Should I tell my boyfriend I cheated on him, even though when he did I had to find out for myself?

I've been with this guy almost three years. He's cheated on me three times, sleeping with one girl; and dating another. The one he dated he would occasionally reach out to her without me knowing which I considered a third time.
Last night, we got into a fight. See, whenever I'm not in the mood sexually he'll pressure me into putting on a show for him over Skype... And then he'll fall asleep and leave me by myself to feel used. But then last night, when I was finally slightly in the mood I asked him if he could just say some lewd things over the phone to help me get off... But because he wasn't feeling good he just hung up and wanted me to use pornography.
So for a minute I just cried and felt hurt. I struggle with self-harm but I managed to resist it even though I'd felt so empty. But then once I got through that by myself, I kept calling him back until he answered. I was pissed. I love him but in that moment I really hated him. I kept asking why he didn't help me even though he always pressures and practically emotionally forces me to do things for him when I keep telling him no. He said that this was the first time he'd even ever not helped me (which isn't true at all, he's lazy) and basically that I was invalid in my feelings. Then he hung up.
I then received a text from a friend whose like a brother to me... we were texting for about an hour until he finally said he'd send nudes if I would after. I said sure... Not because I like him but because I was still so infuriated with my boyfriend. So we exchanged and it felt weird. I was pretty grossed out to see his pictures because like I said he's practically a brother. But then after he went to sleep I used my imagination to get off to thinking about him sleeping with me.
I know a lot of you will judge me but I don't know... guess I'm half ranting and half wondering if my boyfriend deserves the truth. I don't want him to use it against me in the future when its not even going to happen again and it didn't mean anything.
0 2

Most Helpful Guys

  • Exchanging nudes isn't really even cheating in my opinion, but where you and your boyfriend draw your own lines is up to the two of you. If you think it would hurt him and you did it behind his back, knowing it was outside the boundaries of your relationship, I suppose that's cheating.

    As far as how to handle it now, that's a tough question. I almost always advise pure honesty, as I believe that is one of the most important factors in cultivating a healthy relationship. If it is indeed a big enough infraction that he'd be really hurt to find the pics you sent/received, hiding it from him isn't necessarily ideal. On the other hand, it sounds like the two of you fight and argue about a lot of things, so I can't really say how he'd be likely to react if you tell him now.

    But either way, this relationship didn't sound healthy to me. Neither of you seems to trust the other very much, and he bullies you into "performing" for him whether you want to or not, leaving you to feel neglected when he's not in the mood for intimacy with you. He's even actively sought that from others, which doesn't exactly help build trust and healthy communication.

    I recommend being honest about your chat with your friend, but you are also going to need to establish better communication and boundaries in general. If you think there's a chance that finding out what you were compelled to do with your friend and how it made you feel will make him realize you're hurting and that something needs to change, by all means, lead with that. But the conversation is going to have to be bigger than that if it's going to help steer this turbulent relationship in a better direction. You need to feel safe expressing your feelings, and you need to demonstrate the kind of honesty you hope to get from him in return. You need to figure out how to stand up for yourself, set boundaries, and stick to them so he doesn't continue to bully you, and require that he respect those boundaries. If he can't do all that for you, I'm not sure this is a relationship I would continue to try to salvage. Any relationship you're in should make you feel supported and not used, supported and not invalidated, and should ideally inspire you to be better and more honest, not sneaky and guilty. Don't let yourself feel trapped in an abusive situation. Healthier relationships are totally possible. When you love and care for yourself, it's much easy to expect the same from a partner. Good luck!

  • My question is did u dream about sex with that guy. Better yet did u really have sex with him. If u actually dreamed it. Then I wouldn't say a word. If u did have sex with that guy. I still wouldn't tell him. Reason being he sounds like an asshole. By telling him he might over react. Cause him 2 do the things u have never seen him do. Meaning some men don't take screwing around. He may get violent. I promise u when some men get jealous. It's brings out the worst. Cause some men can't handle a woman betraying. Always remember I am man I know how they think. Some of them think it's ok for them 2 screen around. But as for thier woman doing it. They will say no way. Also 2 wrongs don't justify a right 2 do something 2 get even. Best just keep it 2 ur self. Then start 2 see how things go from here. If they don't change , it's time for u 2 get ready 2 end it with him. The sooner the better.

Most Helpful Girls

  • He doesn’t sound like he’d even care if you did. Probably would rather you moved on.

  • Move on. Find a Real in-person relationship You’re wasting your time.

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What Girls & Guys Said

1 15
  • No.
    Just break up because that's going to happen eventually with you two. Always does.

  • Lol you both deserve each other.

    y'all need to grow up before either of you are ready for a real relationship

  • Get rid.

  • Such foolish behavior. You, that is. For putting up with this bullshit.
    And no, you don't kiss and tell. EVER. Nothing good will every come of that.

  • 1. Your first mistake was staying with a cheater. You should leave. Staying with a cheater just wastes your time when you could be looking for an actual good person.

    2. Don't become like him. Don't be a cheater because then when you want an actual good person for an SO, you won't be good enough to deserve them an dthey won't accept you.

    My advice is don't be with someone like that and don't become like that yourself.

  • Break up.

  • How about you just break up with the boyfriend... which is what you should have done after cheating #1.

  • Honesty is the best policy.

  • Hey break up retard!

  • Sexting may not be cheating. It's kind of a grey area. Also I rarely think of my girlfriend when masturbating, so there's nothing wrong with that.

  • Tell him is the right thing to do. You be the bigger person.

  • If I were treated like that I’d leave him

  • You can't cheat if you aren't married. It is called fornication.

  • Tell him.. and why!.

  • Did u friend have a bigger cock and better body? Sounds fun to me...

  • How did you cheat?