My wife had a hysterectomy, should I divorce her?

[Anonymous]

Our sex life was great. We had sex multiple times a week. We always had simutaneous orgasms, and she screamed and convulsed like crazy every time she came. I was living in paradise.

But after her cervix and uterus were removed it's very hard for her to orgasm, and when she does she says it doesn't feel anywhere as intense as before. It takes vibrators to her clitoris for a long tiresome time, sometimes an hour, to get her off, and when it happens it's just meh. Plus her vagina was very shortened and doesn't elongate anymore, it's just a closed pouch now, so I can't even go halfway in, and she doesn't feel anything when I do.

I don't hate her, but we're more like roommates now. I can count on both hands the number of times she's wanted sex since her hysterectomy. I don't see her as my sexual partner. In fact this may sound mean but I don't see her as a woman anymore.

I can't live the rest of my like this. It horrifies me I'll be a miserable guy jerking off to porn forever and never having the real thing again.

It's been 6 months since her surgery, and I still haven't dared tell her a thing. I don't want a confrontation, I don't like seeing her get angry and emotional at me, but at the same time I just want to run away and find a real woman. I don't know what to do.

[pnl86]

I don't think there's any point in talking to her about it. I'm sure she didn't just wake up one day and decide to have a hysterectomy. I'm sure she has some serious medical issue, and this was something she needed to do. So, she didn't do this to your relationship "by choice" or "voluntarily." That's number one.

Secondly, I don't think you're in a "worse" position than most married men. Other married men are not having sex, and there's nothing medically wrong with their wife. That's fucking depressing. At least in your situation, you don't look at your partner and get reminded every day that you're married to someone who doesn't give a flying fuck about you. That's not the case in your marriage. She may very well care about you, but it's obviously not easy for her.

Third, at the same time, you're a young guy. You have at least another 20 years left in your sex life. Is that a sacrifice she really wants you to make? Is that a part of your life that you really need to give up? Is this a source of conflict that your relationship really needs to have? So, what are your options?

1. You voluntarily chemically castrate yourself. Consequences, maybe your relationship falls apart anyway or even faster, and you fall into a deep depression, and you end up killing yourself.

2. You divorce or separate from her, and you find someone else.

3. You continue to be together, but you have to remain monogamous to someone isn't satisfying you sexually... for the next 20+ years of your life... building up hate and resentment for this person every single day.

4. You continue to be together, but potentially discuss an "open" relationship whereby everyone consents to the other being able to have sex with other people. You may find out that this is not such a bad deal. Just put a wedding ring on, and start telling women, "Okay, but I don't want my wife to find out." Then, you'll eventually run into that crazy cunt who tries to blackmail you or stick it to your wife and "tell her," to which your wife will laugh and say, "Umm, okay? Who says I didn't know, and what makes you think I care? Now, go run along and be a good sex toy, or go back crying to mommy and daddy. I have a dinner with my husband in 15 minutes."

Think and discuss "action items," don't throw yourself a pity party or point fingers and blame onto her. Be productive and constructive, search for solutions to the problem.

[Mysterio421]

The second paragraph is all you need to read. Why would you get married after knowing that? Lol

[Anonymous]

Dude... Mistress & hookers.
If you love her for everything else and don't want to burden her with sexual needs... simply get those needs fixed elsewhere and then it doesn't become a tax on your relationship.

[Anonymous]

You need to talk with her because a hysterectomy means her hormones are decreasing. Without her uterus and ft she's been put into early menopause. Hormone therapy or estrogen creams help this and get her drive back to where it was before surgery. On top of this she has to heal internally before those sensations fully return. That may take up to a year providing she otherwise healthy.
My concern here is that you seem ready to throw in the towel after only a few months. Whatever is lacking in your relationship goes beyond sex. All things considered I highly doubt someone who was otherwise fulfilled would be so distraught after a few months enough to even consider a divorce.

[Asker]

1. She still has her ovaries, aren't those responsible for hormones? 2. Aren't hormone replacements inefficient as far as I know?

[Opinion Owner]

Yes. If she still has her ovaries then I'm assuming its just a partial hysterectomy removing only the uterus and cervix. Although the hormones are not necessarily changed by this type of surgery it might depend she needs to have a conversation with her doctor regarding this as what she's experiencing might be psychological verus physical. Also hormone replacement therapy is effective for some women. I have know a number of older women (55+) who swear by its effects in keeping up their libido.

[Asker]

I forgot to mention one thing, doctor claimed the surgery severs her pelvic nerves. I don't understand what effect that has on her sexual responsiveness.

[randomhobo]

She had to have a major operation and you think that makes her not even a women and you are the one complaining about lack of sex? Imagine what she's going through. She's had her entire life changed and the one person she has to confide in thinks that she secretly is no longer a real women and wants to run.

I'd say just leave her. Let her go so she can find someone genuine to take care of her and love her. She deserves way better than you.

[Asker]

Well funny thing is she doesn't even look like she cares that there's no sex anymore. It doesn't seem important to her. Well it is to me.

[randomhobo]

probably because sex wasn't everything in her life. Maybe she's lost her drive because of the operation and feels insecure. I know a few who after having operations just lost the drive completely for a while.

[laurapalmer]

I don't think your immediate plan of action should be to divorce her. Communicate what you're feeling to her. She probably doesn't feel too great about the situation either. Also, she could look into hormone replacement and that may fix her low sex drive.

[Asker]

Her ovaries are still there. She doesn't need hormone replacement.

[laurapalmer]

Even so, communicate your feelings to her.

[ShaunaM95]

The fact that you say you need to go find "a real women" is really pathetic. She's just had major surgery and all you can think about it sex? Maybe try talking to her about how you feel and ye can work something out.

[Asker]

Work what out? How many times I can have sex in a year?

[ShaunaM95]

Is that seriously all you think about? Maybe you should do her a favour and leave her. She's much better off without you.

[JohnDoe3000]

@ShaunaM95 That's a bit harsh. He obviously still cares for her but he's not even 30 yet and would already be sentenced to a lifetime of bad ex once a month (the fact that she "just" had surgery doesn't matter: the problems he describes aren't going to go away). His concerns are legitimate: you would have doubts to if your boyfriend became paralyzed from the waist down or something like that.

[fueledbythc]

It's cute how you feel relationships and marriage is mostly commitment and trust and sex is just a side thing that isn't important at all. It's equally as important and if the sex isn't pleasurable, how can the couple connect. Sex is used to build and strengthen an emotional bond.

[ShaunaM95]

@JohnDoe3000 I most certainly would not have doubts if that happened my boyfriend. I'm not with him for sex, I'm with him because I love him. And when you make your marriage vows, you stay with them through sickness and health. You don't just leave them because they can't have sex with you anymore.

[JohnDoe3000]

@ShaunaM95 You're 21, you really don't know what it would be like to be in a sexless relationship for a long time, knowing that it will never get better.

[ShaunaM95]

@JohnDoe3000 that's not a valid reason to leave someone? They won't have sex with me so I'll go find someone who will? Honestly, that's a 16 year old boys mentality. If you love someone unconditionally, then you shouldn't be considering leaving them.

[Asker]

@fueledbythc damn right. I'm sick of these people trying to make me feel guilty.

[milopiano]

You would feel horrible if your wife left you because you simply couldn't do it anymore. I think you should stay with her, but maybe do it in the butt? Some women like that.

[Asker]

I don't think she'll like that, and neither would I. It's nasty.

[milopiano]

True, just throwing it out there.

[madhatters4]

you need to talk to her. explain that you understand she has lost some of the urge but that you are feeling very sexually frustrated

[Mysterio421]

I think he already did that. If he didn't then he should. If things don't get better, which they usually don't, then he needs to get out of there and stop walking over eggshells.

[SarahsSummer]

You don't want a confrontation but you'd be happy to just drop divorce papers on her lap. I sincerely hope you aren't as shallow and spineless as you seem. Therapy would be the best course of action if you

[Asker]

Therapy can grow back a cervix and uterus?

[SarahsSummer]

forget my suggestion, you may be a hopeless troll

[MrOwens]

Slow down bro lets not jump off the bridge. Surgery takes a toll on people. Her Womanhood just took a hit. Stop being so selfish. You can go and buy yourself a fleshlight to get off in the meanwhile. You have to have this confrontation. Do not go and attack it. You need to come at this lightly and genuine. Sex is important in any relationship and you need to express this conversation with your wife. She may be depressed. You have not dared said anything? Where is your communication with your best friend? Stop being passive aggressive about it. If she is your best friend and wife sometimes those conversation hurt and things are not sunshine and rainbows. She is a real woman. You are wanting to run away because you can not step up and be honest. Stop being a beta! I recommend you seek a marriage counselor.

Makes me mad when you won't communicate and you want to skip out and claim to be seeking a "Real woman". When you are acting like a bitch. You better tighten up son! You actually look very weak saying this. Be a man and talk to your wife.

[somebodysaycheese]

lol. imagine if you got prostate cancer or cancer in your balls. No offense you dont know love and dont love her but what she could give you and that was food on the table and sex.
Your a pretty shallow human. i can't even give you a proper answer cause you disgust me.

[Asker]

And what's love without sex?

[Asker]

Let me put it this way, if your husband refused to find work and sat at home all day playing video games, then if you want to divorce him does that also mean you dont know love and dont love him but what he could give you and that was money?

[somebodysaycheese]

lol. i realize your a guy and you can equivalat sex to being a " man" or showing love to a love one. However, if you think without sex their is no love you shouldn't be married or in a relationship. You aren't relationship material and you should be alone.

[Asker]

I realize women don't think sex is important and don't need it like men do, but you have to see it from a man's perspective. Like I said, if your husband doesn't get a job and plays video games all day then if you divorce him for it does that mean you aren't relationship material and you should be alone?

[somebodysaycheese]

let me put it this way. Most men today dont have good jobs while women do. Most men dont even do the whole " hunter and gatherer" thing. they can't fix shit, aren't bread winners... etc But see if i looked at men the way you do id go gay. Men as a whole do things that women find attractive to begin with. You need to be alone. Some people aren't cut out for emotions other than lust and your one of them. You may it out like your the victim and that makes you just eeew.

[somebodysaycheese]

And the wizes man said " women enjoy sex more than men do, they have a whole industry of sex toys catered to them. So when a man says a woman doesn't enjoy sex its because as a man he isn't meeting her needs emotionally, spiritually and physically". Realize she just had important parts removed do you realize how that makes a woman feel? Imagine if you had your balls or dick removed. It would hurt you. She feels " less than a woman" right now. And she can feel the self pitty vibes from you,. Eeew i hope she leaves your ass.

[Asker]

Get off your high horse. I doubt you'd still "love" him if he didn't get a job and played video games all day.

[somebodysaycheese]

lol. you sound shallow. Im not on my high horse. What happened is you where babied and think your a victim. Grow up and let those balls drop.

[rubyrose83]

"In sickness & in health. Till death do us part" ... ring any bells?

[somebodysaycheese]

that religious most people dont say that.

[rubyrose83]

I'm not religious at all lol. That's just traditional wedding vows

[somebodysaycheese]

yea cause its religious well christian. so most weddings no longer incorporate that. Iwatch a lot of wedding shows

[rubyrose83]

Either way when you take vows, it's supposed to be forever. If a person doesn't go into with that mindset, they shouldn't get married

[somebodysaycheese]

yea. youd think so.

[milopiano]

Sombody's a liberal... Traditional wedding vows 'Til death due us part, because it is Holy matrimony, with God in the center of it all. :) Now that marriage vows very rarely center themselves on God, divorce is up by 57% since the 90's. Because love and booze isn't always enough. It takes God.

[HaveNoName]

I am not Christian but does it really need to be explicitly said verbally? What else is the idea of marriage?

[Mysterio421]

Just reading this makes me cring as the situation is a turnoff. I certainly wouldn't tolerate it. Some people would say, but marriage is all about love and Bla Bla Bla. I didn't sign up to live with a roommate. I signed up to live with a wife. Something for a side thought, she could possible be cheating too. In a lot of cases where the wife refuses to put out, they wander and bang someone else. Get out now and save the misery and trouble. You already feel miserable, so why continue? I hope you have good lawyers and you made a prenuptial agreement prior to getting married.

[BertMacklinFBI]

talk to her about how you feel. she gots to know.

[Kachatterjee]

Had your penis been operated and taken out, would she have been divorced you? Just wondering...

[Asker]

Well I'm a man we need sex more than women do.

[Kachatterjee]

That doesnot answer my question actually

[Asker]

Yes it does. Women want a provider. Men want sex. If I lost my job and couldn't get another one then she'd divorce.

[Mysterio421]

That's all you need to know. Time for you to live better.

[InquisitiveMan]

People loose attraction for many reasons just move on. If you can't see yourself dealing with this problem for the next 50-70 years move on. Life is short.

[Intraluminal]

Go to couples therapy. It may be that having the surgery has made her feel like she's less of a woman, and that's affected her response. You need to try, otherwise you're just being a dick. Sorry.

[redxiii74]

In sickness and in health it's part of your vows Jerk. That's serious shit she did to save her life, and your concerned about wacking off.. tell her and see where it goes but don't be a douche right away

[Blitzkrieger]

What happened to 'in sickness and in health' Learn to work around it id say. there's more to sex than penetration.

[Kevin11231999]

No that's terrible

[Xayemillz]

No u shouldn't. If u love her it should be about more than just sex.

[Mysterio421]

I agree a little bit, but it's no different than saying, if you love him it should be more than just money.

[Anonymous]

Face it: you wanted to leave her and this is your excuse.

[Anonymous]

Do it.

[Anonymous]

Divorce her.