Old People Sex Jokes

Old People Sex Jokes

I haven't done a sex joke take for awhile, and seeing I just turned 50, thought I'd do an old people sex joke take... Old people still think about sex and after all isn't it "the thought that counts"不... Hope you enjoy

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.

Old People Sex Jokes

Lost man

A man is lost. He decides to stop and ask for directions at a farm. Before he knocks on the door, he saw in the window an old, naked couple. The wife was pulling her breasts, and the husband was jerking off. Horrified, the man runs across the street to another house.

The homeowner tells the man, "They're deaf. She's saying 'Milk the cows,' and he's saying 'Go fuck yourself."

Face Lift

An elderly lady visits her plastic surgeon complaining that every time she gets a face lift its only a matter of months before she needs another one. The surgeon being a sympathetic man offers her an experimental treatment. The treatment he tells her , involves screwing a small knob into the back of her head and every time she feels her face sag she can just tighten it up. The elderly lady leaves looking like a twenty year old and is delighted. However the story does not end there.

About 6 months later the lady returns to the surgeon complaining of bags beneath her eyes. "Those aren't bags" he tells her. "Those are your breasts from where you have tightened up the screw too much". The elderly lady replies, "that would explain my new goatee then."

Old People Sex Jokes

Senior special

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account".

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

Senior marriage

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

sextional

An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked.

"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."

"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.

"Sectional schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"

Sex organs

A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30. He is persuaded to have a medical exam first. "Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if I'm sexually fit", he says to the doctor. "O.K.", says the medic, "let me see your sex organs."

So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle finger

Old People Sex Jokes

couple's exam

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examinations on the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man:

"You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

"In fact, I do", said the man.

"After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting", replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you."
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said:

"Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor then asked: "your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that old coot!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"

Old People Sex Jokes

Old Virgin

An old lady felt something small moving around her vagina and went to the doctor for a diagnosis. "Crabs," he told her.

"That's impossible! I am 83 years old and a virgin. No man has ever even touched me, I can't have crabs! I am getting another opinion."

And she did. Unfortunately, the second doctor had the same diagnosis.

"That's impossible! I am 83 years old and a virgin. No man has ever even touched me, I can't have crabs! I am getting another opinion."

This time she went to a specialist. His verdict was different.

"I have some good news and some bad news, which do you want first?" he asked her.

"The good news is you don't have crabs."

"Well, that's great! What's the bad news?" she asked

"The bad news is: your cherry has rotted, and you have fruit flies."

Old People Sex Jokes

Electrifying sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, Do you remember the first time we had sex together over 50 years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.

Yes, she replies. I remember it well.

OK, he says, How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old times sake?
Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy idea. I love it!

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation. Having a chuckle to himself, he thinks: Ive got to see these two old-timers in action. Ill just keep an eye on them so theres no trouble."

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence; the old man moves in.

Suddenly, they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didnt know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still unable to tear himself away, finally approaches them.

Excuse me, he says. That was something else. You mustve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply.

50 years ago, that wasnt an electric fence!

Old People Sex Jokes

I hope you enjoyed! And as a special treat... My new "just turned 50" profile pic:

Thanks for reading,

"Brainsbeforebeauty"

5 19

Most Helpful Guys

  • Those were great, bbb! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 There was not one that I had ever heard before.

    Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
    "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
    "Social Security sex?"
    "Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.

    ***************************

    This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up.
    Everything checked out fine.
    The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, Doctor, I havent had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husbands sex drive.
    The doctor smiled and said, Have you tried to give him Viagra?
    The lady frowned. Doctor, I cant even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache, she claimed.
    Well, the doctor continued, Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He wont notice a thing.
    The old lady was delighted.
    She left the doctors office quickly.

    Weeks later the old lady returned.
    She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong.
    She shook her head.
    How did it go? the doctor asked.
    Terrible, doctor, terrible.
    Did it not work?
    Yes, the old lady said, It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that Id had in 25 years.
    Then what is the problem, maam?
    Well, she said. I cant ever show my face in McDonalds again.

    ***************************

    It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running." The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?" He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running." The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "You must be quite a man." He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running." The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil, this one's black!".

    **************************

    "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.
    "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
    "Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
    "Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"
    "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
    "No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
    "Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.
    "No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
    With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.
    So what's so tough about being 80?"
    "I don't wake up until 7:00!"

    ******************************

    A 50-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday.

    The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

    "It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

    The clerk clarified that $250.00 is the standard rate. At that point, the older lady insisted on talking with the manager.

    The manager showed up and explained that the hotel "has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."

    "But I didn't use them," the old woman said.

    "Well, they are here, and you could have," he replied.

    The manager proceeded with that she could likewise have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous.

    "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," he said.

    "But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

    The manager replied, "Well, we have them, and you could have."

    Regardless of what facility he recommended, the older lady would just answer, "But I didn't use it!"

    The manager then countered with his standard reaction. After several minutes of contending with him, she chose to pay.

    The manager was shocked when she gave the check to him. "But madam, this check is for only $50.00," he said.

    "That is right. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," the old lady replied.

    "But I didn't!" the manager shouted.

    "Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

    Happy Birthday, bbb! LOL

    • Loved the last one lolol Saw the other ones before but not the last one🤣

    • And thanks🤗

    • Thanks for the MHO, beebs. :-)

  • HAHAHA, one of you're most funny mytakes sponge, anyways you always talk about senior people while you're just a naughty middle aged lady, you're naughtier than a 20 year old girl, i bet that you're daughters aren't naughty like you and actually no one is like the sponge who never ages and still can have sex like a machine 🤣🤣

    In my opinion she gets all her energy from the spongy forehead 😬

    Tonight's special guest stand up comedian in our casino is SPOOOONGE the spongy forehead 😂😂

    • 🤣 thanks.. Except the forehead part.. Don't be a hater cuz you have a "little head"🤣

    • Well my head is little cause i'm a human and NOT A MYTHICAL sponge alien headed lady but i bet that the spongy forehead is very smart 😁

    • You know which "head" I meant, right🤔I mean, this is the sexuality topic🤣🤣

    • Show All

Most Helpful Girls

  • Too funny! We need to get you churning again @brainsbeforebeauty

    • 🤣🤣

    • @brainsbeforebeauty Im sure it would hit the spot. 🤭

    • LMAO... If I can just remember where that spot is.. You know it's old people misplace things all the time🤣🤣

    • Show All
  • Lmao I haven't laughed like this in quite awhile 🤣

    • 😊 glad you enjoyed..

Scroll Down to Read Other Opinions

What's Your Opinion? Sign Up Now!

What Girls & Guys Said

4 26
  • Q. Did you hear about the 85 year old man who was arrested for a sexual offense?

    A. He was charged with Assault With A Dead Weapon.

    • Hahahaha 🤣 good one lol

  • What a wonderful discussion!

  • 😂 Shake fifty up!!! 👍🏻👍🏻

    • I tried, had 5 days off all together, but old lady gotta go back to work tomorrow lol

    • Gah. You made me cringe at the old in your comment. That doesnt fit you 𝐚𝐭 𝐚𝐥𝐥!! Go back with style. 💅🏼

    • Aww thanks😁

  • Happy birthday, old girl! 🥳🤗😬

    • It was a couple days ago but thanks🤗

  • Oh i needed this 😂😂. You are one of the kind BBB. I am a chef and i approve this 👌

    • 🤣🤣🤣 as a chef I'm sure you detest rotten "cherries"🤭🤣🤣

  • OMG so funny! Happy Birthday 🎉🎉

    • Well, it was a couple days ago, so now fifty and change lolol but, thanks🤗

    • Your welcome 😁

  • These are very funny. Thanks, and Happy 50th.

    • Thanks🤗🤗I celebrated for five days lol well, was off for 5 days anyways lol

  • Old people joke.

    The doctor told my grandma she has Acute Angina.
    She asked him: "But how do you tell a cute one from an ugly one?"
    Tada Chsssh.

    • 🤣🤣🤣

  • Thanks for that!

    Welcome to your 50's, it's all uphill from now on.

    • An old person trying to climb a hill 😱🤯🤣

    • Exactly, downhill is easy!

    • Stop, drop and roll🤣

  • Really funny. The Senior Special remeinded me of a true story. my cousin's husband worked at a used car place. A guy used to come in with his girlfriend and tell him he wanted to buy her a car and would have her pick out what she wanted. So show eould pick a convertible or something and he would tell my cousin's husband to get it ready for her and she would pick it up on Monday. . He gave him a rubber check for it and when Monday came the girlfriend would come in looking all disheveled from the weekend activities and my cousin's husband would tell her that she could not get the car.

  • This old lady goes into a sex shop and after a moment of looking around, the cashier asks if he can help her. She says, "I wanna buy a dildo." He points over to where they are and she wanders over to look at them. After a few minutes, she goes to to the counter and says, "I'll have the big red one!" He says, "That's a fire extinguisher, the dildos are over there!"

    • 🤣🤣

  • My wife just did the time to milk the cows joke right before I opened this question.

    What kink'or'dink or what

    • Lolol

    • Are you sure she's not your wife?

    • @goaded me? I'm not his wife lolol

    • Show All
  • Einstein? The sad thing? I like them - - - - - !

  • These were hilarious.

    thanks.

    the fence was the best

    • Thanks🤣 and yeah I'm sure that was some electrifying sex..(add that to bucket list for old people) 🤣

  • Old People Sex Jokes

    Bravo!!!

    • Lol thanks

  • I needed this laugh today ! Happy bday !!!

    • Glad you got a laugh! And, thanks🤗

  • Happy belated 50th Birthday. Thanks for the laugh. I really needed that.

    • Thanks! And glad you got a laugh😊

  • 🤣🤣👍

    • Thanks😁 glad you enjoyed🤗

    • Yep funny

  • Essentially you or your mmomma Lmao

    • You knew those cows aren't going to milk themselves Lol

    • 🤣🤣🤣

  • Age should never affect you Humor or sex.

    • Right!!😁

    • by the way i like the jokes.

    • Thanks! Found them online

  • Show More (10)