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If someone did a lot of bad in the past, is it ever too late to turn around and be a good person or the past will prevent them from ever doing so? I hide the things I have done in the past, but they haunt me. I will quickly go over what I did and summarize it by numbering them in order from most troubling to least. I would like to say that if you are easily triggered or disturbed then do not continue reading because it gets a little sickening.
Neglecting/Killing My First Dog
When I was 11 years old, I convinced my parents to buy me a dog. He was a Siberian Husky and I had adopted him with the intentions of sleeping with him and for him to live in the house with my family. My parents kicked him to the backyard after a few months because there was too much dog hair all over the house. I was not aware of the amount of shedding these dogs do but he was not an indoor friendly pet. He was very smart and a great dog, so we kept him anyway.
He stayed in the backyard for years without walks or even being petted or bathed. On rare occasions, he would get them but for the most part, not really. I only ever fed him, and I would skip days as well forgetting about him.
Fast forward to 10 years later to where I became an adult and moved to a new house. Well, it was a one-bedroom ghetto house. I brought him with me, and he stayed in the house for a while with me chilling in the new house. I let him outside and left to work then came home to him on the floor in the backyard bleeding to death from a vicious dog attack. A Pitbull had climbed the backyard fencing and attacked him. I took him to the vet where he later died. Words cannot explain how disturbed and guilty I was from this. I was a terrible dog owner and feel responsible for his death.
How I got Revenge on My Ex for Cheating and Emotionally Abusing Me
Long story made short. I dated a girl then she cheated on me, so we broke up. She came back to me and promised it would never happen again. Well, she cheated on me again. She emotionally abused me, and I am a mentally weak person because of childhood trauma. Anyway, this is about what I did not wrong and not her so here we go. To summarize, she cheated on me multiple times and got off to my pain. She enjoyed hurting me.
The Revenge
The first thing I did
I went on BBC discord servers and started to catfish as her. I would expose her nudes while talking to black guys on the server pretending to be a white woman obsessed with BBC. I had her profile picture on the profile and everything plus her old nudes she sent me. It was honestly very bad of me to do but I was angry. This is equally as disturbing and tormenting as what happened to my dog. I was well aware of what I was doing was wrong. All I saw in my eyes was revenge. What I ended up doing was deleting all her nudes she ever sent me so I could never have this much power over her again.
The Second thing I Did
The last thing I did was basically become a Pornstar to embarrass her but ended up embarrassing myself instead. Within our social group, there was a girl who had an Onlyfans account and would post herself with other guys sometimes. Well, I came out a few times on her account with my face and everything. There was a video of me getting a blowjob on bleachers of a football stadium to me doing her inside her restroom sink with her body on the counter and no condom (this video got posted to online sites).
What ended up happening was one of our videos went a little viral and got posted online. Now, that video of my face is available on the internet forever for anyone to see whether it be my parents, brothers or other family members. The girl who owned the Onlyfans account had issues with guys posting her videos and pictures online in public, so they basically posted me with her as well with my face and all. My ex-girlfriend panicked over this and started calling and texting me a whole bunch of times to tell me off. I ignored her. I did not even block her because it felt good ignoring and embarrassing her. She was being told by everyone how I was now doing videos online on Onlyfans with another girl. I would listen to her voicemails of her yelling into her phone saying she was coming over my house. I ended up never seeing her again. I never replied to her.
That is all but I Cannot Move on
These past mistakes truthfully torment and haunt me. I try to be the best person I could possibly be to make up for the evil doings of my past, but they haunt me. I am still so young with major mistakes. How could I ever be in a relationship with somebody and hide this part of myself from her? That is something else I wonder. Should I tell her what I have done and if so then when? Will this freak out every single girl I ever date to the point of me having to hide this past of myself forever like a skeleton in a closet only for my future wife to somehow come across that video online I made while I was angry trying to get revenge on an ex-girlfriend that emotionally abused me with words and by cheating?
Nobody is perfect but I was aware of what I was doing. I forgot who said this, but it went something like this. "A truly evil doing is being aware of the doing being wrong and still doing it." I knew I was neglecting my dog for all those years. I knew the revenge I was seeking was wrong, but I still did it anyways and now I have to live with it.
What Girls & Guys Said
0 2It sounds like you may want to visit a psychologist and work thorough these things?
I don't follow any particular religion, but there is a part of Islam I like. Islam doesn't believe that God can forgive your wrongdoings. All you can do is enough good to "outscore" the bad you've done. I see this as a good philosophy. Always do the most good you can with what you have left. You can't undo what you've done that is bad, but you can do good from here on out.