The guy/girl inverse mindset

[Anonymous]

This is going to be a short myTake, however it's something I really have noticed; this is only about attraction and dating.

So when a girl just wants casual flings or sex it seems like typically they are very picky on looks, for whatever reason they judge mostly on looks and have high standards in casual type deals as women do have a higher value in the dating scene, it's just true. However when a girl actually settles down she becomes less looks oriented and loosens those standards some on looks in return for a guy who's sweet etc.

Guys are the opposite, I'm a guy who doesn't believe in flings or friends with benefits, I only want something legit, and what I've noticed is guys who do want casual sex tend to not care how homely the girl is, I know several guys who simply give into the urge with any girl and have very low standards. Whereas guys like myself (even though you could say I only go for what's way out of my league) have very high importance on looks and high standards on them I wouldn't lower for the world, that's correct, most every guy I know who wants something legitimate my age and actually means that is far MORE selective looks wise than the casual sex guys, maybe it's just the way guys are wired who knows.

I really do believe this is why some girls wonder where decent guys are, fact of the matter is many decent guys really are more selective and not willing to date an average looking girl. I wouldn't call this shallow I'd call it human. Don't get me wrong personality matters as well but this was just an observation I've made about how the sexes seem to flip flop places in regards to importance of physical attractiveness and its requirement depending on what they want-

Guys will be with a plain girl for casual sex and only pursue very attractive girls for substantial or long term relationships.

Girls tend to be more for attractive guys during the casual sex and less selective looks wise when it comes to long term

[Bandit74]

I agree with this 100%.

When having casual sex girls often trade up on looks while men trade down. However for relationships women are more forgiving on looks while men are pickier. So often times when a girl has casual sex she'll develop feelings and then realize the guy only thought she was hit enough to fuck but not hot enough to commit to. Then the guys who she settles down with are often less attractive than the guys she hooked up with.

Men who have casual sex seem to have more of quantity over quality mentality while women are the opposite and since at any given time there's more men looking to hookup than there are women looking to hookup, that gives more bargaining power to the few women who are willing to hookup.

This dynamic is also supported by convention evolutionary psychology theories. Some people say those theories are BS though. But just from a bargaining perspective, which guy do you think a girl is going to have higher standards on looks for?

The guy who she giving free sex to by sleeping with right away without any expectation of commitment OR the guy who is willing to take her on dates, wait for sex and commit.

It's simply a pros/cons trade. If the guy isn't going to take her out, isn't going to commit, and she risking being labeled as a slut then for it to be worth it she has to be REALLY HOT.

With the other guy, since he's willing to put in the effort, take her on dates, wait for sex, and commit, she'll be willing to cut him some slack fir what he lacks in the looks/charm department. He's generally git to be financially stable tho.

Obviously from the guys perspective it's different. The hookup guy is getting easy no strings attached sex, so he'll cut her some slack if she's nit the most attractive girl. However if he has to wait for sex and actually commit then he wants someone more attractive.

I'm the same as you... I see the girls some guys hook up with and I don't think they're anything special. I couldn't see myself wanting to settle down with the girls who other guys flock to for casual sex. I found this interesting, a study found the most attractive women often have LESS casual sex.

www.hookingupsmart.com/.../

[Bandit74]

Also here's a female blogger who openly admits habingdon higher standards for casual sex...

"My one night stands were with HOT men; men that I would have considered out of my league. Yeah, I would flirt with them but always assumed it would be fruitless merriment. I figured, “What the hell, at least I’ll have some fun.” Then BAM! To my amazement, they bit the line! These men were not Johnny Depp or a Greek Adonis, but as ordinary dudes go, they were definitely something to write home about {if you could write home about a one night stand}. When it came to hooking up, my partners prerequisite were higher; at least superficially, than those I deemed necessary in a man I was dating. Seems weird to see that admission in type but quite frankly my criteria for a man I had a one night stand with were all superficially higher; looks, swag, attitude, dress, etc. When dating, the qualities in the men I sought dealt more with depth of character and intellect"

dirtyinpublic.com/.../

[myTake Owner]

I don't really buy into instinctual deals going into it just more the way we are socially, but the logic of guys like me is, 1000 no's and one yes from a very physically attractive girls is a victory, it's all we need and is more quality over quantity (not to label girls as items but just to give the idea) yes it's harder to get those girls but all we need is one, wheras others go for plain Janes etc and get tons of sex as they just want the 'itch' scratched

[Anonymous]

Guys like myself (even though you could say I only go for what's way out of my league) have very high importance on looks and high standards on them I wouldn't lower for the world... lol that is so superficial and almost immature way of thinking especially for someone who claims to want something legit and labels themselves a 'decent' guy. Looks matter so little in a serious long term relationship and that sentence screams you want the hottest girl that admit you probably can't even get, unrealistic and idealistic. You claim personality matters but it sounds like you would waiver on personality but not on looks.

Also casual wise I do not go for the really good looking guy actually, looks matter more when I think about who I want to be with long term cause I want his face to be someone I like to look at often. In addition when men look for a long term partner I do not find they place as much emphasis on looks, but for someone who is suited to them respects, accepts, desires and supports them

[myTake Owner]

So I'm a child for saying I need to find my girl attraxtive (which by the way I can get those girls and have turned down hot girls who just wanted sex) but the you say you need a guy to look good for a long term? Double standard? Looks matter a lot that's human, but it's wrobg for a guy to need to be with a girl he finds hot yet you say it's okay for a girl to need that whereas guys are more leniet on unattractive features.

[myTake Owner]

Listen I'm done with a person like you, you literally disowned your own logic in a single post and were hypocritical, unrealistic for a guy to only go for an attractive girl? No, it's not, idealistic? Yes, and that's something I'll take to my God damn grave, this world needs more people like that, Looks matter we are human and you yourself said you need a guy's looks more for long term... but me needing that in a girl is immature? See your contradictions? What gives you a right to need that and not be 'immature' or 'unrealistic'? (by the way needing looks isn't eother of those, I just point out your hypocrisy by stating that) You're the one who does need to grow up some, somehow you seem to have been offended by a post meant merely to give a view on how mind sets work. If you have an issue with my or another's need for a 'hot' girl over a plain Jane, while its okay for girls to need more physical attraction maybe you actually NEED some ideals

[Opinion Owner]

I do not think anything is wrong with wanting someone you find physically attractive dont get me wrong, it's understandable and natural. But what I was saying you stressed on looks to the extent that you said, "Guys like myself (even though you could say I only go for what's way out of my league) have very high importance on looks and high standards on them I wouldn't lower for the world," which I found sounded like stressing way too much on looks for someone who wants something legit and that can lead to grave disappointment. Looks are important to me long term wise but I would waiver on it for other more important qualities that are way more difficult to find. I do get that the take was just an observation on what you have seen often. That being said im sorry I relayed my message in such a condescending manner it was not my intention.

[myTake Owner]

At least your not quick to argue for the sake of it and I respect that on the Internet. I think the main difference between men and women in regards to looks in general is that men are more honest with others and ourselves about their importance, I've seen so many girls say looks don't matter and then say they don't mesh with a guy who's personality is perfect for them, it's clear the attraction physically wasn't there which in itself isn't bad, it's when someone tries to take moral high ground by saying looks don't matter and then still heavily lean on them, that's when guys get pissed. I see why I put a lot of emphasis on them still do, however I truly believe that we as humans need that physical attraction that is instantaneous. My father and mother were together nearly 30 years until death did them part, and the old man always told me that despite 'everyone is beautiful' crap a man needs to find his partner attractive physically, and that's non negotiable

[myTake Owner]

-he brought up so many relationships that were in shambles with people who 'gave the person a shot' and how they just didn't get along or acted like old fielding couples, whereas dad even at 50 still did sweet things for mom all the time and he told me the fundamental difference-he didn't give in, he didn't accept what he was handed because it was easy, he went for girls he found very physically attractive and wanted something more than sex until it worked out, did it make it harder? Yes, but far more rewarding in the end, we simply won't give undivided affection to a non attractive looking girl, we have those feelings of attraction or lust for a reason. I know our opinions may not be popular, but in a very non bullshit military type family we are very strict and honest about major life points, and obviously romance is one of them. My family has done amazing things in service-i myself skydive even although not in the military-I just say this to show we mean to a letter everything we

[myTake Owner]

say, which is where the idealism comes in. Once again unpopular in this 'everyone is special or beautiful' modern era-where at some point people decided being human and having human urges and desires was evil-but it's who we, and I, am. I wouldn't give my love to a girl who wasn't attractive physically. Sounds harsh but it's true, in the same hand literally yesterday I told a beauty queen type girl no when she wanted a threesome, I'm not even joking, and I turned her down as that's not anything real either. It sucks as finding an attractive looking girl+one who wants something real+her finding me physically attractive (I shave my head from a condition but rock it, so girls are either turned off completely or very attracted seems like no in between) is rough odds, but I'll take those chances and it'll be a hell of a lot more rewarding in the end.

[myTake Owner]

I know I wrote a novel but I wanted to show my ideals in greater depths regarding this whole deal, from my social circles what I said rings true for both sexes, at least in my environment that's how it usually is, many of the other guys who are 'chooses' like myself seem to have a similar mindset, since we only need one why settle? Anyway I wrote too much but just wanted to show I'm not some boy wanting to show off a Barbie, there is a reason behind it, and it's something I won't settle on, still I consider needing looks in a partner as part of something real.

[Opinion Owner]

Sorry I took so long to reply. I read your comments pretty much immediately but I did not have the time to respond. I definitely understand what you mean that there are certain things that you are stand by when thinking of choosing a partner. To me having the hottest guy is not something I need but having someone with a caring personality is important to me. I sure hope when you say that you looks are important to you, that you mean it is important you are attracted to her and not that she is always the hottest girl in the room. You are right I had you pegged as someone who felt entitled and wanted to have a Barbie to show off, which is obviously not what being in a good relationship entails. I mostly critiqued you because you referred to yourself as decent and wanting something legit and if that is true being realistic must follow. From all that you say I wish you the best that you find someone you find beautiful inside and out and not necessarily beautiful to society's standards

[Opinion Owner]

It is definitely true that men choose for a partner someone they are attracted to and most women choose the same as well depending on their life experiences. Also as you said finding an attractive looking girl+one who wants something real+her finding me physically attractive is quite difficult for both men and women. But like I said I had issues with the placing high importance on looks as it does sound superficial and that will always be in contradiction if you are looking for something real. All the same I wish you good luck! I could say from personal experience and being a little older than you, life experiences can change your opinion on certain things and human beings will adapt to them and also I myself have realised recently the importance of attraction as I tried to make it work with someone I was not attracted to and it is not working out.

[Opinion Owner]

But as you say you have a condition with your hair which makes you have to shave it. Did you ever post on this site a how do i look picture? Because someone did sayng the same thing and I assume that is not a condition that happens so often, if is you that is so coincidental lol :P

[myTake Owner]

She doesn't have to be the hottest no, but typical given my standards she will be close to and definitely the top quarter I'd say. There are girls who are gorgeous who are bitches and I wouldn't date them and there's girls who are very nice and I know want something real who've liked me but I found them average looking at best and I can't accept that, either way this is something that I won't give on, I've lived a lot of life for someone my age, and in my family we have a few cadences that we hold onto even if it kills us-I don't kid here, I said I would jump from a plane I did, i watched the old man die etc, to me this is a non negotiable factor That could very well have been me in the other post, some say I rock no hair but as of yet no attractive girl can get past it,

[Anonymous]

It's well documented that men have higher standards for looks in a relationship than for a hookup. They also have some extra standards in a relationship (i. e. sweetness)

Women have higher standards for looks in a hookup, higher standards in other things in a relationship. Not sweetness, sorry. Try things like stability, reliability, ability to provide and protect, etc.

Your comments about what women see when in the 'hookup' market are perhaps true, but the flip side of course is all the guys complaining about girls and their unrealistic standards (which are also a function of what they can get in the hookup market).

[myTake Owner]

When I said sweetness I implied all what you mentioned, I was more focused on where the sexes place more value on looks.

[Anonymous]

I disagree with this. I think it can be both. I think some girls who are into casual flings are stuck up and some aren't. Just depends. Same with guys. I don't think being monogamous or not has much to do with it.

You even believe in leagues. Something I don't believe in.

[myTake Owner]

I said some may say, I personally don't buy into them either just giving the point of I go for what I find attractive regardless of what I may look like

[myTake Owner]

There are of course exception to this I'm just giving what I've seen the cast majority of times in my many social circles, I don't mean to brag but I have many groups of friends-casual and otherwise, and literally hundreds of people have lined up with this observation, are there exceptions? Of course! However in generality guys and girls act this way at least in my state and those surrounding where've I've stayed