Porn addiction?

[Waldorf7]

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. Last year, I found porn websites in his search history and bookmarks. I am uncomfortable with all porn, for personal reasons, and he knew that. I felt betrayed, hurt, and cheated on, like he wanted the women in the videos more than he wanted me. I explained all of this to him, and he promised he wouldn't do it again.

Since then, I’ve found porn on his computer/usbs on several more occasions. Each time, he claimed he didn’t know how it got there or that he would stop. It got bad because he was spending $200 monthly on ONLYFANS we got into huge arguments, ending when he finally admitted what I had suspected to be true. We tried going to therapy a couple times but it didn’t help much.

Anyways lately for the past 2 months he never seems to initiate sex, and lately he doesn't seem to notice if I'm naked or trying to turn him on. We went from having sex every other day (at the beginning when we met) to once a week (mid way in our relationship) to now every 2 weeks, he won’t touch me — even though I tried initiating. And if he finally does agree to have sex, he can't get up all the way or goes soft pretty quick and doesn’t finish. He says it isn't me, but I'm sure it is. I’m scared that as time goes by it’ll be 3 weeks then eventually monthly with no sex. I know that he still is on onlyfans and he has admitted to be masturbating at work. He knows that he has some type of addiction because he’s told me.

But he claims he isn't watching porn anymore, but I think he’s just finally deleting his history and getting better at hiding it, but I know the truth. I feel disgusting, and like I am constantly a second choice, cheated on with girls who aren't even real. I don't know what to do anymore. Should I be upset that my boyfriend watches porn? I’m up to the point where I’m fantasizing about leaving him for a different man that fulfills me. Do you have any advice?”

[Anonymous]

Here's why people masturbate even though you're in a relationship:

No anxiety when one masturbates (other than the risk of getting caught if that is an issue in the relationship). Often anxiety is a big part of what comes from partner sex: anxiety about how I smell, how my body will perform, will my body perform, does my partner like me, my body, how my body reacts etc. For many people, unfortunately, relationship sex is filled with so much anxiety that it is not enjoyable
A person is tired and masturbation doesn't require the same level of effort, both mentally and physically to perform
It is not painful. For both men and women, relationship sex can be physically painful and the inability to resolve the pain or effectively discuss it with their partner leads to the desiring relationship sex less or avoiding it
A person is bored
A person is bored with their relationship and wants to play out a fantasy in their head
A person is stressed
Because they like it
They don't have to worry about getting rejected by their partner
Their partner is sick, has their period or just doesn't want it when the partner does
They want to do it quick or don't have the time required for relationship sex
Their partner is traveling or away from their partner
It's convenient, like in the shower in the morning or evening
It is their best attempt to remain faithful to the marriage because they are really unhappy and don't have anyway to resolve marital conflict outside the bedroom
They do not desire the kind of sex they will have with their partner
It's fun
They want to indulge in a fantasy that they are: too afraid, embarrassed or fear rejection from their partner to share with them
They just want an orgasm and they know how best to get there in the fastest way possible
To learn more about their own body and what they like and how to reach orgasm

[Waldorf7]

Yes I understand why people masturbate, I fall in the category where I need to take care of my business because of rejection. And well in our relationship nothing that you listed seems to be a reason he should masturbates, maybe the only possible one is where you said “he’s bored” but sometimes I really think he needs to watch porn in order to function right. That how bad it is.

[Opinion Owner]

Sorry about your situation but for me sex is not at the top of my list. I don't really need it to feel wanted and desired. I'm not going to leave a relationship if my partner prefers to masturbate because there are other ways to show love and affection.

[slatyb]

"Anyways lately for the past 2 months he never seems to initiate sex, and lately he doesn't seem to notice if I'm naked or trying to turn him on. We went from having sex every other day (at the beginning when we met) to once a week (mid way in our relationship) to now every 2 weeks, he won’t touch me — even though I tried initiating"

It's over. He's lost interest in you for whatever reason. End this and find a man who wants you.

[Waldorf7]

I don’t understand though, I guess he might be done with me in a sexual way. But out of sex he’s different like he genuinely loves me and we have a pretty good relationship (if the porn thing didn’t exist of course).

[sunflower00]

Porn addiction is a huge issue and could maybe be why he can’t get it up, this is common because they spend a while looking for the ‘perfect’ video and become desensitised and have to keep watching more and more specific things that when it comes to real sex they have issues. I feel for you. My partner used to be like this but not as bad and it really hurt me and made me feel the way you feel now, fortunately he stopped most things and the rest well I try my best not to think about and avoid seeing anything so I don’t upset myself. This sounds quite bad though and if he’s being this way tbh I would probably leave him. I feel bad for him if he has an addiction but if he does he should get help not just continue with it and let it affect his relationship.

[Waldorf7]

How long did you have to deal with this with your SO? Like I’ve said I’ve been dealing with it since last July 2021 when I found out. And I really love him and he helps me out financially (I’m currently not working rn) so it’s kind of hard to just ends things since he pays rent etc. It makes me feel angry/sad because honestly I don’t even think he’s trying to stop. He tries but it only lasts a couple days. We haven’t fought about this in over a month but like I said I know he’s still doing it (I have access to his bank account) but I’m scared to confront him about it because I know how the fight goes and hell wanna pack his things and go. (I think that’s how he mentally threatens me). So I’m just kind of stuck, and it’s very uncomfortable even bringing the topic up, a relationship shouldn’t have to be like this.

[sunflower00]

You’re right a relationship shouldn’t have to be like that. Tbh it lasted months and months for me, and we kept arguing about things and it would be a huge blow up and at the end he would say he understands but then nothing would change and he’d end up being more sneaky about things and so on. I think he finally noticed when I became severely insecure and we were fighting all the time and I had to say some pretty blunt and maybe hurtful but truthful things.

[Waldorf7]

Yes that’s exactly what I’ve been going through for past year and a couple months. What were some of the blunt/hurtful things you had to say to him in order for him realize he was fucking up? If you want DM me. Cause nothing I ever tell him seems to help, like hell try and change but it’s temporary then he just goes right back into it. Honestly I’m just tired. I’m tired of pretending I don’t notice, keep up the act. I feel like I’ve done everything I could from my side to help him, but if he doesn’t want to help himself well there’s nothing else I can do. We’re having this talk when he gets home today so I’m kind of scared of what will be the outcome. :(

[Dalisay409]

Sounds like you dodged a bullet. Time to move on to someone who can't keep his hands off you.

[nomandik]

I don't know what to say about that one get yourself some Viagra and give it to him he'll be up that thing will be pointing straight up four hours straight

[Waldorf7]

LOL if only it were that easy. This is real life not a movie :( What happens when the viagra effect wears off he’ll go back to himself again.

[nomandik]

Not if he gets a implant if he gets the inflatable penis implanted or a permanent erection stint surgically implanted you could straddle his package for days like I a dildo if you wanted to

[TheFlak38]

I can imagine what a turn off you are

[Waldorf7]

I think I’m a solid 8. You’re probably one of those porn simps That’s why you got offended.

[TheFlak38]

Solid 8 with a pig's nose. The joke of the day. You're barely a 4 and you probably don't even suck dick. You even admit that you're the problem.

[Stevefiveo]

You should fulfill that fantasy and have another guy fulfill your needs. If he can't make you happy then you deserve someone that can. Most guys watch porn but paying $200 a month to only fans and ignoring your girlfriend is an addiction. I think you did the best you can with therapy and now it is time to move on. Good luck.

[In_Trance]

Toxic femininity.
You need help

[Dantezam]

You definitely must let him know how you feel and if you're no longer comfortable with the situation move forward. Watching porn occasionally is common but everything should have limits, specially when you're involved in a relationship

[Waldorf7]

The thing is, I don’t know how to approach him about it or word it out. I’m scared we’ll get into a bad fight about this. And for the sake of our relationship I’m trying to fight the least possible.

[Anonymous]

I say he is done with you and your insecurities. There is nothing wrong with him watching porn. You have issues if you think him watching porn is him cheating on you. You likely pushed him away and you will continue to push guys away and you will never have a healthy or long lasting relationship of this is how a guy watching porn makes you feel.

[Waldorf7]

He openly admitted to me he’s been this way for WAY many years before he even met me. I think you didn’t read my description right.

[Anonymous]

It is an illness with a lot of men.