugh my heart broke. I'm really so sorry that happened to you. You're a wonderful, strong person for writing this. I don't know what else to say (without saying things that I'm gonna regret lol) besides that I feel your pain.
Best of luck with everything <3
Thank you! It needs to get out there :) <3
i'm sorry that happened to you. it's hard to talk about such things but it's good that we do so that others can know they aren't alone. a lot of people never tell anyone.
Thanks Coco. Yes I've been silent for far too long and let it hang over me forever. I know that I'll get better now :)
I think the best part of you opening up about this is the fact that it brings attention to a topic that i feel doesn't get the attention it deserves. You know I think you're a fantastic person so i'm not going to go on about that. I applaud you for having the courage to come out with this story to try and help others learn from your experience.
And as I said before anyone who blames the victim is an ignorant fucking moron.
Thanks bro. You're a good friend.
Pfft im the best friend people could ask for.
I agree!
Really sorry about your disheartened experiences, trust me you just nailed the problem by recognising it as a challenge and also sharing it with friends, don't look down on yourself due to previous experiences, it only happened due to your naive nature then, feel lively dear cos you're back and better. Cheer up!!!
Thanks bro.
no your not alone it'd happened to a lot of good people. . . . . but not me I'm to dark minded
Glad you got it off your chest.
Yeah it's a relief and I'm getting help which is good.
Awesome
Thanks 👍🏼
I'm so so so terribly sorry that this happened to you and I hope you get the help you need and can move forward
Thanks. I will!
I've read your story and i feel so sorry for what you have gone through, it won't get any better unless you see someone or get some help, yes its unfair what happened to you and that dip shit is still alive and walking around mayby doing it to someone else, but as a kid we can't talk we are so scared of judgement of non believers etc, I was 13 years old when my stepdad decided that he wanted to touch me, and i told my mom and she told me i was a liar and never believe me even after i told my stepfather be a man and tell my mom the truth and he never did but he hit me with his fist abuse started etc,( now his wife is pregnant with a daughter and all i can think is will he do the same to her) when i was 16 my friend uncle broke my virgin while i was not aware of it , i woke up and there was blood in my panty and he told me well i broke another virgin, i kept quiet cause who would believe me and i thought for myself its my punishment, then i sold Koeksisters as we were very poor and i met an old man ( i hated selling it cause my friends were making jokes) and this old man told me, i will buy your koeksisters if you come to my place everyday , ( i thought finally i am rid of this?) believe me it was the worst mistake everyday he will touch me, feel me wanting sex, my mom found out and got angry when i wanted to stay away from him cause it means no money, it went on for 6 years, i messed my life up , i cried every night and prayed and said God please take me away i can't do this, i don't want to live anymore, it was bad, and it got worst i stayed away as i started to work so i could provide for my brothers and mom, and this man didn't give up , he followed me, he wanted to kill me, i was devastated, and after a while something happened and i went to live with my grandma and met my Husband, i was honest from the beginning and told him if you don't accept me walk out, iv been married for 7 years and still dream about it, all i can say it start believing in yourself its not your fault , you kept quiet cause you were scared , you were a young child and believe me you are beautiful and you deserve someone who will love you and accept you dont settle for any less!!! you are awesome, If you ever want to talk, Talk to me!
Thanks for sharing your story. None of us are alone no matter how much we may feel like that at times. Thanks for your bravery.