Sex Does Not Always Equal Bonding

I am both poly, and non-monogamous. Those terms garner a lot of controversy and hate.

"Poly" does not mean that I date and screw multiple people. It means that I am capable of being in a state of romantic love, with more than one person at a time.

I have been in a very happy committed relationship for nearly 2 years, with 1 man. He's a member of this site, and some of the contents of the article are still very painful for him, so for this reason I have chosen to go anon.

Being "non-monogamous" doesn't mean that I don't commit, or form attachments. It means that I don't bond or attach, through sex, and I enjoy casual sex outside of my relationship.

But wait! I'm a woman, how is this possible!! That's what I want to talk about today. I want to share with you, some of my personal experiences, and what they have taught me.

I have managed to have successful sex-only relationships that did not leading to bonding or attachment.

About a year ago, I first discovered that I was not a typical female when it came to sex and love. I knew that I was in love with my boyfriend, and that he was what I wanted, who I wanted. But I found myself having strong desires for someone else. And this greatly bothered me. I didn't like it, because it wasn't right! I talked to my boyfriend about what I was thinking and feeling. He said the most unexpected thing ever: Would I like to try an open relationship, with the understanding that he probably wasn't going to look for anyone else? He didn't want to limit or control me, he wanted to trust me!

2 months later, I was unofficially dating them both. At first I was very happy, on cloud 9, but very soon, it went very very wrong, and almost cost me my relationship with my boyfriend. I'll come back to this in a moment.**

Several months later, when the emotional wounds had began to heal, I started hooking up with an old friend from my past. I rarely ever see him, and really it's just a booty call. We don't "date", we don't even hug goodbye at the end of the night. I almost never think about him. Sometimes, I get a text, and either I'm free or I'm not. It's worked out great so far.

Then guy 3. He is a current friend that we were hanging out with very regularly. After the sex started, I was often alone with him. Going out to eat, taking long walks, and having deep conversations. And talking on the phone, or texting all the time without any sort of break in between. I didn't even realize that I was getting attached, until it was brilliantly obvious that he was getting attached. That also ended badly, and we took a 2 month break from the friendship entirely. It's as if nothing even happened now. There is no tension now that we're not having sex.

This seriously got me thinking. It's not the act that causes the bond, it's everything leading up to, or everything that follows. Kissing, hugging, hand holding, spending lot of time close together and alone together. All of these acts/behaviors encourage, and increase the chances of, bonding.

Now ask yourselves: How many women actually have sex with a guy, before engaging in bonding behaviors?

**That first guy I tried this with, secretly wanted to steal me from my boyfriend. He was grooming me to fall for him, making me want sex from him. And he had already long since ensured that I was good and well bonded to him, before we had sex, but I wasn't about to choose him over my boyfriend. At the time, my boyfriend was going through some very tough family issues, and he was completely unavailable to me. While I knew that it was only temporary, this "friend" used this to his advantage: always right there for me, and slowly interjecting himself into the boyfriend territories. He took me on dates, bought me gifts, did favors for me. I thought he was just being a good friend, considering this behavior didn't start until after my BF's family issues.

And now there is a guy 4. I see him once a week, no more. Sometimes, we have sex, sometimes, we don't. We do go out into public together, go for long walks and have deep conversations, but we've been doing that for nearly 10 years, off and on. He's just a casual friend. He is also poly, and in an open relationship. I have never met his full time girlfriend, but she does know of me. The nights I see him truly feel like an escape from the world and life, and when I leave, it's like I was never there. We don't hug or kiss, we stand at least 3 feet apart when we go walking. I don't really ever look at him directly, He's just some guy I know. I rarely ever think about him more than just a passing thought during the rest of the week.

I found myself getting attached to 1 man before sleeping with him, after all manner of bonding behaviors had occurred. I found myself getting attached to 1 man after having sex, and after bonding behavior began.

I have successfully had purely sexual relationships with 2 men, without getting attached, when bonding behaviors did not occur.

Sex Does Not Always Equal Bonding

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